At SXSW, Kiyomi and Ali are having a spat over the phone before Hunter Valentine’s first show. If this were such an important make-it-or-break-it show, the last thing I’d do is call my needy not-a-girlfriend beforehand. I’d turn it off, give it to my tour manager, and instruct her not to give it back to me until after the show. But Kiyomi would rather live on the edge and wade into more drama, because rockers are edgy like that.
“Are you upset?” asks Kiyomi.
“No,” deadpans Ali. “I feel nothing.”
Ali is dead inside. Maybe the zombie moths that ate Kiyomi’s shirt also ate Ali’s brain. Perhaps this is why she continues to hang onto the fantasy that Kiyomi will one day fulfill her emotional needs.
“You said you’d call me so many hours ago,” complains Ali, and then Kiyomi loses it, telling her that she just arrived in Austin and that she got into a fight with Somer, who is “pretty much out of the band.”
“What do you f–kin’ want from me?” she asks. But then it is time for the show, and Kiyomi hangs up on her.
It turns out a snafu in scheduling caused the band to take the stage an hour late for the show, so they end up only playing four songs. The built up aggression over the course of the day actually helps the band play an energetic show, and both Somer and Kiyomi are happy with the results. Who knew.
Back at Here Lounge in WeHo Amanda and Lauren go to the bar to get a drink, when they realize that Romi and Rose are standing next to them. Lamanda and RoRo pretend not to see one another. The mutual silent treatment continues to drag on interminably, but instead of talking it out like reasonable people, the parties decide to act like normal lesbians and talk behind each other’s backs to a third party, except the third party isn’t a BFF or confidante, it’s the entire country. This is the upside of being on a reality show – you get to air out your grievances about others to millions of people. Score!
“I know who you are,” says Romi about Lamanda. “If I wanted to meet you I’d walk over and introduce myself. I don’t want to meet you.”
“How can you be content in being a lesbian and then, ‘Oh I want to put a dick in my mouth’?” asks Amanda about Romi.
“It’s because she’s not really gay,” says Lauren.
“Ok,” says Amanda, looking confused. Someone should define the word “bisexual” to her. More on Romi’s sexuality later.
Whitney, Sara, Lauren, Amanda and Ruby decide that the venue has turned into the cafeteria in Mean Girls and decide to hit the dance floor.
And then, as if things couldn’t get more ridiculous and uncomfortable, Kelsey walks into the room and breezes by Romi, not saying a word.
“Oh, it never ends!” exclaims Romi.
Romi has reached her boiling point and chases after Kelsey.
“Why’d you come here and walk away like that?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” responds the ever-wooden and dispassionate Kelsey.
“Why? Why’d you come?” asks Romi, as if a gay chick has a plethora of viable choices to go frequent on any given night. (Hint: we don’t.)
“Because I never go out,” deadpans Kelsey.
“Do you know what I’m dealing with tonight? Do you know what I’m f–king dealing with tonight? Do you know?” screams Romi.
“No…” says Kelsey.
“I can’t f–king come out because of all your f–king girls. I’ve got Lauren and her girlfriend. I’ve got Sara being mean. I’ve got Whitney being mean. I’ve got everyone being mean to me, and I‘m trying to have a good time and hold myself together, and you have to show up and do this,” wails Romi.
“What do you want me to do, disappear?” asks Kelsey, visibly confused.
And then the inexplicable happens. Instead of walking away and doing a wooden marionette version of Kiyomi’s diva fly swat move, Kelsey embraces Romi, and then utters the fateful three words. No, not “Are you crazy?” or “Step off, aight?” or, appropriately, “Is this real?”
“I love you.”
COME AGAIN? Tell us this is just another one of the Magical Elves’ magic tricks. Are we all suffering from a collective delusion? Did we accidentally butt-tap our remote controls and end up on a David Lynch marathon on Cinemax? Has the world gone mad?
Back at Cori and Kacy’s house, the two ponder how to break the sad news to their social circle. Rather than having to relive the tragedy over and over again, they decide to tell Whitney and Alyssa in person and ask the two to disseminate the news.
Then Kiyomi and Laura discuss Somer’s future in the band, and as this conversation is neither original or interesting, I’m just going to point out that the clambake on the table looks delicious.
Finally, Romi sits Jay down and tells him she isn’t getting what she wants out of the relationship and that she wishes he would put in more effort. Jay laughs everything off and adds, “You’re still calling yourself a lesbian all the time. It makes it a little weird to be a relationship with you. You’re not a lesbian. When you date a boy, you become ‘not a lesbian.’ You become a heterosexual or a bisexual.”
Well he has a point.
And then, Whitney and Sara sit down to break the happy news of their engagement to Whitney’s mother over Skype. “I think my mother is going to be very excited for us,” says Whitney.
Instead, this is Momma Mixter’s response.
Just in case her mother misunderstood her, Whitney exclaims again, “I’m engaged!!!” See, if you say your message louder, it increases your chances of getting your point across.
Momma Mixter starts stuttering, and it looks like her internal monologue starts to come out of her mouth: “We’ll see if it…” but before she says the word “lasts,” she decides to hide her skepticism by saying, “It’s strange!” Nice save, Momma Mixter. Not really, but A for effort.