“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 303 – “Love Lost”

As Hunter Valentine pulls up to their hotel in Austin for SXSW, Somer and Kiyomi get into a fight over whether to haul the amps up to the practice room.  The minor disagreement blows up into a full on catfight within seconds.

“I don’t know why you have to be so difficult!” says Kiyomi.

“I don’t know why you have to be such a bitch all the time,” says Somer.

“I’M NOT A BITCH! BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HEAR YOUR F–KIN’ TONE AND I RESPOND WITH THE SAME TONE AND THEN YOU’RE CONSTANTLY RUDE…” yells Kiyomi.

“You always talk like this to everyone!” says Somer.

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do!”

“No I don’t!”

“Why do you think everyone calls you the dictator?”

This excruciating back and forth goes on for another full minute. And then…

Kiyomi tells Somer that she has a “self entitled little pissy shit attitude” and storms off, waving her right hand around like the love child of Miss America and a ghetto drag queen.

As she continues swatting around imaginary flies with her hand, she tells the rest of the band, “I’m done! I’m f–kin’ done with her!”

Then she starts mouthing off to Laura about Somer.

In an act of mercy, the editors cut away to Los Angeles, where Lauren and Amanda are dismantling the soggy, dogpoop smeared mattress that Lauren may or may not have purposely left outside so that Amanda would have to sleep in the same bed with her. They decide to take the fabric off, take it apart and construct a “pod,” which people can use to hook up outside. The “pod”: The Real L Word’s version of Jersey Shore’s “smush room.”

“Is Britenelle going to be taking a turn in the pod?” asks Lauren.

“No,” responds Amanda. “She’s not going to be coming around anymore.”

Amanda tells us that Lauren definitely scared Britenelle off. “Like even the energy when they were in the same room together was like, ‘Woof!’” explains Amanda.

I guess “woof” means exactly the opposite in the lesbian world as it means in the gay world.

Lauren tells Amanda that is makes no sense for Amanda to get into a romantic situation with someone else when both she and Amanda are single at the same time. This just code for, “I’m horny. You’re here. Let’s shag already.” While Amanda says she finds it annoying that Lauren scared Britenelle off, there isn’t any point in upsetting Lauren, so she decides not the say anything. I guess Lauren wears the pants in this situation.

And then it’s back to our favorite family on television: The Shady Bunch Hunter Valentine!

Kiyomi calls her manager in an attempt to deescalate the tension, and Vero tries to calm Somer down.

“This cannot continue, because it’s just getting to the point where everyone is just getting fed up with one another,” Vero tells Somer.

Kiyomi walks up to Somer and Vero, and Vero tries to broker peace talks.

Kiyomi interrupts her. “I don’t really care about this love fest right now. All I care about is the shows,” says Kiyomi. “I don’t care if you call me the dictator. I have a job to do.”

Vero tells her the dictator thing was a joke, but then Kiyomi lays into Somer again, and Vero is left looking like she stepped into a group of brawling kindergarteners, which isn‘t very far from the truth.

Back to Los Angeles. Romi is in her car on the phone with Jay, and Romi tells him she wants to see him more.

“Get a dog,” he responds.

Meanwhile, Amanda and Lauren roll into Here Lounge, where they proceed to have a few drinks and make out. Then, even as  her brain is being drowned by a deluge of alcohol, a small synapse starts gasping and begins to fire in Amanda‘s head, and she manages to say something that makes sense.

“NO!” says Amanda. “It is a horrible idea to hook up with your roommate!”

At this point, Amanda is saved by the bell as Whitney, Sara, and Ruby magically appear out of nowhere and sit down next to them.

Whitney comments on Amanda and Lauren’s “friends with benefits” situation. “If you’re hooking up, someone’s going to catch feelings. If I had to put money on it, I’d say Lauren has an eye for Amanda.”

Amanda asks whether Whitney and Sara would have a threesome, and Whitney responds that she wouldn’t. Amanda says that the reason why she and Lauren have threesomes is because “they are best friends.” And it looks like her common sense synapse is asleep again.

Whitney tells the camera, “Like I think, [Sara and I] slightly just got propositioned to a threesome.”

“Yeah, that kind of happened,” agrees Sara.

“Well, I’d want to bone us,” notes Whitney.

Then, as if on cue, guess who else rolls into Here Lounge? Romi and Rose.

“Oh wait, there’s Romi,” says Lauren, who couldn’t be less excited. As you recall from Episode 1, Lauren and Kelsey hooked up for a brief period after Romi and Kelsey broke up, so Romi and Lauren – according to an unspoken lesbian code – have “beef.”

“Romi walked in and I felt the energy kind of shifted. There was a weird tension in the air,” says Whitney.

Whitney then tells Lauren the millions of reasons why Romi would “hate on her,” such as being pretty, being the new girl in LA, being pretty and a new girl in LA, and so on and so forth.

Rose looks over at Whitney and Lauren’s table and concludes that shit is being talked.

Oh it’s on. Gurl, it is on.

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