The day after the Phase 1 show in DC, the members of Hunter Valentine have the Worst Hangover Ever® and can barely get their equipment into the car, so they just toss everything in with brute force.
Kiyomi pulls a piece of paper from her pocket. She reads it out loud: “Rachel, the girl with the short blonde hair. Phone number [redacted]. In DC when you are! *Smiley face*”
Kiyomi crumples it up and tosses it on the ground. Laura screams “regional rep!” as everyone cackles, except Vero. “That’s not nice, Kiyomi,” says Vero. “I didn’t throw it!” counters Kiyomi. And the band heads to its next destination: Charlotte, NC.
Meanwhile, in LA, Amanda has gone to Home Depot and brought back a bunch of home improvement items, including plywood, paint – and a gaggle of lesbians to help her build her dream home within a home. Lauren says while that she expected Amanda to pull the dyke diva move and make the place more to her liking, she’s just happy to have Amanda around. Awww!
But then Amanda tells the camera that she is getting into something with someone else – Britenelle – and “[Lauren] doesn’t like it.” The next few minutes show Lauren and Britenelle sniffing at each other in disdain, and Amanda seems to enjoy it. The conversation itself makes no sense and is full of non sequiturs, probably because 90% of it was edited out to maximize the amount of bile. It’s like watching two dogs approach a fire hydrant to mark their territory.
Hunter Valentine is on the road and running late. Kiyomi has a Godzilla-sized hangover and is barely coherent. Somer notes that no one seems to care about Kiyomi’s near-catatonic state, whereas when Somer is late for practice, it is like World War 3. She says that this is a double standard. They pull up to the crappiest club ever, Milestone, an hour late. Somer characterizes the club as a “dirty house, divey place” but it is known for being a pit stop for bands that eventually make it big, like Sonic Youth and Nirvana.
Kiyomi asks the bartender for shots of Jameson as they take the stage. The set starts out ok but then Somer’s keyboard konks out. She flits around trying to fix her equipment, which annoys Kiyomi. “Give it up for the band! No f–king idea what is going on!” she yells into the crowd. Doesn’t Somer know that you don’t actually have to sing or play instruments to make it big? Milli Vanilli won a Grammy. Just smile and play air keyboard.
Romi is out bowling with Jay‘s friends. She tells us that an upside for dating a boy is that “you get to go out and meet other couples that haven’t been incestual.” Then Romi announces to the group that they are going to go home and f–k. One of Jay’s friend jokes about them making a child, and Romi says, “We‘re trying!” Jay looks like a deer caught in headlights.
“Slow down. I’m not a lesbian; I’m a boy,” says Jay to the camera.
See there are upsides and downsides to everything. Your boo may not have stuck his d–k in half of your friends, but he might have a seizure every time you drive past a U-Haul dealership or a baby carriage.
Meanwhile, Whitney and Sara are getting ready for the energy cleansing session by creating “vision boards,” which according to Google, is a way to provide clarity by gluing pictures to a poster board and affixing it to your wall so you can look at it and say, “Hey, I feel groovy.” Again, New Yorkers have no time for that crap, nor do we have the wall space. Plus, in the age of Pinterest, who the hell actually uses real scissors and glue anymore?
Then Sara brings up the topic of marriage to Whitney, thinking that Whitney is dead set against it. Whitney deflects the topic. Oh, the suspense.
Back on the road, Laura and Kiyomi are chatting about the future of the band. Kiyomi tells Laura she wants to set standards and that “f–king around is not ok” – like building an army of regional reps and showing up to your show an hour late and hung over? Riiight.
Meanwhile, Somer’s keyboard is out of commission and she needs money to fix it. Laura tells Somer that, while Hunter Valentine is like a family, the band is pretty much broke and she has to fix her equipment herself. Maybe Somer can stand on the street corner and play her keyboard and sing for donations. Oh wait. Her keyboard is broken. I guess she’s shit outta luck. A capella anyone?
Back in LA, Lauren and Amanda and Britenelle try to deal with the soggy mattress that Lauren may or may not have purposely left outside. Lauren is annoyed at Britenelle’s presence and announces that she is going to sleep alone, because obviously nothing is going her way. Out of default, Amanda and Britenelle retire to Amanda’s room. As Lauren slips into her bed, she hears the joyful sounds of coitus, which may or may not have been dubbed in, and rolls around in bed sexually frustrated, wishing Amanda’s blindingly bright hair would magically appear in her room and illuminate the area between her legs.
Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for. Whitney, Sara and all of their friends pile into a lounge at the Wilshire hotel for the “creative visualization workshop in energy clearing,” which is just a smokescreen for Whitney putting a ring on it. The ladies do breathing exercises as Whitney tries not to faint or run.
The instructor distributes envelopes, which she explains are filled with “positive affirmations,” and that each person is to read hers out loud.
It is Whitney’s turn. “I am in a confident place to make decisions about my future. I know who I am, and I know what I want,” she reads.
Then it is Sara’s turn. “Turn and face the person you hold most dear and open your heart,” she reads. She turns to face Whitney.
At this moment Whitney drops down on one knee and asks Sara to marry her.
Sara’s response: “Is this real?”
Oh yes, it is real. You’re engaged to Whitney. May the odds ever be in your favor.