Welcome to episode 2 of The Real L Word, the only – and therefore, greatest – Sapphic sociological study of our time – or as Ilene Chaiken would say, “It’s my party, and you can cry if you want to.”
Last week we were treated to homo shower sexy time in Los Angeles and homo shower sexy time in New York. We were also treated to hetero sexy time, because Romi decided to get back with her ex-boyfriend Jay. We also learned that in order to fit in in West Hollywood you must have eyebrows thicker than and have accommodated more riders than The 405.
Back in New York, all girl rock band Hunter Valentine was in the process of gearing up for tour, but keyboardist Somer decided that she would rather spend time with her new wife Donna than show up to practice. Donna Somer was seen wandering around the streets of Brooklyn in a “Love To Love You Baby” state of mind, while lead singer Kiyomi cursed up a storm in the practice room, wishing that punk would kill disco already. Kiyomi’s gal Ali also started pre-tour drama, which added to the tension.
Finally, the big news! Whitney canceled her subscription to Lesbian Netflix: LAX, which she had previously used to return one out-of-town lesbian and pick up another for her entertainment needs. Whitney has changed her panty chasing ways and decided to settle down and – gasp! (gag?) – propose to Sara. With Whitney’s insatiable desire for out-of-town tattooed brunettes finally extinguished, will LAX have to file for Chapter 11? Never fear. Amanda is about to land at LAX for Lauren’s entertainment needs, or so Lauren thinks. As long as The Real L Word continues to run on Showtime, LAX will continue to be in business.
Confused? Perturbed? Wondering how the Stonewall Rebellion led to this hot mess? Hell, even the cat in the opening sequence looks like it wants a drink.
Episode 2 opens with Whitney telling her sister Alexis about a disturbing dream she had the night before. She has moved in with and plans to propose to Sara – but that’s not her dream. That is the nightmare that everyone in her life wishes they will wake up from during this episode.
In her dream, she is attacked by a whale, and as she is pushing the dastardly sea mammal away, it deflates. Neither Whitney nor Alexis can interpret the dream, but maybe it is just a flashback to the time that Whitney picked up an obese chick in a blackout state.
Whitney then tells Alexis that she will propose to Sara at a spiritual healing party, because Sara is really into that new agey stuff. Then Whitney starts thinking about her imaginary whale again, and after consulting Google, she learns that whales represent “a relationship or business project that may be too big to handle.” Alexis tries not to snort over her sandwich.
Back in New York, Kiyomi is packing for Hunter Valentine’s tour sporting a shirt that looks like it was devoured by moths on bath salts.
Zombie moth chic: coming to a trendy boutique near you
(and H&M because you gotta keep it real)
The two passively aggressively snipe at one another before Kiyomi leaves. Kiyomi says that while leaving Ali behind is hard, their relationship is non-monogamous. “I have to play every show like it’s my last, and I can’t do that if I am having so many problems at home, or if there is someone upset at home,” says Kiyomi. But as we learned in the last episode, the songs in the new album are about her problems at home, so wouldn’t drama with Ali actually help Kiyomi as an artist? Damned if you do, and damned it you don’t.
“I can’t imagine what’s going on. I don’t want to imagine what’s going on.” says Ali. Oh you will, once you see this episode and learn that Kiyomi‘s theme song should be “Area Codes“ by Ludacris.
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Lauren is on her way to LAX to pick up her BFF with benefits Amanda.
Serving all of your entertainment needs
She pulls up at the gate, where Amanda greets her, looking like Lady Gaga’s stunt double.
The two embrace and declare, “Lamanda is here. I’m so excited!” Is Lamanda going to be a rad bromance or a bad romance? Only time will tell.
As the two catch up, Amanda laments that she left a girl at home, and that she is sad about it. Lauren responds with the most earnest look of sympathy she can muster, even though it was completely disingenuous. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think Lauren broke a C in drama class.
“Are you guys going to talk?” asks Lauren, hoping that Amanda not only left her ex but also sent her away on a shuttle to the sun.
Lauren: You are? Is she going to come to visit you?
Lauren: You sure?
Amanda: She says she’s not.
Lauren: Whatever. She’s not staying at my house.
Somewhere else in the City of Angels Whitney tells Sara that she met a woman who specializes in “creative visualization workshops in energy clearing” and that she signed up their group of friends for a session over the weekend. Sara seems excited, because she’s all about that new agey stuff. See, this is one topic where New Yorker and Los Angelinos disagree. In New York, if we are feeling negative energy, we just pop pills. Paxil, Xanax, Ativan – oh my!