“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 301 – “Apples and Oranges”

 
 

Back in LA, Romi falls into a house full of Whitney’s exes to kvetch. Ex #1 Jaq and Ex #2 Rachel and Whitney’s BFF Alyssa now live together. They all have something in common — Whitney and their mutual dislike of Sara.

Says Jaq, “Sara is like scabies. You can never totally get rid of her.”

Kind of like this show. It just keeps coming back, season after season, no matter what.

Romi blames her falling out with Whitney on Sara, telling the group that Sara has corrupted Whitney’s mind. She then moves on and tells everyone she is back together with her ex boyfriend. At first you could hear a pin drop, but eventually, everyone peels their jaws off the floor and the girls say they are cool with it.

Next we find out Cory and Kaci’s baby’s name: Charlie Monroe, which could be either a girl’s name or a boy’s name. How clever. I guess it didn’t matter if Charlie was a he or a she after all.

Armed with new information about Romi, Alyssa calls Whitney to gossip, telling Whitney that Romi is back with Jay. Whitney’s reaction is a yawn – Romi was never exclusive with the ladies. Alyssa tells Whitney that Romi is afraid that the community will cast her out for dating a man.

“Why would anyone cast her out for that reason?” quips Whitney. “There are so many more to choose from!”

Ooooh, snap!

Then Whitney turns around and tells Sara about Romi and Jay, to which Sara responds that Romi does everything for attention — whatever it takes to keep the spotlight on her, people talking about her. Girl, you signed up to be on the Real L Word. Isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black?

Back in Brooklyn, Hunter Valentine is chillin’ at Metropolitan, their favorite haunt. Somer voices concerns about touring and being away from home, and Kiyomi tells her she doesn’t give a crap about her emotional issues. They both agree that the upcoming tour will be a trial run to see whether Somer is a good fit for the band.

Then Ali sidles up to Kiyomi and picks a fight with her, telling her that she is going to have sex with other people, because being casual and non-monogamous was Kiyomi’s idea. They bicker back and forth, causing Laura to roll her eyes. Laura tells us that Kiyomi’s middle name should be “drama.” Kiyomi’s solution to end the squabble is simple. She tells Ali, “Let’s go have sex,” because as you will see over the course of the episode, it is the only way to make Ali shut up.

Meanwhile, Kelsey is farting around on Facebook, otherwise known as the Santa Ana winds that fuel the wildfires of lesbian drama, and she discovers that Romi has gotten back together with Jay. Her response can be summed up thusly: “Ew.”

Sara gets coffee with her friend Brandi, whose eyebrows as just as intense as hers. It is like watching four angry black caterpillars gesture at one another. To describe her relationship with Whitney, Sara says, “I threw in the towel, and now I’m stuck in the vagina,” which could possibly be the best line of the show, even if it doesn’t entirely make sense.

Whitney tells Alyssa that she wants to propose to Sara. Yep. Whitney wants to put a ring on it. Alyssa tries to hold down her vomit as she says, diplomatically, “You’re my best friend, so I support whatever decision you are making, even if I think it is insane.” But in her head, she’s all, “I still want to cut that bitch, and if I have to be a bridesmaid, the party favors better include Xanax and a flask full of bourbon, ‘cuz homegirl done lost her mind.”

Romi is about to go to an LGBT fundraiser, and she intends to bring Jay as her date. She is afraid of what people will think of her. She tells us that she and Jay met because Jay spotted her on the street, noting that she looked a lot like his girlfriend at the time. They actually look like identical twins.

No, not creepy at all, Jay. Not at all.

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