“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 301 – “Apples and Oranges”

Back in Los Angeles, we discover that Cory and Kaci’s epic scavenger hunt for sperm has been a success. They are in the ultrasound room, where they are about to find out the sex of mini Corci. It’s a girl! And they cry tears of joy, probably because they already picked her name, and choosing a boy name would take two more trimesters of nitpicking and processing.

Cut to Whitney and Sara. Both seem to have mended their wild ways and are trying to make their relationship work. They clink wine glasses, and Sara stares intently at Whitney. While the blind appears to be leading the blind here, even a blind squirrel occasionally stumbles upon a nut – so maybe there‘s a chance for these crazy lovebirds, although I don’t know who is the squirrel, and who is the nut. Actually they’re probably both nuts.

Next we meet Lauren, who is a jewelry designer. She has just launched her line of high end jewelry and is showcasing some pieces at an event. Whitney and Sara roll in, and we find out that Lauren dated Kelsey for two seconds after Kelsey and Romi broke up, and that is how she knows Whitney. Lauren has already encountered haterade from Romi’s general direction due to her flirtation with Kelsey. Just 10 months into the Los Angeles scene, and Lauren can already play the game of One Degree of Whitney Mixter, which is like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except it might involve a panicked trip or two to the clinic.

About Lauren, Whitney says, “She seems to be a wild one.” Maybe she is wild enough wrestle in one of your kiddie pools filled with squishy food. We can only hope.

Lauren calls the L.A. scene “juvenile” and “petty” and full of unnecessary drama, so she cannot wait for her best friend Amanda, with whom she has always had sexual tension, to move in with her. Lauren defines their relationship as “friends with benefits.” So back up. In order to simplify her life and avoid drama, Lauren is going to import her best friend from New York with whom she has set no boundaries, move her into her house and start hooking up with her, hoping that things will miraculously stay hunky dory. As Aristotle said, “Youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope.”

Meanwhile, in Brooklyn, Amanda is being regaled by the worst freestyle rap ever as she gets ready to move to Los Angeles. But since we are in the white people part of Brooklyn – and it doesn’t look like we will ever leave the white people part of Brooklyn this season, maybe we should call it excruciatingly awful slam poetry or spoken word.

Also in Brooklyn, we meet Kiyomi’s de facto girlfriend Ali. Ali was supposed to be a one night stand, but months later, perplexingly, she is still around. This is how 99% of all lesbian relationships for 20-somethings progress, so congratulations, Kiyomi and Ali — you‘re normal. Kiyomi claims they are not in a relationship, but they talk every day, give each other cute little presents and when they are in the same city, appear to spend all of their free time together. Listen, if it looks like and duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck. Ali wishes that Kiyomi would simply just call the duck a duck, but Kiyomi is too busy ducking the topic.

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