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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 209, the Season Finale

Previously: Cori and Kacy became the proud new owners of a veiny, eight-inch paperweight. Newly single Romi spread her wings and promptly wrapped them around Whitney’s head. Sajdah’s mom paid a visit to her “Ima-bang-you-out” daughter. Claire was AWOL, Rachel cried some more, and Kelsey started livin’ in a box. Livin’ in a cardboard box.

Today, Romi is regretting her recent make-out/hook-up with Whitney. Whether it was for real, for the moment, or wink, wink, for the camera, is anyone’s guess, but now in the harsh light of her the bathroom mirror, Romi sees it was a fail. She has better things to do, anyway. Like her eyebrows.

Good eyebrows: The femme’s six-pack. No, wait. That’s boobs. Good eyebrows: The femme’s gun show. Better.

Romi is modeling her rings and things from Hija, her original jewelry line. She and her biz partner, Vanessa have a potential buyer and they want to show him pictures at the meeting. Romi has two poses: pensively looking to the left, and pensively looking to the right.

Tyra called. You’re not smizing.

Whitney has better things to do, too. Her San Francisco trick, Jaq, is in town to help with the Pants vs. Pumps Throwdown field day. Whitney tells Jaq they have a lot of work to do: make gold hammer and shoe trophies, get props for the three-legged high heel race, and build other crazy things. It’s sort of genius.

As Whitney drives through that all-too familiar exit at LAX, she should wave to Francine, who’s on her way into the airport to pick up her mom, Yoko. Magical Elves should just open an annex office at Baggage Claim.

Francine’s mother appears in her Vegas afternoon finery, which makes sense, since she lives in Las Vegas. What doesn’t make sense, is this (as suggested by Nada on my Facebook):

Yoko was a famous singer and actress in Japan in the 60s, but today, she’s your typical nagging Asian mother. Asian mothers only care about four things: Are you saving money? How is your job? Do you have successful friends? And again, are you saving money?

Francine has added stress because she plans on coming out to her mom this time around. Meanwhile, Yoko has brought her own surprise. She wants to make Francine listen to cassettes of her singing. I don’t know which has the bigger yikes factor: 1968 Japanese cabaret tunes or admitting Claire was your girlfriend.

Yoko wants the best of everything for her only child, so, she gives Francine some time-tested, Asian mother-approved advice.

Yoko: If you’re going to choose a guy, he has to be nice. Of course, they have to have money, too. Not just a pretty face. You’ll get bored of the face in one year.

Or if you’re Romi, less than a year.

Francine drops her mom off in her hotel room and goes up to the pool alone to quietly freak out. She orders a drink and lights a cigarette. “Can I just write it on a napkin?” she wonders as her stomach churns.

Sphincter Level: 10

Meanwhile, Sweet Merciful Death Rachel is finally getting the help she needs, thanks to Whitney’s checkbook, and a phone call — Rachel’s too sad to even set up her own appointments. On her first visit to a therapist, she unloads her emotional baggage, which is full of booze, Klonopin, soggy tissues and one mean mother. No wonder she’s clingy and sad. Poor Rachel. I want to gently chuck her under the chin.

Over in Culver City, Cori and Kacy are fighting over the Inseminator. “Give me my penis back!” I just want to put it in your mouth.” “Did I shoot you in the eye?” It’s all over my face!” “Did you just d–k smack me?” The downstairs neighbor is very, very confused right about now.

Elsewhere, Whitney and Jaq are bringing all their creativity and power tools to bear for Pants vs. Pumps. If you think putting on a lesbian field day is easy, think again. There are signs and shirts and pieces of plywood in the shape of high heels everywhere. After hours of painting and cutting, it’s time to get cleaned up. Together.

Have you noticed that all of Whitney’s girl-toys are covered in tats from head to toe, just like she is? Every time Whitney gets into the shower with one of them, it’s like watching two Ed Hardy shirts in a washing machine.

Feeling centered and grounded since her mother’s visit, Sajdah has decided it’s time to reach out to Chanel again. Chanel agrees to meet Sajdah during the day, in a public place, with some mace in her purse.

Sajdah: I miss you.

Chanel: [Silence]

Sajdah: I’ve been thinking a lot. Just about all the things that we went through, and a lot of them that I don’t think we necessarily had to. Ya know? We were, like, arguing over how to show affection. So for me, I personally just wanted to apologize for all those moments.

Sajdah acknowledges how different they are. She smiles and says to Chanel, “I’m on 10, all the time, I’m crazy excited all the time, I’m in everyone’s business, I’m all over the place.” Chanel laughs because she finds puppies with ADD adorable, for some reason.

Chanel explains that when she wants her alone time, and doesn’t want any PDA, it’s nothing personal. Of course it is, but they agree to try again, slowly this time. Sometimes, you have nowhere to go but up.

There’s the tagline for Season 3. You’re welcome.

After chickening out at the hotel, Francine is taking another run at her mother, this time by bringing her to her house. Yoko looks around — “Ohh, nice.” — and Francine stalls by showing her the backyard and offering to nuke some sake. Finally, it’s time.

Francine: Well, I’m going to tell you something. [long-ass pause] So, for 10 years or so, I haven’t told you this. I’ve been dating women. So, don’t get mad.

Yoko: You’re sure?

Francine: Yeah. I don’t want you to be embarrassed or, like, disappointed in me. I don’t want you to be ashamed.

Yoko: I not ashamed.

Francine: You still love me?

Yoko: Of course! Of course!… I love so much, you. I love so much.

Yoko tells Francine to make sure people know being gay doesn’t “weigh her down.” She imagines it will go something like this: “Oh, Francine gay, but oh, she good job, and good girl. She everything good. Then, you happy.” Leave it to a Tiger Mom to slip in the importance of having a good job into any conversation.

Francine is relieved. Just as things are going well, she mentions Claire. Yoko jumps in immediately and says, “Claire, I really no like… That girl, really bad.” Awesome.

Francine owes her mother a bazillion hours of listening to her warbling old Japanese songs.

Somewhere on a chilly beach, Kacy has gathered their friends to perform some sort of pagan fertility ritual with lilies. Um, OK. She went to church to pray. She held Cori’s hand at the doctor’s and wished as hard as she could every night. She’s read her research and lit her candles. Kacy’s done everything except a human sacrifice.

With Cori by her side, Kacy tells the gathering to focus all their energy and thoughts, and send them into the universe, so it will send them “a cute, smart one.” Please, please, please. And Cori was worried the ceremony was going to be wack-a-doo.

Everyone takes turns tossing their lilies into the water. Does it help or mean anything? No, Kacy’s pulling it out of her ass as she goes along. Lastly, Kacy throws a single red rose into the roiling surf for Cori, because baby or not, they’ll always have each other. Kacy’s too good to be true. I bet she snores.

Elsewhere, Claire tells Vivian they’ll always have each other, too, mostly because no one within city limits wants anything to do with her anymore. Even the hobos on Santa Monica Boulevard won’t pose with her in white t-shirts for her silly website.

Claire starts talking gibberish what Vivian thought or didn’t think before she came to LA. Not only is she not a writer, she’s not so good with the spoken word thing, either. It doesn’t matter. Vivian lays down the law on the future of their relationship as Claire cowers like a beaten child.

Vivian: I’m very well aware of the way you function, the way you work. You and your Leo-ness about doing whatever the eff you want, whenever you want to, and however you like to do it? It doesn’t work. I’ve done it before. It’s not fun and I promise myself that I would never do it again. And I won’t.

Go home to New York, Claire. The girls are more forgiving and the pizza’s better.

Later that night, Whitney goes to here! bar, where she sees Sara for the first time in a long time. And she’s not alone. Sara’s with Erica, the girl she denied seeing when Whitney confronted her. Whitney refuses to talk to Sara for more that 30 seconds, but can’t stop herself from watching them getting sloppy and tonguey on the other side of the dance floor. Next thing you know, Sara and Erica are stumble drunk, falling all over each other as they leave, and finally, go down on the ground outside the Abbey. Hey look, it’s a full moon.

Whitney: Seeing her f-cked up and all over Erica? It’s sad. I’m thinking there’s not a lot of substance going on between the two of them.

The only thing going on between them is a yeast infection.

Francine’s mom has gone home to Las Vegas, where a Pai Gow table has her name on it. Free and happy, Francine is rarin’ to go for Pumps vs. Pants. All over town, the girls are getting ready to represent their respective crews. Whitney and Jaq pack Whitney’s Lexus with props and prizes, and head out to the site. Cori wants Kacy to show her how to tie a tie (that’s one of the games), while others are brushing their teeth like there’s not tomorrow.

Sajdah is on her way in yet another different car, and even Claire is getting ready to attend, hoping there’s no dunk tank. And then, there’s Kelsey, who left yesterday because her ride is now a used Schwinn.

Being poor has its upside; you can’t afford a carbon footprint.

Field day is being held at a rented house near the beach. In the backyard, excitement is mounting as everyone chooses a “Pants” or “Pumps” t-shirt, customized into plunging V-necks, or just strips of nothing. In LA, we can’t just leave well enough alone.

Rose Garcia is there, and so is crowd favorite, Scarlett, with her girlfriend, Eli. Sajdah has brought Chanel, who stands around with her arms crossed, a tepid smile on her bored face. She can’t wait for the games to begin, so she can retreat to the car and call her friends without Sajdah noticing.

And like most lesbian parties, it’s a veritable cavalcade of exes. Claire sees Francine walk in with Khristianne and cringes. As bad as it was for Whitney to see Sara, it’s worse for Claire because she wants to say, “Hey, how’s it goin’?” Unfortunately, she and Francine are a little too Crouching Tiger, Hidden Douchebag whenever they come within 15 feet of each other.

Instead, Claire takes the high road and basically tells the camera she thinks Khristianne’s a beast. I will give Claire this: She is reliable.

In other confessions, Romi says Whitney’s great and all, but no thanks. They make better friends than lovers. Kelsey keeps her distance from Romi but admits she still has feelings for her. “I’ll always love her,” she says, “But sometimes, a girl just wants a drink. [laughing] Huh huh.”

Whitney grabs the mic and welcomes everyone to the first Annual Pants vs. Pumps Throwdown. The Pumps cheer, “Pump, pump, pump it up!” The Pants huddle and break with, “Pumps, take your pants off!” Let the games begin.

What would a Whitney Mixter event be without pouring something gross into a kiddie pool and making girls wrestle around in it? Last year, it was creamed corn. This year, it’s chocolate sauce. Romi asks the best question of the entire series: “Why does she always put sh-t in a pool, and want to wrestle?”

Scarlett and Eli are fun girls who are DFW, (down for whatever) and jump right in. Watching two hot girls slathered in chocolate as they hydroplane off each other’s racks is too much for Cori. She’s horny as hell now and grabs Kacy for a quickie in the bushes. Really? That’s all it takes? Oh honey, you really need to get out more.

After a whole minute, Corcy emerges from behind a hedge, smiling and smelling their fingers. Kacy whistling a jaunty tune and saunters into the backyard, where Rose is standing next to Rachel, asking her why she’s so fricking emo.

Rachel assures Rose she’s totes fine now. LA is going to work out for her after all, what, with all the free therapy and everything. Life is good. Actually, lesbian life in LA is good. As we round the last bend on this season, all the girls bring it on home:

Romi:

Armed with Hija samples, a look-book and crossed fingers, she and Vanessa meet Udi, the chief designer at Love and Pride jewelry. Romi shows her wares, one of which is a fur bracelet. “It’s rabbit,” she says apologetically. Udi doesn’t care if it’s unicorn hide; he likes Romi’s “alternative accessories” and agrees to carry her line. Romi’s come a long way, baby. Being sober, creative and focused feels better than being hung-over, broke and living with mumbling mannequin.

Cori and Kacy:

For some reason, Cori cannot get her pee stick to produce a smiley face to save her life. But at the doctor’s office she and Kacy see a “beautiful follicle” on the ultrasound. She’s ready for another spermapalooza. They’re excited all over again, but now know that no matter what, they have each other. Each other, and a giant vision board with a zygote on it.

Sajdah and Chanel:

The showmance that gave you Post-It questionnaires, “bang you out” and “you stupid as sh-t” is going to celebrate their newfound serenity with a vacation to Jamaica, the perfect place for gay PDA. Sajdah has packed the standard butch carry-on, consisting of three underwear, three pairs of shorts, three shirts, and three pairs of socks. Chanel has put every summer thing she owns into a series of Space Bags, and has to stand on her suitcase to get it close. What a femme. Have fun, you crazy kids.

Whitney:

After hooking up with everyone from Jaq to Jill, putting Sweet Merciful Death into therapy, and driving to and from LAX a thousand times, Whitney has come to the horrifying realization that the only girl who gets under her soul is… Sara.

Whitney: I love you.

Sara: I love you, too.

Whitney: You are such an a-hole.

Sara: You are.

Girls, girls. You both are. Kidding.

What? No finale love for Francine and Claire? I guess Francine’s too busy trying to get Khristianne’s cholesterol down. And Claire is on her way back to NYC with Vivian. God speed, Claire. I’ll keep an eye on the internet for you until you get back.

And they all lived happily ever after. The End.

I hope everyone had fun! Thanks for reading every week and coming along on this ride with me. You made it all worthwhile. If I could, I would buy each and every one of you a slouchy hat to remember our time together.

Rock on with your bad selves-

Dara

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