If ever there was someone who needed a hug and some unconditional love, it would be Rachel. When Whitney finally clears her schedule to take Rachel out to lunch, she has her crying into her salad in five minutes, flat.
Whitney: When I’m looking at you, and you’re f-cked up on something, and I say to you, for your own good, “Rachel, I’m trying … like, what’s up?” And I try to make it light-hearted. And you’re, like, [slurred] “I dunno know what you’re talkin’ bout.”
Rachel: That’s not true. [long, long silence] I mean, I’m getting myself under control, I’m definitely—
Whitney: That’s not true, and you know it.
Rachel stares out at the street from behind her sunglasses, speechless. Rachel wanted some alone-time with soothing, strong Whitney, who would tell her she cares, say it’s going to be OK, and suggest some mind-erasing sex. This is not going as hoped. If she wanted a bossypants intervention, she could’ve gone to Romi’s.
But Whitney – who I noticed last season is never drunk or out of control – says she knows addiction when she sees it. Because it takes one to know one.
Whitney, the High School Years
Whitney reveals that her best friend died from drugs, just as she was getting away from that scene. Her voice cracks, “I don’t want to see that ever happen to anybody that I care about again.”
Rachel cries and eats salad at the same time until she can’t chew anymore. She knows she’s a mess. She knows she’s mixing things she shouldn’t mix. She’s surprised, almost disappointed, that she wakes up in the morning. Whitney offers to pay for Rachel to seek professional help. That’s very generous of Whitney. Cause it’s all fun and games until someone loses their will to live. Man, this is one feel-good episode.
That said, there’s almost something comical in Romi and Kelsey’s break-up because Romi is still telling Kelsey how to save her money, and Kelsey is so broke, she needs Romi to drive her to the couch she’ll be crashing on.
Kelsey is ready to get the hell outta Dodge and mocks Romi: “I need, I need, I need,” like a parrot.
Maternal to the last, Romi drops Kelsey at a friend’s house and says, “If she needs anything, call me,” like she’s boarding her dog, or dropping off her daughter for her first sleep-over.
Somewhere else, in a hotel room, Sajdah is in bed with her mother.
You know what this episode needs? Some good ol’ fashion douchery to liven things up. Unfortunately, Claire is lying low, having been outed as a snobby sh-t talker by her equally mature ex, Francine. She won’t be tossing her mane around town for a while. Besides, Claire’s busy writing about fashion and health, and buying Vivian new baby-dolls to wear to bed.
Instead, we’re forced to watch this engrossing scene: Francine learns about the Japanese Constitution from her boss’s wife. Today’s lesson is about Japan’s obsession with harmony and conformity. “Pound the nail that sticks out,” goes the Japanese adage.
Of course, in America, it’s your inalienable, god-given right to do whatever you want, whenever you want, for as long as you want. You can walk down Seventh Avenue wearing nothing but a thong and a gas mask and no one will look at you twice. You can have your face embedded with studs and a mob of people will friend you on Facebook. You can be on one season of a small reality show and end up with 3000 Twitter followers, even though you have absolutely nothing interesting to say.
Francine is glad she lives in America because she’s about to tell her mother she’s a nail that sticks out.
To take everyone’s mind off of suicide, break-ups and difficult convos with their parents, Whitney and Alyssa invite Romi, who’s sporting a new weave, and Cori and Kacy over to unveil “The Inseminator.”
Kacy inspects the unit. Cori puts the dildo on and lets Kacy slaps at it like a playful cat. “Is this how you give a hand job?” Kacy asks, cluelessly.
Not only is that not how to give a hand job, I’m pretty sure it’s upside down.
The lovebirds leave to play with their new toy, with Romi right behind them. The house is quiet as Alyssa cleans up and Whitney jumps on her phone. Alyssa wants to know who she’s texting now, but Whitney claims she’s just tweeting. Uh huh.
Pulling her ol’ “Gee I’m so tired” routine, Whitney says she’s going to bed. Alyssa and her girlfriend fall for it every time, and retreat to their bedroom. As soon as the coast is clear, Whitney smiles and opens the front door.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Romi. Romi who? Romi over and ride my ass.
See? I told you we all need Friends with Benefits.
Next week: Whitney and Romi relive old times. Vivian gives Claire a second chance. Francine’s mother comes to town with a Gucci bag and a hammer. Sajdah grows up a smidge. Corcy decides to let the sperms fall where they may. Just one episode left! Are you sad?