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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 208

Previously: Cori’s first attempt at pregnancy was a fail. Francine made damn sure Claire’s sh-t talk came back to bite her in the ass. Kelsey decided she’s not a drunk, despite what Romi told her. Whitney was too busy to notice Rachel’s feeble psyche. And Sajdah screamed at Chanel for the last time. Shocking. They seemed so good together.

We start this second-to-last episode with Sajdah excusing her berating rants and rapey gropes by saying, “I got a little growing up to do — in my sexuality, still getting stable in Los Angeles.” How about just getting stable, period?

Sajdah’s mantra all season has been, “I’m new to this.” You remember being new, doncha? Pinching girls’ nipples, calling them “stupid as sh-t,” and sideswiping parked cars? Yeah. Good times.

With Chanel hiding out in a women’s shelter, Sajdah has plenty of time to pick up her mother, Sarita, whose plane has just landed at LAX. Today, Sajdah’s car is grey. Sometimes, it’s white. It’s always an economy-sized sedan. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s been driving a rental car all this time.

Inside the terminal, Sarita tells Sajdah she met some nice lesbians on the plane, and one of them said her name was “Ace.” Sajdah immediately guesses correctly her real name is Ashley, but it’s too feminine for a butch, hence, “Ace.” Guess who’s not really “new” after all.

Sajdah says her mother is the strongest person she knows because she had Sajdah when she was 16. Then, her own mom was murdered. And then someone else died. And there’s no mention of Sajdah’s father at all. You think that’s hard? Sajdah’s new to being gay. That’s hard!

Later over pancakes, Sajdah and Sarita delve into a theological discussion. Sajdah wonders since “God orchestrates everything,” why isn’t Chanel at home, waxing her vadge and waiting for her in bed? Sarita tells her daughter to suck it up — that’s life — and PS, stop buying jeans with holes in them.

Elsewhere, Kacy is out with her friend Drea, who’s in town on business. Drea and her partner have twins, so Kacy is eager to hear how they did it, how long did it take, and did they use a homemade dildo with an anal douche attachment?

Drea has bad news for the impatient Kacy: It took a year and seven tries to create the twins they have. Ain’t that just the way? Each attempt puts you deeper in debt. You start taking fertility drugs to increase your odds. A year later, you’re filing for bankruptcy and holding triplets. As Drea prattles on about the cost of lawyers, diapers, college and bail, Kacy’s mind races. Kids are expensive! Welcome to parenthood.

Still clinging to the notion that she and Cori can incorporate sex into the process so they can pretend that they made a baby together, Kacy asks Drea for advice. Drea laughs at Kacy’s silly romantic notion and says, “No. This isn’t TV… it’s more like ‘don’t move, don’t move!'” So, it is like having sex.

Later that night, Francine invites Whitney, Romi, Kelsey and Rachel over for dinner in her newly landscaped backyard. As her guests file in, Francine admonishes Khristianne for throwing half a stick of butter into the shrimp, gasping in horror: “Oh my gosh, you’re so unhealthy, the way you cook!”

During dinner, Khristianne’s can’t stop enjoying the buttery goodness of her shrimp. She’s got her eatin’ pants on. Stand back.

Francine announces she’s going to come out to her traditional Japanese mother and does a Margaret Cho-inspired imitation of her, to the delight of the table. Resbain so funny! I only use a fake Asian accent when idiotic white people ask me if I speak English, which happens more often than you’d think.

Once upon a time, a woman who hit my car assumed I didn’t speak English. Which prompted me to scream at her, “You hit my ca! What the matter? You no can see? You need grasses! Old rady, you drive so bad.” And then, I sued the sh-t out of her. The end.

Romi asks Francine what she’s going to say to the woman who thought Claire was just a friend with a manly walk. Francine says she plans on using, “It’s what’s inside that counts.” And what’s inside is a uterus.

Rachel says her mother didn’t like the news when she came out, but liked it even less when her little sister did, too. Romi suggests that Francine create a PowerPoint presentation for her mother. Like this?

You’re welcome.

After dinner, the others scatter inside the house. Alone outside, Romi whispers to Whitney that Kelsey is being weird.

Romi: Kelsey’s like, “So, Whit’s coming to dinner?” And she was like, “Do I have to sit there and listen to you guys laugh the whole time?”

Whitney: [smiling] Aw.

Romi: I don’t know what to say.

Whitney is oddly unmoved by the news that her friend’s girlfriend has a problem with her. Instead, she smirks and tells Romi to stop smiling and walk with her head down.

The next day, Whitney and Alyssa are leveraging Whitney’s celesbian status and “Juicy” success to plan a lesbian field day: “The Pants versus Pumps Throwdown.” Lesbian field days have been done before, but not with Whitney at the helm, and not one pitting butches against the femmes. It’s all about taking something old and saying it’s new. Right, Claire?

As Whitney dictates a list of contestants consisting of their five friends on the show, she almost forgets to include Kelsey. It’s just as well. Kelsey needs to be looking for a job, not sack-racing while holding a vodka and red bull.

Alyssa takes the opportunity to suggests that Whitney check on Rachel, who’s in the kitchen with her head in the oven.

Whitney claims she didn’t realize she was ignoring Rachel, even though she’s intuitive as all get out and can feel the pull of Rachel’s emotional black hole from a million light-years away. But despite her better judgment to side-step that rabbit hole, she promises Alyssa she’ll take Rachel to lunch. Or, an intervention.

We now join Romi and Kelsey’s screaming break-up, already in progress.

Romi: Where are you going?!

Kelsey: Stop yelling at me! F-ck!

Romi: Well this isn’t how you’re going to f-cking deal with this! Just tell me ’cause I had a whole night planned, and then [you] just leave!

Kelsey: I’m not going anywhere, Romi.

Romi: You don’t see anything wrong in this? You don’t think you did anything wrong?

Oh, women and their trick questions. Don’t answer them if you want to live.

So, apparently, Kelsey has just told Romi she had a drink a few days ago. Now, the merde has hit the fan. Romi feels alone and betrayed because Kelsey doesn’t want to sit next to her on the wagon anymore. Kelsey feels stifled and thirsty because she’s only 23 and these are her best drinking years. No one’s right and no one’s wrong. The only thing wrong in this scenario is Romi’s hideous shirt.

Somewhere, Drew is ironing his flannel shirts and wondering why no one’s invites him over to watch a Law & Order marathon.

So far this week, Sarita has told Sajdah that life doesn’t hand you a pair of boobs just because you want them. Drea told Kacy you can’t merely snap your fingers and make a baby. Alyssa told Whitney she can’t just ignore Rachel’s moping and mewing. Romi is realizing that personal journeys are not like girl parties: You don’t get a plus 1. Kelsey has decided she’d rather liquor than lick her. And Francine now sees that Khristianne can’t be trusted around dairy products.

Reality has finally come to The Real L Word. Reality sucks.

Adding to the misery, Cori is home having dinner with Kacy when she does some quick math. She realizes it’s going to cost them almost $3000 a month to continue their insemination plan, which could drag on for a year or more. Kacy practically chokes on her peas.

In an interview, Cori blurts out, “I think we need to find a live person.” Kacy does a spit take and glares at Cori like she’s just suggested they steal a baby from a passing stranger.

Kacy: A what?

Cori: A live person.

Kacy: What do you mean “a live person”?

Cori: I don’t know.

Kacy: Like a different donor?

Cori: Yeah, but like a person. Like, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Kacy: I just don’t understand-

Cori: [clamps her hand in Kacy’s face] Uhhh! Don’t yell!

That was not yelling. Cori doesn’t know from yelling until she’s met Sajdah. So delicate, our little flower.

Kacy doesn’t enjoy Cori doing Shushing Puppet Hand in her face. Cori gets upset and walks out on the interview, forcing Kacy to get up and check on her. If these two are ready to be parents, I’m ready for the cover of Vogue.

While Sajdah creates her own Bring Your Mother to Work day to show Sarita the nice people at the LA Gay & Lesbian Center, Corcy are still arguing over the most efficient way to get pregnant. Unlike some straight girls, getting knocked up isn’t as cheap and easy as, well, being cheap and easy.

Since deciding to use a sperm bank, Kacy says she now realizes she can’t handle a known donor, thus vindicating all their sperm-hoarding friends. I guess this means she’s not going to be giving her eggs out anytime soon either. Another bullet dodged.

Cori realizes how far from the process Kacy feels sometimes — it’s not her womb, it’s not her biological baby. They make up and agree not to yell and shush. Because at the end of the month, it’s the two of them, together, sharing a life. And mounting debt.

Less committed are Romi and Kelsey, who are moments away from calling last call on their relationship. The greeting card Romi bought Kelsey (gotta love those last-ditch efforts!) sits unopened as they argue about the importance of not drinking. Romi asks Kelsey pointedly, “What does it mean to me?” Dead silence. No one told Kelsey there was going to be a pop quiz.

Don’t bother. Kelsey’s gone to her happy place.

Kelsey says she knows relationships are give and take. But she’s done giving — Romi is all about Romi. And since there are two sides to every break up, Romi feels like she’s given enough, too. Does that include bus fare? “I’m sorry Kels,” Romi says, tears streaming down her face, “But the person that I was with you is not here anymore.” Elvis has left the building.

Kelsey is not only losing her girlfriend, she’s losing her drinking partner. When you’re young, dumb and full of rum, it’s worse than having your girlfriend go straight. At least you can drink with that kind of ex.

Meanwhile, Sajdah and Sarita are getting ready to go to church. Sarita is still getting used to Sajdah’s new look. Instead of wearing the ballet flats and cute tops she sent with her to LA, Sajdah looks “like a young man.”

Of course, Sajdah thinks she’s the bomb and says, “I’m going to be too pretty to pay attention at church.”

After a good and uplifting afternoon at Agape, a “New Thought-Ancient Wisdom” spiritual center in Culver City, Sarita has an epiphany. She’s now totes fine with Sajdah scissoring a lady woman, getting gay married, and giving her “vitro babies.” That must have been some sermon. I’ve been to Agape and all I got was a very, very long hug from the lady next to me. Usually, you have to buy me a drink first.

If ever there was someone who needed a hug and some unconditional love, it would be Rachel. When Whitney finally clears her schedule to take Rachel out to lunch, she has her crying into her salad in five minutes, flat.

Whitney: When I’m looking at you, and you’re f-cked up on something, and I say to you, for your own good, “Rachel, I’m trying … like, what’s up?” And I try to make it light-hearted. And you’re, like, [slurred] “I dunno know what you’re talkin’ bout.”

Rachel: That’s not true. [long, long silence] I mean, I’m getting myself under control, I’m definitely-

Whitney: That’s not true, and you know it.

Rachel stares out at the street from behind her sunglasses, speechless. Rachel wanted some alone-time with soothing, strong Whitney, who would tell her she cares, say it’s going to be OK, and suggest some mind-erasing sex. This is not going as hoped. If she wanted a bossypants intervention, she could’ve gone to Romi’s.

But Whitney — who I noticed last season is never drunk or out of control — says she knows addiction when she sees it. Because it takes one to know one.

Whitney reveals that her best friend died from drugs, just as she was getting away from that scene. Her voice cracks, “I don’t want to see that ever happen to anybody that I care about again.”

Rachel cries and eats salad at the same time until she can’t chew anymore. She knows she’s a mess. She knows she’s mixing things she shouldn’t mix. She’s surprised, almost disappointed, that she wakes up in the morning. Whitney offers to pay for Rachel to seek professional help. That’s very generous of Whitney. Cause it’s all fun and games until someone loses their will to live. Man, this is one feel-good episode.

That said, there’s almost something comical in Romi and Kelsey’s break-up because Romi is still telling Kelsey how to save her money, and Kelsey is so broke, she needs Romi to drive her to the couch she’ll be crashing on.

Kelsey is ready to get the hell outta Dodge and mocks Romi: “I need, I need, I need,” like a parrot. Maternal to the last, Romi drops Kelsey at a friend’s house and says, “If she needs anything, call me,” like she’s boarding her dog, or dropping off her daughter for her first sleep-over.

Somewhere else, in a hotel room, Sajdah is in bed with her mother.

That’s normal.

You know what this episode needs? Some good ol’ fashion douchery to liven things up. Unfortunately, Claire is lying low, having been outed as a snobby sh-t talker by her equally mature ex, Francine. She won’t be tossing her mane around town for a while. Besides, Claire’s busy writing about fashion and health, and buying Vivian new baby-dolls to wear to bed.

Instead, we’re forced to watch this engrossing scene: Francine learns about the Japanese Constitution from her boss’s wife. Today’s lesson is about Japan’s obsession with harmony and conformity. “Pound the nail that sticks out,” goes the Japanese adage.

Of course, in America, it’s your inalienable, god-given right to do whatever you want, whenever you want, for as long as you want. You can walk down Seventh Avenue wearing nothing but a thong and a gas mask and no one will look at you twice. You can have your face embedded with studs and a mob of people will friend you on Facebook. You can be on one season of a small reality show and end up with 3000 Twitter followers, even though you have absolutely nothing interesting to say.

Francine is glad she lives in America because she’s about to tell her mother she’s a nail that sticks out.

To take everyone’s mind off of suicide, break-ups and difficult convos with their parents, Whitney and Alyssa invite Romi, who’s sporting a new weave, and Cori and Kacy over to unveil “The Inseminator.”

Kacy inspects the unit. Cori puts the dildo on and lets Kacy slaps at it like a playful cat. “Is this how you give a hand job?” Kacy asks, cluelessly.

Not only is that not how to give a hand job, I’m pretty sure it’s upside down.

The lovebirds leave to play with their new toy, with Romi right behind them. The house is quiet as Alyssa cleans up and Whitney jumps on her phone. Alyssa wants to know who she’s texting now, but Whitney claims she’s just tweeting. Uh huh.

Pulling her ol’ “Gee I’m so tired” routine, Whitney says she’s going to bed. Alyssa and her girlfriend fall for it every time, and retreat to their bedroom. As soon as the coast is clear, Whitney smiles and opens the front door.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Romi. Romi who? Romi over and ride my ass.

See? I told you we all need Friends with Benefits.

Next week: Whitney and Romi relive old times. Vivian gives Claire a second chance. Francine’s mother comes to town with a Gucci bag and a hammer. Sajdah grows up a smidge. Corcy decides to let the sperms fall where they may. Just one episode left! Are you sad?

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