The morning after the sh-t show at Haute, Claire realizes no one is coming to her amazeballs photo shoot. As Vivian listens patiently, Claire rehashes last night, working up a froth until she’s basically arguing with herself.
Vivian says to the camera, “Claire is a super brat. She’s a large child. She really does need to be able to apologize, and be mature, and handle what she needs to handle.”
I would like to propose a show starring Scarlett, Alyssa and Vivian. Oh wait. There’s already a show called Intervention. Never mind.
Rachel has gotten some bummer news: She didn’t get the job at Vidal Sassoon. She’s just devastated, mostly because she hasn’t heard that Vidal Sassoon went out of style with Members Only jackets.
That said, Rachel thinks their perfectly professional rejection email was hurtful and uncalled for. She admits that after she read it, she curled up on the floor and bawled her eyes out.
When producers decided to skew younger this year, little did they realize it only accomplished one thing: everyone over 14 feels more mature than boo-boo kitty, Rachel.
Rachel reports it’s lonely in LA when you don’t have a comforting circle of friends, as Whitney and Alyssa sit four feet away. Rachel wants Whitney to stop having a life and just take care of her. Yeah? Well I want Olivia Wilde to come over and wash my car in slow-motion.
Leaving Alyssa to take the first shift on Rachel’s suicide watch, the Whitinator goes out for the evening with her protégé. Good god, they’re multiplying.
In actual sad news, Cori got her period. No baby this month. And because Kacy is the best girlfriend on the face of the earth, she whips out two cigarettes for Cori. See that, person we won’t mention but whose name rhymes with Blajdah? Thoughtful, without any agenda. Learn it. Live it. Know it.
Francine has decided her crew needs a night off from the drama and invites everyone over for a Claire-free get-together. She then makes everyone sit through a Power Point presentation. Does this Asian know how to throw a party or what?
After giving everyone a calculus test and advice on how to get into UC Berkeley, she tricks them into doing her yard work. Genius!
Sajdah is there with Chanel. While Sajdah whoops it up about hoes, Chanel sits outside the circle of conversation, texting. Yeah, it’s rude, but she doesn’t know anyone and doesn’t bother to try.
Sajdah gets annoyed and follows Chanel into the bathroom, passive-aggressively offering her the car keys.
Out in the kitchen, Romi advises Sajdah to let Chanel be herself and come along in her own time, but instead, Sajdah decides it’s time to leave. She finds Chanel sitting in the car, on her phone with someone. Someone like the match.com complaint department.
Sajdah asks if Chanel is ready to go.
Chanel: Do I have a choice?
Sajdah: [scoffs] Nah, you don’t. You’re right. You’re right. You don’t have a choice.
Chanel: [laughs into her phone]
Sajdah: That’s funny? What the f-ck? What’s going on? Why you doing this?
Chanel: [more laughter] I’m on the phone! Stop!
Sajdah: You can’t call him back?
Sajdah: Why you can’t call him back?
Chanel: Because I’m in the middle of a conversation that you interrupted.
Sajdah screams, “Get the f-ck off the phone!” Chanel might as well hang up because you can’t a get a refund from match anyway.
Sajdah faults Chanel for their problems with the following logic: Chanel doesn’t appreciate how stupid she is when it comes to relationships. Chanel doesn’t understand how hard it is for her to be vulnerable. And Chanel doesn’t listen.
Sajdah yells at Chanel, “I don’t got time for this sh-t. You stupid as sh-t!!“
What Sajdah lacks in experience, she makes up for with her gift for words.
Later at home, Sajdah finally realizes just how different she and Chanel are. Sajdah wants to marry the first woman she dates, and Chanel wants to ride that relationship turtle until the show goes off the air.
Sajdah likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Chanel likes talking on the phone with guys and not being molested against a coin-operated dryer.
Sajdah insists she is not going to change (because she’s such a catch) and screams, “I quit! I quit! I quit!”
She then disappears into her bedroom to burn the journal only she’s been writing in, leaving Chanel standing alone with her coat on.
Chanel now believes she was stupid to think whatever it was she was thinking. She drives away from Sajdah’s place, tires squealing. Eh. This total showmance was doomed from the start. But let’s blame Claire anyway.
Next week: Whitney and Alyssa present Corcy with The Inseminator. Francine decides to come out to her mother. Sajdah’s mom comes to LA to see for herself if this is just another one of her daughter’s phases. Kelsey chooses Stoli over Romi. And Rachel decides she doesn’t want to live anymore. Wait. What? Should we call someone?