“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 207

She wonders if Vivian will end up dancing with Francine, but Vivian assures her, “That’s not going to happen. I won’t do that to you.”

Vivian isn’t the one Claire needs to worry about. Unbeknownst to her, the entire Haute clique has heard about her sh-tty texts and insults. Claire doesn’t know it yet, but she’s about to walk into a buzz saw of lesbian revenge. For the love of god, someone get sweet, innocent Vivian outta there.

Claire leaves her BMW with the valet and is immediately confronted by Whitney, who wants to give her the benefit of the doubt until she hears otherwise. Claire denies everything and blames Francine for turning people against her. Please. Claire can do bad all by herself.

When Whitney shows Claire the texts that Romi sent her, Claire acts like she has no idea where any of this is coming from. Plausible denial works better when you don’t leave an electronic trail behind, dumbass. Has Andrew Weiner taught us nothing?

Whitney’s bullsh-t detector is pinging like mad when Francine arrives. They start comparing notes and come to the same conclusion: Claire is going to be featured in a sequel to the book Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.

Francine is appalled that Claire’s claiming it never happened. To prove she’s not the douche in this scenario, Francine proceeds to throw Claire under the bus in front of everyone. And by “everyone” I mean the five lesbians in the reserved Showtime cabana who care about any of this.

Francine: You told me that everyone’s a loser on the show and no one has a real job except for me.

Claire: Really? I said all that?

Francine: You did. You told me that. And then you told me that Sara has a dog face. You didn’t say that? Tell me to my f-cking face you didn’t say that.

Claire: I didn’t say that.

Francine: [standing] Oh really? You are a lying person! Wow! Wow! [pointing] This girl’s lying!

Claire: Francine, you are literally f-cking making an ass out of yourself.

As the others look on, Claire and Francine launch a screaming verbal barrage of insults at each other about who’s the bigger a-hole.

Claire really should stop going to Haute.

Francine is so upset, she starts to cry. Strangely, Vivian goes over to comfort her, assuring Francine she’s not a bad person.

As those two act out their own version of Saving Face, Claire concedes she’s a cheater, and an a-hole, but won’t own up to being a liar, as if being a cheater and an a-hole are no biggies. Vivian’s just annoyed that she’s being dragged into Claire’s nightmare. Welcome to the sh-t storm. Have a nice day.

And once again, Claire leaves Haute early, and in a huff. Whether you’re on Team Francine or Team Claire, I think we can all agree on a few things. We’re glad we’re not them. They all deserve each other. And Vivian got cute for nothing.

Romi missed last night’s fireworks because she’s turned in her shot glass for a shot at being a jewelry designer. She’s made a connection with a jewelry company and sets up an appointment to show the owner her designs. Exciting!

Also exciting? Electric blue mascara. Get yours now, while supplies last.

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