Claire wants Vivian to come for a visit and dangles the dirty bood photo shoot as bait. Vivian is a stylist, so that makes sense, but it’s obvs that Claire just wants to be around one person who doesn’t hate her guts right now. If Vivian can put lipstick on this pig, then by all means, come on out.
Meanwhile, Sajdah is so giddy with post-coital bliss, she says she feels like a “bowl of sugar” and does Chanel’s hair. The Power of the Clam makes Sajdah one hard-working mofo. Seriously. Get the Turtle Wax.
Sajdah’s mother calls and what ensues can only be described as inspired.
Mom: Why you couldn’t be a lipstick lesbian instead of a soft stud?
Sajdah: Who taught you those words?
Mom: Why’d you have to be the boy? That’s what they taught me at work. When I showed them your picture, these girls that I knew that was gay… they said, “That’s a soft stud.” And I was like, “What?”
Sajdah: Chanel, am I a soft stud?
Chanel: You’re not a soft stud.
Mom: Chanel, are you a lipstick lesbian? If I may ask?
Chanel: I thought I was a soft stud.
Mom: You don’t sound like no soft stud, honey.
Sajdah: The only thing even remotely stud about her is she’s a Top.
Mom: She’s a what?
Sajdah’s mother needs to be on this show, stat. And Chanel think she’s a soft stud? Mm, ‘kay. She’s even more clueless than her personal valet, Sajdah.
After Sajdah explains Tops and Bottoms, her mother replies, “I ain’t on the bottom of nothing, You ain’t pulling my hair out. No, I ain’t on the bottom of nothing.”
Now comes the lesson on scissoring. Sajdah says it’s clit on clit, but mom doesn’t get it. “How you do clit to clit, Toffee?” Toffee tries to show her mom. She’s on a regular phone, genius.
I’m pretty sure this is why Skyping was invented.
Romi is trying to network the room at an evening event in Vegas when Kelsey calls from home with some bad news: Hand aufs Herz has been canceled. Also, she’s been fired. Uh oh. What’s going to happen? To Jenny and Emma, I mean.
The other news is very bad for Romi, ’cause she’s already paying all the bills. Kelsey’s dust pile doesn’t go much farther than covering her bar tab. Kelsey feels worthless and shamed and just awful. Aww. It sucks to get fired.
From the look on her face, Romi doesn’t want to either.
Actually, Romi would, if she could. But she can’t. Instead, she wants to know, “Why you can’t keep a job?” Um, have you met her?
This is the second time Kelsey’s been fired, and those are the ones Romi knows about. Sad. Buck up, little buckaroo. There are plenty of jobs out there for someone like you. Why, you could be a mannequin. Or a robot. Or the GOP’s presidential nominee.
In other bad news: Cori still hasn’t ovulated, and Cori admits she doesn’t want Kacy to inject the sperm. She wants her partner up in her face when the moment comes, looking into her eyes, holding her hand, and reminding her to squeezie those Kegels exercises to keep the stuff from oozing out. They decide they should go see the doctor and find out where her eggs are.
Kacy stalls by cleaning the house for five minutes, and then they get in the car and head over.
At the doctor’s office, everything looks OK, so Cori gets the first of her three vials injected into her hoo-ha. Cori can’t believe the day has finally come. She cries tears of real joy as Kacy gives her a kiss.
We’re here, we’re queer, we’re doing this!
Briefly, Claire calls her sister. All of Claire’s scenes involve her being on the phone. Why? Because no one want to be in the same room with her. She reports that her family thinks she’s spoiled and gets away with blue murder. Duh. Just look at this entitled little twerp.
Yup. Someday, I’m going to invent the internets and you’ll be sorry you’re not me.
Claire’s sister tells her it’s going to be hard to do better than Vivian; not many will put up with her bullcrap. She promptly pretends there’s someone at the door and hangs up.
Riveting television. Coming up next: Claire orders a pizza.