Previously: Whitney hooked up with Rachel because she’s all about giving to the needy. Sajdah was still waiting to know what sex is like. When Kelsey tried to emulate Romi’s sobriety, Drew got all up in their bidness. Cori quit smoking, while Francine quit Claire by throwing her clothes on the front lawn. Gee, Claire makes friends wherever she goes.
After a year of talking and planning and talking some more, the big day is fast approaching for Corcy. They have sperm on ice, Cori has quit smoking, and Kacy is getting so pukey with nerves, she doesn’t know what to do with herself. As they wait to see if her pee test is positive for ovulation, Cori realizes, “It’s going to be so gross knowing there’s sperm up there. Is it going to, like, ooze out? Ughhh.”
Yuck. We’re not down with that kind of wet spot. And how should we know these things? Someone should put that in a pamphlet.
The mystery of where sperm goes won’t be solved today, because there is no smiley face on the pee stick; she’s not ovulating yet. Kacy cries out with relief slash disappointment.
Over at Romi’s, her mother stops by to give her a photo album containing pictures of her dad. It’s four years to the day that he died of cancer, and Romi is finally ready to look at the photos. The trip down memory lane reveals many things. Apparently, her dad wanted her to stop drinking, so that’s been going on for a while. And Romi was once married to a man.
And cut her own bangs.
But Romi married before she realized she was gay, just like her gay mother before her. Yup, it’s genetic. What do these two tell people who see their wedding albums? “Oh yeah, I had the lead in Tony and Tina’s Wedding.”
Elsewhere, Sajdah is doing everything she can think of, short of painting Chanel’s house, in the hopes of finally getting laid. She makes her a giant breakfast, complete with fresh squeezed juice and heart-shaped waffles. She writes Chanel a special 30-day anniversary entry in their journal. You remember the journal, don’t you? The one Sajdah gave Chanel, but only Sajdah writes in?
Chanel reads Sajdah’s latest heartfelt Message of Love aloud: “…You mean so much to me. I hope you feel the love I have for you at every single moment.”
Chanel: Thank you. I appreciate you.
Sajdah: We’re so gay if we celebrate a month.
Chanel: I don’t care.
Sajdah: Isn’t it gay?
Chanel: I don’t care! More presents!
“I appreciate you”? Oh Sajdah, honey. No. Just because you drive past a parked car facing the other way, doesn’t mean you’re on a two-way street.
Claire pulls up to Francine’s house and finds her stuff carelessly thrown outside on the porch. Francine’s new squeeze, Khristianne, has a weird Igor-like assistant named Scotty whose one job seem to be sitting outside the house, guarding it while smoking cigarettes and looking homeless.
When Claire sees her designer fashions sitting in a heap like yesterday’s garbage, she goes ballistic. Scotty drones, “I’m partially to blame for that,” and offers to get her a plastic bag before he nods off.
Claire: I’m the loser? I’m the fake person? Nine years, and you throw my s–t out on the curb over nothing? You’re the f–king loser, dude. You’re a sack of s–t.
Claire has a nasty temper. In fact, she’s so busy ranting that she would never do this to Francine (somehow, I actually believe her), she doesn’t even care about her nipple slip.
Anyone else feel a draft?