“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 205

Their problem is simple. Romi’s been there, done that, and is ready to calm down and work towards a future that includes a real career, a 401(k) plan, and an apartment bigger than the inside of a cube truck. Kelsey, on the other hand, is in her hard-partying 20s, will spend her last dollar on a new pair of suspenders, and has spent days wondering why Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth. Oh, wait. That was me.

In the morning, Kelsey pads into the bathroom where Romi is applying her first layer of makeup and intones, “I want to give up drinking.” Nobody likes a quitter, Kelsey.

Instead of doing cartwheels, Romi instinctively knows Kelsey will resent her someday, for all the fun she missed. To keep their relationship together, Kelsey decides she will also find a big career and make money or something, so that Romi doesn’t have to take care of her like a mother. She’s really serious this time and –

What’s that? A bird?

One good thing came out of PYT’s Big Eff You to Claire; Vivian is talking to her again. After reading Barbara’s chat message about the incident, Vivian jumped to Claire’s defense in a way Francine didn’t. When the doo doo hits the fan, you find out who your friends are.

Meanwhile, Claire has cemented Francine’s opinion of her by texting all kinds of crazy after the fact. She called everyone a fake hater and says Whitney is a c–ksucker. Guess she’s uninvited to Juicy. Besides, Whitney doesn’t need the Queen of the Internets’ approval to feel good about herself.

Happiness is a new headband.

Everyone is getting ready to get Juicy-fied. Sajdah can’t wait to meet Whitney because she’s an unabashed fan of the show and says, “That’s why I moved here.” That is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And I live in West Hollywood.

Romi is going solo because Kelsey can’t go to a club and not drink. Instead, she’ll going with Drew to an AA meeting. Drew dispenses some recovery wisdom to Kelsey: “If you have one foot in the future and one foot in the past, you’ll piss all over today.”

Of course, she has no idea what the eff he’s talking about. “Wait, what?” she says lethargically as she stares at his sneakers. Never mind, Ginger, just get your jacket.

At Juicy, it’s just Whitney and 700 of her closest friends. She explains that this is pretty much her job now, being “famous.” Everyone who’s anyone is there – that is to say everyone who was at PYT. And Haute. And the Abbey last Sunday.

Sajdah finally meets her celesbian idol, Whitney, and practically asks for her autograph. Calm down.
While Francine hits it off with a new friend, Alyssa makes the rounds and Sara shows up, ready to climb into her go-go cage and do what she loves most: humping the air in her underwear and hoping people are watching her.

While all that is going on, Cori and Kacy are running late because Little Miss Non-Smoker is freaking out on a nic-fit and in search of one of those fake water vapor cigarettes. Also, Kacy is carrying a purse?

I am so confused right now.

After six hours without her smokes, Cori is really cranky. She wants to punch her hypnotist in the nose. She tells Kacy to stop interrupting her while she’s ranting. When she discovers that her cell phone is missing, she has a meltdown. Kacy gently offers, “It’s just a phone,” because she clearly has some sort of death wish.

Cori: F–k me!

Kacy: Baby, it’s OK.

Cori: Just let me have a moment, I need a moment, I’m not good.

Kacy stands by while Cori has a cry in the car. After she calms down, Kacy drives her around, backtracking until they find it at a convenience store. Saint Kacy says, “You are the luckiest girl in the entire world.” I think Cori already knows that.

As they make their way to Juicy, Romi is already there, drinking a non-alcoholic beer and getting weird texts from her creep-o friend, Drew. Now he wants to take Kelsey home with him and have a sleep-over. Sometimes lesbros need to be reminded there’s a line.

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