Claire’s friend Barbara is still in town and Claire is giving her a taste of LA life, which amounts to an endless stream of parties, events and premieres. You cannot swing a cat in LA without hitting a celebrity on a red carpet.
Tonight is “PYT,” yet another weekly girl party. In their usual reserved cabana, everyone is chillaxing and in a good mood. Rachel is all smiles because Whitney is finally paying attention to her. Whitney’s happy because she had a quickie. Francine joins in and hugs all her friends. And Romi is buzzing on Red Bull, sans vodka, with her loyal nitwit, Kelsey at her side. Kelsey promised Romi that she wouldn’t drink, but Kelsey has problems remembering five minutes ago.
Welcome to Friday night, bitches.
Claire finally arrives and sits down with her fellow cast members. Before she can approach them with her amazing web ideas, an aggressive ladybutch friend of Whitney’s (and one of Rose Garcia‘s henchmen from last season) starts wagging her meaty finger at Claire and yells, “Is that the biggest deb you have ever seen? I know you were the big deb that moved from New York.”
Whitney: A deb is like, I mean, deb didn’t necessarily come from “Debbie Downer” but it’s kinda like what it means. It’s like, “You’re a deb. You’re like wa wa.” You’re like one step off. Is Claire a deb? I’m not gonna lie. She did rub me the wrong way, initially.
Claire tries to play if off, but aggressive ladybutch won’t let it go. Claire’s friend, Mila, tells Claire to ignore her, after ladybutch says she’s “too cool for school” and finally, “You can suck my d–k.”
Oh goodie. Get the popcorn.
Claire: Yeah, you can suck mine, too, you f–king ugly bitch.
Claire: Don’t f–king talk s–t. Stop talking s–t about me, girl. Seriously.
Ladybutch: I will f–k you up!
Claire: You don’t even know me! Dude, you’re so f–king ugly, it’s so sad.
Ladybutch: I’m so ugly? I’m sorry, I got more pussy than you.
Claire: Oh, f–k. You never f–k more pussy than me.
Ladybutch bellows that Claire quit her job to be a deb. Claire brays back at her to get a real life. Everyone else is standing now, not to break it up, but to get a better view. Whitney, Rose, and their friends do absolutely nothing.
As much as I make fun of Claire, she didn’t deserve to get coldcocked this way. If being self-aggrandizing were such an offense, half of Hollywood would be in jail. Everybody get a grip.
Francine notices the fracas and sashays over to see what’s going on. Claire says she’s leaving because she doesn’t apreesh getting “attacked by non-attractive women.” Francine, the Super Asian, announces she’s going to take care of this and goes upstairs to give Claire’s tormentor a roundhouse kick to the ‘nads.
“I fart in your general direction!”
Once she gets there, though, Francine crumbles and gives ladybutch a hug. Later she admits,” My intentions were to go and stand up for her, but I’m like a fricking pansy.” Some Asian you are. Margaret Cho would never stand for that s–t.
Claire’s evening is in the crapper. She wants to run back to New York where the women aren’t “pathetic,” as if this sort of thing never happens west of the Hudson. Please. I saw two lesbians brawling over a girl in the lobby of 30 Rock. You really can’t take us anywhere.
Inexplicably, now everyone’s mad at Claire. On behalf of all LA lesbians, her friend Mila is insulted by the “pathetic” crack. Francine tells Claire to stop projecting her issues on her and gets into her car. Before leaving, Francine yells, “It’s not my fault that people hate you.” Perfect.
No one is having a good night. Romi and Kelsey are home having a heated arguing about drinking when really, they should be fighting over who did this to the closet.