“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 205

 
 

Whitney knows a sure thing when she rubs up against it, so she and Rachel retreat to the bathroom and stink it up with a no-strings-attached quickie.

Oh, there will be strings, my friend. There will be strings.

While Whitney helps Rachel remove vag juice from her skirt, Sajdah is across town, misreading her phony homance with Chanel and showing more desperation than Sean Young at a B movie audition. Sajdah confesses she can’t bear to lose Chanel, not even for a few hours. Furthermore, moving in together wouldn’t be out of the question, even though it’s only been three weeks. Attention passengers: This train wreck is right on schedule and Sajdah is the conductor.

Non-committal Chanel has Sajdah running in circles, but Sajdah is happy because at least they finally had sex. Chanel laughs in her face and corrects her – they did not have sex. The way she sees it, Chanel claims all they did was foreplay.

Sajdah: What the f–k? What am I missing?

Chanel: [Laughs] A lot.

Sajdah: Seriously? Can we please?… Holy s–t. What am I missing? You could have done that to me for the next five years and I would have married you… We need to start having sex.

Chanel: [Unmoved] I can see.

Get off your damn knees, Grovels McGee. You’re making Sara look like the poster child for lesbian dignity.

Sara and Whitney are broken up, but they’ve come together to shoot a flyer for “Juicy,” a girl party that Whitney is hosting. Whitney’s leveraging her “fame” while she can, throwing an event where awestruck girls can spend money on drinks, admire her headband, and smell her hair.

Whitney asked Sara to bring her special brand of nasty to the shoot when they were still getting under each other’s souls. Now, it’s just awkward and weird to have Sara writhing on her as if nothing has happened. Whitney is given a grapefruit and wonders what to do with it, other than smush it into Sara’s face.

In a brilliant piece of subterfuge, Chanel is now insisting that she and Sajdah get HIV tests. It’s brilliant because it stalls the sex for a few more days, and if Sajdah says, “No, that’s dumb,” it makes her look irresponsible, even though she has the sexual history of a teddy bear.

So despite the fact that full-time lesbians have the lowest rate of HIV of any group, excluding nuns and Civil War veterans, there they are, filling out forms and giving blood samples. After Chanel asked for more paper to complete her sexual partners list, she tells the technician in her best Earnest Voice how responsible she’s being.

I don’t care how many rap videos you’ve been in, you cannot get an STD from dry humping.

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