“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 203


Over at Cori and Kacy’s, they’ve invited a few close friends over to announce their sperm purchase, expecting the room to be as super excited as they are. Everyone offers hearty congrats and smiles, but it all has a tinge of insincerity, as these moments always do. Baby mamas are usually too self-involved right about now to realize their no-baby-wanting friends are going to drift away. It was nice knowing you and enjoy the PTA.

Kacy’s sister Nikki arrives and Kacy is glad to see her. She says they’re close because they’re only “22 months apart” as if two years’ difference is something worth expressing in months. Yeah, they’re practically Irish twins. And wasn’t Kacy freaking out over one ovulation like it was the last chopper out of Saigon? Relax! Time is like women. There’s plenty of it when you stop worrying about how much is left.

The topic turns to sperm, of course. Nikki, who’s straight, says she knows just what to do with it: You swallow it. Cori informs her that’s hundreds of dollars down her throat. Dang. With Nikki and a spit cup, Corcy could have gone to Europe, instead. Just saying.

When Kacy and Cori wonder that will happen when their kid can legally contact its donor dad, Cori has trouble imagining it. They agree that maybe they’ll just thank him with an arrangement of fruit and hope for the best. Good plan.

Hey girls. Ever heard of The Kids Are All Right? Rent it.

Across town, Sajdah takes Chanel to the most unromantic sushi restaurant I’ve ever seen for their first “real” date. She’s decided to ask Chanel to be her girlfriend the “old school” way, whatever that means. While sitting alone on metal patio furniture, surrounded by sagging straw window blinds, Sajdah passes Chanel this folded note.

Chanel giggles and gets another surprise when Sajdah gives her a small heart necklace. By “old school,” Sajdah means middle school. Her utter lack of game is almost endearing, but she has got to work on her restaurant picks.

While Whitney sulks alone in her hotel room to avoid Rachel, and Corcy imagines a world with no Father’s Day, ever, and Sajdah and Chanel carve a heart around their names into a tree, Romi is the only one acting and thinking like an adult. Did you feel that? Hell just froze over.

She and Kelsey are at yet another bar, but this time, Romi is nursing a club soda and growing bored. There is nothing more tedious than watching drunk people when you’re stone cold sober. Kelsey is getting sloppy, so they jump in cab and head home. In the cab:

Romi: I’m just in a really weird funk, and then, you getting drunk, and swaying in there and spilling…

Kelsey: Beh, but. That’s…
Romi: I know. That’s you. I’m just saying you’re drunk.

Kelsey: I can do. I can drink a lot.

Romi: You drank a lot tonight. The vodka there, the vodka on the way. Champagne …
Kelsey: Can we have sex?

Well, at least they’re on the same page.

Romi almost scoffs. She says no because Kelsey is s–t faced, again. Since when does that matter? Since she got sober, that’s when. Now it feels wrong and no fun. Kelsey starts to cry, right there in the cab, and sobs “We’re not having sex and I hate it! I hate it!

For the love of god, will someone please f–k Kelsey? It’s like hearing lambs screaming.

When they get home, Kelsey stands by the bed with her arms at her sides and her pants half off, staring at Romi like a zombie in need of a belt. She slurs, “It’s all I have with you, hon” with all the conviction of a phone book recital. Those vacant eyes. That mumbling voice. The catatonic face. She’s giant Zoloft, wearing a tie. Seduction, thy name is Kelsey.

Romi feels so bad, she finally gives in, tampon and all, (Yes! Did you see it? Dear god, my eyes can’t take much more of this show!) and gives Kelsey everything she’s got, and lets her do whatever she wants.

Pity scissoring. Pissoring, if you will.

The next morning, Romi is happy she gave in. She had forgotten how good sex could be. Kelsey is happy, too. I think.
Who can tell?

Whitney is back in LA, but lost. She walks the street until she finds herself at Sara’s, that big ol’ bag of heroin she can’t resist.

They talk about their processes, processing and what processing their processes might look like, if they decide to process together. It’s all very “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

No really. I wish I knew. Help me.

Next week: Whitney meets Cori and Kacy and finds them adorkable. Sajdah and Chanel go to a house party and trash the place, Claire realizes if she wants to work with The Real L Word girls, she might have to, gulp, hang out with them. Rachel finds a great way to get off the show: by OD’ing.

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