Previously: Kelsey was still pestering Romi for sex, but the only wet on her whistle was from the vodka at Haute. Sajdah’s straight friend Marissa got a whiff of lesbian life when she learned how much Sajdah loves the scent of Chanel after only two dates. Cori and Kacy resigned themselves to using a sperm bank, after all their guy friends stopped returning their calls and started covering their balls with both hands.
Thanks to snitches Alyssa and Rachel, Whitney found out that Sara had been texting Hana behind her back. Whitney blew a fuse because secrets and empty promises are her M.O. Nobody likes a copycat. And Claire continues to hang onto Francine and Vivian with a clear conscience because, “both of you know what I’m doing,” as if that makes it all OK.
Oh Claire. Haven’t you heard to old adage? Two wongs don’t make a white.
This week, Corcy has their credit card out, earning extra miles with their $2000 online sperm purchase. It could be cheaper, but they’re paying a premium for a guy who’s agreed in advance he may be contacted when the kid reaches 18. Cori says they’ve never spent two grand on anything, not even themselves. Well, that’s just ridiculous. Go on a blowout vacation, girls! It’s the last treat you’ll be able to give yourselves. Ever.
The morning after Francine and Claire’s emotional argument, Claire acts as if nothing happened and blithely asks Francine for advice on her outfit. When Francine doesn’t come running, Claire whines she’s not helping her. She appears in the kitchen, demanding to know about her pants.
Francine wants to know some things too: Are you going to help clean? (No.) And when are you leaving?
Claire says she hopes to have her own place and be out by Monday. Francine’s face lights up shinier than her kitchen countertops. Just before venturing out to reinvent the world wide interweb, Claire moves in for a hug. She barely notices that Francine has turned sideways, and is giving her a cold pat on the back before shoving her out of the door. Have fun storming the castle.
Elsewhere, Sajdah and Marissa are getting pedicures. If Marissa thought this was the non-gay part of her visit, she was seriously mistaken; Sajdah spends the entire time talking about Chanel. Unable to run because someone is digging sand out from under her toenails, Marissa listens with growing consternation as Sajdah reads one of Chanel’s latest texts:
I just want you to always be excited about us and about me and support me and protect me in my times of need. And I know that I’ll do the same.
Marissa’s mouth is agape. These are not normal convos after four days of dating. Those are wedding vows. She says, “Support me? Protect me? Broad, I don’t even know your favorite color.” Oh Marissa, never, ever leave.
Sajdah looks a tad crestfallen but is totally undeterred. She can’t hear you right now, Marissa. Some excellent booty is calling her name. Marissa kids Sajdah to not get married, but Sajdah reminds her they can’t, even if they wanted to because “it’s fake anyway.” All you couples who had commitment ceremonies are free to ignore Sajdah. She’s young, she’s new, she’s wearing a sideways baseball cap.
Meanwhile, Whitney has had enough of Sara’s alleged douchery and hightails it up to San Francisco for some drama-free fun. Because there’s no drama in San Francisco. Nope. None.
She immediately finds yet another ex, Jaq, who may have once misunderstood their connection and changed her Facebook status to “In a relationship.” It mysteriously disappeared around the same time Whitney did. They don’t talk about it and neither should you.