“The Real L Word” minicap: Episode Three “Bromance”

Back at Rose and Natalie’s, the Valentine’s Day festivities have begun. Natalie gives Rose some fancy flowers as tall as she is.

Rose hands Natalie some roses and says, "Red roses," in case Natalie has suddenly gone blind from the shock of her thoughtfulness.

They get in the car and drive off to the rest of Natalie’s surprise evening. In the car, Natalie tells Rose she just tweeted "Being in love is the best gift ever." Rose tells her to get off her damn phone, warning her, "I’m only going to say it once to you." The second best gift ever? Being scolded like a five-year-old by a woman who thinks being a good party hostess means inviting friends to pull out their t–s.

Stamie’s son, Jagger, would also like to see some breasts. He asks Tracy if she’s going to take off her bra. Instead of doing a logical thing, like, oh, I don’t know, putting on a shirt, she tries to distract him with a balloon. He says, “I wanna see you.” They grow up so fast.

Tracy and Stamie make their Valentine’s Day all about the kids. Stamie’s gift to Tracy is a key to the house. Tracy loves the gesture because it’s a sign of trust. She asks Stamie if she wants a key to her house. Stamie says it’s not necessary because, "I know where you keep your extra."

Rose’s plan is all about mystery. First, she makes Natalie put on a blindfold and then, walk up to and through a hotel with it on. Making her woman look foolish never occurred to Rose before – why change now?

Next, an in-room massage is followed by dinner, wine and some private, romantical conversation. Rose tells the world about Natalie’s breast reduction by asking her on camera why she did it. I’m not sure Natalie wanted viewers to know her medical history, but too late now.

Natalie switches gears and presents Rose with the sexy photos of herself. Rose ogles Natalie’s still ample cleavage and declares she now approves the reduction surgery. Well, good. Those breasts left the station a long time ago, but whatevs. Next, Rose ogles their surroundings and reminds Natalie of the awesomeness that is her credit card.

Rose: This is amazing.
Natalie: This is beyond amazing.
Rose: Like, I would fall in love with myself, if I were you.
Natalie: I’m already in love with you.
Rose: Love has never been an issue for me. My problem is I have a lot of love. I spread it around.

Like herpes.

Then, it’s back to the room, where a path of rose petals leads to the bed. Natalie oohs and aahs and gives Rose a teeth cleaning. OK. The evening may have been a string of old clichés, but Rose did what she could, the only way she knows how.

Back in Weho, Mikey doesn’t want to be home alone, so she goes with Romi and another single friend to the Abbey. Whitney has decided to venture out and meets Mikey for the first time. Instead of crossing swords or butting heads like rutting rams, the two hit it off in the giddiest, weirdest way possible: they’re flirting with each other and Mikey has opened her shirt and invites lip gloss to be applied to her waiting lips. Romi gets pushed aside like a pile of dirty laundry as Mikey embraces her femme side.

Some girls just shouldn’t be left alone on Valentine’s Day.

In the end, Mikey staggers home, very drunk, very alone and missing Raquel. Tracy and Stamie stare at each other and wonder if it’s safe to have sex now. Jill and Nikki are on their thousand dollar pillow-top mattress, giving each other back rubs. And Romi finally gets Whitney alone in bed. Happy Valentine’s Day,


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