“The Real L Word” minicap: Episode Three “Bromance”

It’s Valentine’s Day and love is in the air. For some of our LA ladies, love smells like the sweet scent of flowers and candy. For others, it’s a whiff of money. One will be intoxicated by champagne and cigarette breath, while another will enjoy a romantic snoot full of dirty diaper. Welcome to The Real Smell Word. Get excited.

Nikki and Jill both think highly of Valentine’s Day because they’re in love and mushy like that. Tracy says her Valentine’s Days with women are more memorable but doesn’t say compared to what. Maybe she doesn’t remember.

Whitney reports it’s great if she’s dating someone, but chocolate can go f— itself if she’s single. Mikey is all business and takes the cynical approach – Valentine’s Day is a holiday contrived by greeting card companies to suck money out of us. And natch, Rose brags she’s had three or four girls on Valentine’s Day. That’s how she used to roll, bitches. We’re all so jealous of her inescapable animal magnetism; I don’t know how we go on living.

Remember that huge fight Rose and Natalie had last week? The one where Rose called Natalie a lame ass for wanting a crumb of respect, and then suggested she find somewhere else to live? Remember? Well, they don’t. It’s the next morning and all is hunky-dory at Chez Chugs ‘n’ Jugs.

Rose has no remorse because she "wasn’t even doing anything" except having a good time, dude. Natalie is also happy to forgive and forget the "little things," like being humiliated in her own house. Behind the braying insults and constant self-aggrandizing, Rose is “cute” when she’s acting "like a kid." Theirs is a relationship built on a mutual admiration. For Rose.

While Rose and Natalie play Name That Delusion over a huge, artery-clogging breakfast, Jill leaves Nikki at home to go shopping with Mr. Wonderful, Derek. Jill lets him drive her car to the store, where she giggles and defers to his judgment while picking out a Flip camera for Nikki’s Valentine’s Day gift. Electronics are so confusing! And driving a car is so tricky! They rush home so she can don an apron and fetch Derek’s slippers.

Mikey is playing tennis with her friend, Lisa. While they volley, Mikey mentions that Raquel has to work all weekend, (again) so she’ll be alone on Valentine’s Day. Aw.

Mikey deadpans, "It’s hard for me to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me, or my schedule." Don’t worry, honey. Rose can explain it to you.

For her gift to Jill, Nikki has chosen dance lessons for both of them. They’ll need to learn how to dance at their wedding anyway, so it’s fun and practical. Good thing Nikki’s mother owns that dance studio in Weho, the one sandwiched between a men’s bar called the Mother Lode and a sex toy shop, and a few doors down from a celebrity milkshake joint that Lindsay Lohan frequents. It doesn’t get any gayer than that, people.

Nikki gets a sample dance lesson from a David Hyde Pierce look-alike.

OK, it just got gayer. My mistake.

Over at Stamie’s house, Tracy is trying to eat salad and hold a grown-up conversation. She’d like to talk about her life and "download" with her girlfriend, but it’s not easy when there’s a toddler squirming in her lap. Stamie says they’ll spend Valentine’s Day with the kids, because that’s what they both want. Uh huh.

To add to the happy chaos, Tracy has brought her dogs over. They’re the blended family for the new millennium. Too bad Stamie doesn’t find dogs on the same par as real children. At least dogs will never yell, "I hate you!" just because you won’t let them get a tattoo, and will never ask for $40,000 for art school.

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