“The Real L Word” mini-cap: Episode Five “Free Pass”


Up in San Francisco, it’s after 10:30PM and "Flourish" is underway. Whitney is checking out the scene, and checking out Sara, who’s go-go dancing in a lace onesie with no bra. That’s normal. A friend joins Sara up in her perch and starts dancing with her. And by "dancing," of course, I mean this.

Whenever lesbians start dancing, it eventually involves humping each other’s asses. It’s the dance craze that’s sweeping the nation. Why? Lesbians are too busy processing to learn how to pop and lock.

While Rose gives Natalie the silent treatment, even after they get home, Whitney’s night is just starting to heat up. Watching Sara’s many local admirers tuck singles into her cleavage and chat her up all night only makes Whitney want her more. Romi could explain that feeling to Whitney, but she’s back in LA, comparing notes with Tor.

Sara and Whitney go back to the hotel for some play time, and not a moment too soon. Whitney’s period is going to start in ten minutes, and Sara needs to be reminded of all that chemistry they supposedly have. Even though the room is full of friends waiting to go out to eat, Whitney and Sara jump in the shower together.

Well, that’s really clean now.

Mikey needs to raise $20,000 for a tent big enough for all the fashion egos in LA. Has she tried Sunglass Hut? While Mikey works the phones, Tracy is home with her own fashion emergency – she needs something to wear for a lesbian magazine shoot. Stamie reminds her to bring underwear and a strap-on. She’s helpful like that.

Next, Tracy calls her mother to say she has the flu. What? Eh, who needs continuity when you have eyes like pools of melting chocolate. Tracy tries to broach the subject that dare not speak its name by blaming Stamie’s kids for her flu. Tracy’s mom dodges the name dropping and tells Tracy to drink water and take a nap. Guess she won’t be playing “Mafia Wars” with Stamie any time soon.

Nikki doesn’t have any problems with her mother. Moms Gucci, Nikki, and Jill all schlep to a store that carries the designer of those $12,000 dresses they love so much. Jill goes into the dressing room with Nikki – one of the benefits of being lesbians – and watches her put on her dream dress. She’s not supposed to see Nikki in her wedding dress yet. I’m pretty sure that rule is universal, but what do I know? For the longest time, I thought DOMA was a new LA restaurant.

At $3,200, each, they’re a steal compared to the "exhor-horrrr-bitant" quotes that Jill could not stomach. Nikki is sold on her dress, but Jill isn’t feeling it anymore. "I want it to feel right. Inside, I just really want to feel it," she says. Jill puts more thought into a dress she’ll wear once than Natalie puts into her life.

Back in San Francisco, Whitney, Sara, Scarlett and a few others are having dinner, talking about their babydyke days. One friend remembers making gifts for girls, but didn’t know why at first. Whitney says she used to tell girls they were just practicing for boys. Already with the misdirection, Whitney?

Sara says she used to play Truth or Dare with her friends, and they "dared" each other perform oral on one another. At some point, someone named Pamela sprouted three pubic hairs and no one would play with her anymore. Children can be so cruel..

Later, Sara says she can hook-up without getting all lesbian about it.

Sara: I’m saying I can have unemotional, unattached sex with someone. Irregardless if it’s unattached, I’m still super intense and passionate. So, it’s still intense and passionate. But it’s just in the moment. The next day, it’s like, you know, it was an intense moment of the time, but now I’m done and I’m over it. OK, good-bye.

It’s an intense moment of the time for Whitney, whose face fills with recognition and a new insecurity. Hearing her own spiel coming back to her is so unsettling, she doesn’t even notice Sara’s dubious command of the English language. Whitney knows she’s done similar things to girls in the past, but she hopes "it wasn’t done to me." Somewhere, Alyssa is laughing her ass off.

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