“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.7): Teresa’s Great Leap Forward

Team Building Ballroom

Steve the team building professional arrives with his turtle-necked partner. They are chipper nerds and the gang is not impressed, because the gang does not respect anyone that boring looking. Steve tells the class about his illustrious 15 year career in the respected field of team building. “I actually just got back from The Middle East,” Steve says. “Boy do they need help there.” Astute insight, Steve. If there’s anyone who can fix the whole Palestine/Israel rift, it’s Steve the team building professional. No one asks where in the middle east Steve was mending fences, and Steve does not clarify. The Middle East is basically the same, obvi. Like Canada.

Exercise 1: The gang must all stand on three colored squares within a circle on the floor. This is difficult because there are more than three people. They must get really close, and voila the years of backstabbing dysfunction melts away like a New Jersey snowfall. “I’m the best” Joe Grotesque crows with excitement at discovering a new skill.


Melissa: I think Joe Giudice is so into these games because his brain can understand the content of what we’re doing.

Snap! +6 Melissa. She may not be brilliant, but she can do bitchy quite well.

Exercise 2: The gang pair off (except Rosie, the lesbian spinster, who must go in threesies) and play thumb war. After a brief scuffle, Steve reveals that because he refers to them as partners, not competitors. So meaningful. Actually I have no idea what he means. Steve’s psychological manipulation is beyond my comprehension. -7 points to Steve the team building expert, for outwitting me yet again.

Steve begins a discussion on loyalty and all hell breaks loose. Teresa rants about Jacqueline, who betrayed her by revealing her plot to frame Melissa as a stripper. “I DARED HER TO COME,” Teresa yells, momentarily forgetting that all she wants is for Jacqueline to leave her alone. Everyone starts shouting in a shockingly synchronized fashion while Steve bleats, “Guys…” helplessly. Melissa throws herself at Teresa’s feet dramatically, pleading, “Stop hurting us. I forgive you.”


Teresa has done nothing to be forgiven, ever, so Melissa’s begging just infuriates her. “I have no pride,” moans Saint Melissa. “You are the queen. Let me kiss your ring.” A brilliant move for Melissa. By humbling herself in the most dramatic of fashions, she effectively puts Teresa in the position of making peace or looking the an unforgiving, emotionally crippled alligator. Teresa knows this, and can’t accept Melissa’s overblown apology; Teresa will never accept it, and grabs onto anything to sustain a battle and make Melissa the villain. “She wants to move her kids,” Teresa shouts, knowing the fault is irrelevant but willing to say anything. Storming away, Melissa calls “I am a Gorga. My name is Melissa Gorga.” And just like that, the scene fades to black.

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