“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.7): Teresa’s Great Leap Forward

Jacqueline’s House

Jacqueline and Chris aren’t going on the Haunted Stress Relief Retreat because they have real shit going on, and Jacqueline doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with Teresa’s misplaced anger. Their young son Nick is autistic, and Jacqueline is trying every possible option to help him live a normal life.

Haunted Stress Relief Mansion

Rosie, Kathy, and Melissa arrive with their respective spouses in tow. Except for Rosie, the lonely lesbian spinster. Poor thing. She probably never gets to meet gays, not hanging around this lot. Melissa compares Teresa to witch within second of arriving, proving that mediocre minds really do think alike. The gang grunts in greeting and Teresa is perplexed to discover than Caroline and Jacqueline, who are not her friends, chose not to participate in Teresa’s Great Leap Forward.

“Jacqueline is having trouble with Nick so she decided to stay,” placates Kathy.

“Really?!” shrieks Teresa “She was having trouble with Nick?! That’s funny because two days ago she was calling me a moron on Twitter.” Technically Jacqueline did not call Teresa a moron; she said something about “Not being able to reason with morons,” which was obviously about Teresa. Teresa, a moron, cannot see how taking care of an autistic son is unrelated to Twitter. To Teresa, all roads lead to Teresa; Teresa is all Teresa can think about, and she is forever baffled when others fail to share her interest. Teresa continues to confront the rest of her enemies/family about failing to confront Jacqueline, Teresa’s other enemy over the tweet. She is a saint, she is Mao, she is the leader, and this is her Great Leap Forward.

Kathy’s Room

Rosie, Kathy, and Rich the gremlin discuss Teresa’s ill-conceived anger at Jacqueline’s tweet. Rich refers to himself in the third person.

Teresa’s Room

Teresa: I think Jacqueline is out to hurt me. Leave me the hell alone.

Joe Grotesque: She keeps spouting about this poor little kid as an excuse. A lot of people have autism. It’s not really that bad of a disease. Some of them are like scientists.

UGH AWFUL WORST. Teresa corrects him, saying Joe doesn’t know what he’s talking about (but when does he ever). Teresa rarely contradicts Joe, but I doubt she’s speaking up out of genuine compassion or awareness; rather, Teresa is a TV veteran who knows that you do not talk shit about autism and get away with it. I’d bet anything we’ll see this comment brought up at the reunion.”I know my husband,” Teresa blathers. “And he does not have a mean bone in his body.” Joe Giudice, who referred to his husband as a cunt on national TV when he thought no one was watching. This hints at the deep level of delusion in Teresa. She’s lying, and she knows she’s lying, but she thinks the audience won’t notice. The Giudice’s are stupid people utterly convinced of the stupidity of others.

Lunch In Dining Room

Day one is team building exercises; tomorrow Dr. V/Va-Jay Jay the relationship expert with come to aid communication and fix broken family links. I am super stoked to see the RHONJ and co play team building exercises. Team building exercises are the absolute worst, and if there was ever a group of not-team players it’s The Real Housewives. Of anywhere.

Rosie talks remorsefully of her hot-headed tendencies aka SCREAMING IN PUBLIC ALL THE TIME. Rosie has grown a lot in the last few weeks, since exchanging bellows with Teresa in a crowded restaurant. Rosie, attired in her signature newsboy cap, is so zen. God I hate Rosie’s hats.

lunch

The topic turns to fighting, and Teresa already knows how the troubles between her and her brother begun.

Teresa: We never fight. We only fight because you [Melissa] and I don’t get along.

Melissa: You didn’t just fight and throw water at the gym?

Zing! +4 Melissa.

Teresa: It got to this point because of you and me.

Joe Gorga: No. That’s wrong.

That shuts Teresa down. The group bicker mildly until Joe Grotesque steps in with his signature charm. “Did you hear those farts I was doing upstairs?” Joe the Flatulent gurgles. “I tried to make them as loud as possible so you guys could hear it.” Odious Joe sniggers. Everyone else winces.

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