“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.7): Teresa’s Great Leap Forward

 
 

Kathy’s House

Poor Kathy. All she wants is to be liked, but Teresa won’t give her the time of day and Rich, her husband, is too convinced of his own wit to notice people are flinching. The gang trickle in adorned in bags of pink leopard and newsboy caps. Their long, black SUVs are only slightly less enormous than the RV set to transport the Gorga and Wakile family.

greeting

“I like the hat,” Joe Gorga tells RoRo, who is never seen without a newsboy cap. Joe Gorga knows Newsies is due for a revival. +1 to Joe.  Topic moves to the inevitable: Teresa. “Teresa has never admitted any wrongdoing. I don’t think she even knows how to spell ‘retreat.’”

Zing! But not really. “Someone can’t even spell [whatever word] jokes are very done, and “retreat” is not a hard word to spell, even for a moron.” -2 points for Rich.

RV

Rich: Why are we even going up there?

Kathy: For progress!

Yes, Kathy, progress. Progress in the sense that Mao’s Great Leap Forward was progress, and with about as much likelihood of success. Progress, chirps Kathy, wide eyed with dreams of of equality for all big and small in the glorious People’s Republic Of New Jersey.

Rosie: The only way to fix it is for outsiders to come through.

Rosie is feeling helpful because a few episodes back Teresa and RoRo got wasted, bellowed at each other in a crowded restaurant, and then felt connected once more. Roro continues, saying Teresa knows a relationship expert named Dr. V who would come to retreat and help the family communicate below foghorn levels. Nothing says “in possession of a legitimate degree” like going by a single initial. All the better to avoid pesky background checks.

“Is Dr. V for Dr. Va-Jay-Jay,” Melissa shrieks, and the RV breaks into self-satisfied titters. Va-Jay-Jay is funny because Rosie is a lesbian, you see, so she likes vagina. Clever. -5 for Melissa.

Teresa’s Enormous SUV

Teresa rants about Jacqueline, who she blames for destroying her relationship with her loving brother and close confidant Melissa. “She’s a whack job” sputters Joe Grotesque. “She texted me saying I shouldn’t let the fighting between you affect my relationship with Chris.” Joe is enraged, like a territorial hippo. How dare Jacqueline try not to let her fractured relationship with Teresa damage the friendship between their husbands. The bish.

Haunted Stress Relief Mansion

High upon New Jersey’s rocky slopes sits a building of ash grey stone, surrounded by weatherbeaten cherub statues and the muffled moans of horrors past. It is here, where so many have trod before, that Teresa’s Great Leap Forward will begin, with a coven of housewives and a malicious grin. Legit the place is creepy. Black fence trimmed with spikes, walls that fade into fog, nestled among hillside slopes encased in snow, all the better for an errant foe to slip in.

“The castle is beautiful, so ornate,” Teresa says. To Teresa, hell is minimalism. “I just hope there are no ghosts because there’s a witch coming. Maybe they’ll get along.” A great wit, that Teresa. -1 point.

Lambert Castle

If one set of housewives visit a “castle,” Caroline must visit a “castle.” Let’s get something straight: Castles are old. Castles house royalty. Castles have history past 1994. Castles do not live in New Jersey. You can’t put lipstick on a pig, and you can’t dub a New Jersey McMansion “castle.” Caroline and hubbie discuss their usual topics. Caroline is not going on the Haunted Stress Relief Retreat because bitches be crazy and she’s learned to leave that family saga alone. Caroline’s husband reveals that he was very attached to his father, and Caroline wants hubby to work less. Gripping stuff.

caroline1

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