Melissa wrote a book because who shouldn’t write a book?! She’s got a crew over to shoot a chic and sexy book cover for what she calls “a Bible for marriages.” She wears a surprisingly tasteful outfit, a black leather pencil skirt and ivory chiffon blouse. Melissa preens in the spotlight and urges the crew to blow fake wind as hard as humanly possible. She knows real authors have that windblown look.
Joe G is oiled up, orange, and ready for his big day. His body is good in a pumped up sort of way. He’s cute and a little dumb like a labrador, a ditzy chocolate lab that loves attention. Joe used to strip so he’s incredibly comfortable selling things in a speedo. I think Joe was probably born to be a freeway billboard model for tanning salons so it’s nice to see him reaching new heights in self actualization.
Rosie, Kathy, Rich, Melissa, and Joe G go to a gay bar to help lesbian spinster Rosie meet a nice girl.
Rich: What’s the name of the bar, The Clam Hop?
Rich is the worst, a vile, oily little cretin who can’t talk about lesbians without being crude or demeaning. He’s always gross but when the topic turns to lesbians he becomes that idiotic, creepy straight guy we all know and loathe. Rich is why straight should not be allowed in on lesbian nights. In a stroke of sheer genius that I wish happened in LA bars, patrons select wrist bands indicating their relationship status at the door. You can pick single, taken, DTF, or “its complicated” (so lesbian). Will someone please be Rosie’s friend so she doesn’t have to trudge around with this lot? Please?
“At this point I am not DTF. I am a good girl with a little bad girl in me,” says Bad Girl RoRo with a cackle. First, the gang corners two pretty young things and ask if they’re lesbians. “We’re half lesbians. I’m bi.” says one. “SEE YA,” Bad Girl Ro Ro bellows, turning around and saying “I don’t go for bisexuals.” Second, the gang talks to a boring looking straight couple. They’re “looking for a third.” Ugh. Bored straight couples need to find their own bar and stop coming to gay bars like we want them. Dear straight couples, no lesbian wants to be your third. Not only are we not attracted to men but most of us are not into group sex or people in relationships. Plus, like this couple, swingers tend to be boring couples with all the sex appeal of a dishrag. Stop annoying us, losers. You can never sit with me. “Oh My God Swingers!” Melissa shrieks, thrilled at her own edginess at meeting some.
Rosie: What the fuck? They’re either too young, bisexual, or fucking swingers. I only swing one way and that’s with women.
LOLZ preach girl. +15 to Rosie for speaking truth. Wretched Richie summons Rosie over to two lesbians he has cornered. If someone who looked or talked like Rich cornered me at a gay bar and asked me about my sexuality, I’d smack that bitch down.
Rich: I always tell Rosie I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.
Worst. Isn’t that one of the most annoying things straight dudes say? It’s delusional, condescending, and creepy all at once. If a guy says that to you, please shut them down because it’s beyond obnoxious.
Rosie zooms in on a lesbian named Ellen and proceeds to drink Patron and ramble with varying degrees of coherency. Oy. This is going to be painful. After monologuing about a range of topics that I couldn’t quite catch, Rosie tells Ellen how smitten she is and Ellen purses her lips with polite anguish. Ellen gets up and makes purposeful moves toward the door while Rosie, looking plaintive, tries to salvage a connection.
Ellen: Yeah, no, I gotta go.
Rosie: Why you gotta go now?
Ellen: I’ll call you.
She won’t call.
Rosie: I dipped my toe in the water. Maybe she’ll call, maybe she won’t.
Caroline visits Chris and Jacqueline to discuss Jacqueline’s impending meeting/duel with Teresa. They talk shit about Teresa for a while, sounding finally bored with all the chaos. Jacqueline has this amazing King Charles puppy that flops around, happily eating. He is the most interesting one at this party. “You come at me with your BS and lies and I’m going to come at with with a cannonball of truth.” Aw. Jacqueline put some thought into that one. I love when RH make up metaphors.
On a darkened New Jersey night, Teresa and Jacqueline meet for a dance of swords and wit that can only end in sorrow or triumph. Chris and Juicy J come along to for their own husband peace talks. The wives are seated in the dining room when their husbands retire to the gentlemen’s parlor for brandy, cigars, and spry philosophical debate. It’s very Downton Abbey.
Chris and Juicy J used to be BFFs but wife drama and casual spite got in the way of all that. Currently, Chris is mad at Juicy J because Juicy J told a mutual acquaintance that Chris was “shady.” When Chris confronted Juicy J in Napa, Juicy J responded “Shady motherfucker you are” which is highly absurd coming from Juicy J, who is hella shady and been arrested/sued more times than anyone. Recently, the Giudice’s both got in a world of trouble and might face jail time. When Chris brings the ill-fated insult up, Juicy Jabba J gurgles “I don’t remember” and picks his teeth. This is enough of an apology for Chris and the two men resolve to put their differences behind them and start afresh.
Teresa: I ["YOU" SHE MEANS] would ["SHOULD" SHE MEANS] feel so guilty if I broke up a brother and sister.
Jacqueline: I don’t feel like I broke you two up. You had differences before and according to your brother and family, that’s not why you didn’t talk to them for over a year.
Logic is wasted on Teresa, as it always is. Teresa tells Jacqueline to apologize for telling people Juicy J cheated on Teresa. Teresa rarely apologizes but demands almost constant apology for any who dare cross her path. Jacqueline tells Teresa that someone (not her, obvi) said Teresa was a sociopath. “I’m not a sociopath,” shrieks Teresa “you’re the one who goes on Twitter rampages.” I don’t think either of them know what a sociopath is. “I’m an impulsive tweeter” Jacqueline acknowledges. Everyone, even the people who like Jacqueline, seems to find Jacqueline’s tweeting intense so God knows what she’s up to that Twitter is such an issue. “Here’s the thing…” Teresa says with a sociopathic grin “There’s evil people out there and I think you’re one of them.” Jacqueline’s eyes go wide with repressed fury, but she maintains composure and laughs in Teresa’s face. “I’m not evil” Jacqueline says. Jacqueline does not appear to be evil. I agree with that statement. “Behind the scenes you go after people.” She talks about how Jacqueline turned on Danielle (with Teresa) and Dina. “When you were done being friends with them you want to bury them.” Could it be? Could Jacqueline be a backstage schemer out to make, then break, friends at whim? Who is Jacqueline really? A ninja? A spy? The Devil herself wreaking havoc upon the land? This meeting of minds might truly be a dance with the Devil, but which dancer is the Devil?