“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.10): Rosie’s Night Out

Construction Site

Adorned in glossy puffers the Gorgas mill about Joe’s latest construction project, a dreary red brick monstrosity that will make an excellent asylum for the criminally insane or even a nice hospice. Giddy with glee, Joe tells Melissa that a local joint by the name of ‘Sizzle Tans’ has asked him to model for a freeway billboard. Melissa declines to join him on the billboard because Teresa did a (strikingly low budget) commercial for Sizzle Tans before. Teresa likes to imply that Melissa somehow copies her so Melissa doesn’t want to give her beloved familial nemesis any new ammo. Melissa hops in a forklift and spins around in what must be the New Jersey form of muddin.’ Looks like a good time actually.

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Teresa’s House

Gabby, with her sensible bob and soccer jersey, is my pick for inheritor of the lesbian gene. For the first time in over a year the Giudices are having the Gorga’s over for a Sunday family dinner and Teresa anxiously preps. The haunted stress relief retreat helped!

Jacqueline’s House

Caroline and Melissa huddle with Jacqueline on leather couches and fill her in on the retreat. When Melissa tells her that she and Teresa resolved their issues (at least on the outside, where it really matters) Jacqueline looks disappointed. Teresa spent part of the retreat playing victim to Jacqueline’s tweet and the feeling of betrayal is mutual. There’s no deeper hate than the hate we feel towards a friend who betrayed us. That shiz will eat Jacqueline up if she’s not careful. Caroline tells Jacqueline that during trust falls she made Teresa promise to call Jacqueline up and make peace.

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Caroline: Jacqueline says she’s over Teresa… That’s partly true. But you never know what little thing might set her off. Jacqueline is a ticking time bomb right now, and for her sanity she needs closure. Because she cannot give the best of herself to Nicolas when she’s thinking about Teresa.

Caroline is very wise sometimes.

Teresa’s House

Melissa is wearing a forest green coat because this is into the woods part deux and Teresa does resemble a big bad wolf. Joe Gorga wants to be closer to his goddaughter Gia who he hasn’t seen in over a year. Teresa and Melissa exchange veiled barbs like real sister in laws. Joe tells Teresa about his new gig as a billboard model for Sizzle Tans. She is happy to see baby bro follow in her melanoma shilling footsteps.

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Melissa tells Teresa about her visit with Jacqueline. When she says that Caroline told Jacqueline about Teresa’s trust fall promise of peace a strange wind shakes the shutters, a wind of false promise and impending demise. Teresa executes a maneuver called “forgiving attack,” a subtle tactic seen in Real Housewives across the nation. A forgiving attack is when a RH claims empathy and forgiveness while taking the opportunity to recap all the great wrongs a foe has done upon them. Teresa literally refers to herself as “Jacqueline’s Third Victim,” the first two being Dina and Danielle. I vote Teresa “least likely to be a victim of anything, ever.” That bitch bad and not in the cute way. Juicy J, continuing his surprise streak of sensibility, shu’s Teresa’s whining down with “I can’t listen to this anymore, I’m tired of the crap.” Juicy J is the one person alive who can get Teresa to stop bitching. For that alone he earns a small but necessary place in the ecosystem, like a mosquito.

Little Town NJ

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Little Town NJ is golden boy Albie and sort of meh boy Chris’s new restaurant. Their parents really, REALLY want them to be successful and since the Manzo boys are incapable or unwilling to be employed by anyone else, they have started a weird black water business or something and are now opening a restaurant. The idea is if you throw enough money and people they gotta manage something functional eventually. Right?

Kathy’s House

Kathy and RoRo go deep because Kathy doesn’t want anything to get between siblings the way it has with the Gorgas and Giudices. She voices her ardent support of RoRo’s homosexuality and RoRo is like “cool ok.”

Lesbian Spinster Rosie: I’m 45 years old and very alone. I feel like I’m going through this life with no one by my side. When is it going to happen for me?

Sad face. Can we start doing eligible bachelorettes for AfterEllen? Rosie can be the first. Every dyke, even ones that wear pageboy caps, deserve love. “I need to have fun,” Rosie says. Rosie, you have plenty of fun. What you need is to ditch the crazy straight people and get a goddamn makeover. Rosie either dresses like an aging Italian stereotype or a golden girl. The oldest Golden Girl. Even sans hat she looks a hot mess.

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