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“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.10): Rosie’s Night Out

Construction Site

Adorned in glossy puffers the Gorgas mill about Joe’s latest construction project, a dreary red brick monstrosity that will make an excellent asylum for the criminally insane or even a nice hospice. Giddy with glee, Joe tells Melissa that a local joint by the name of ‘Sizzle Tans’ has asked him to model for a freeway billboard. Melissa declines to join him on the billboard because Teresa did a (strikingly low budget) commercial for Sizzle Tans before. Teresa likes to imply that Melissa somehow copies her so Melissa doesn’t want to give her beloved familial nemesis any new ammo. Melissa hops in a forklift and spins around in what must be the New Jersey form of muddin.’ Looks like a good time actually. Teresa’s House

Gabby, with her sensible bob and soccer jersey, is my pick for inheritor of the lesbian gene. For the first time in over a year the Giudices are having the Gorga’s over for a Sunday family dinner and Teresa anxiously preps. The haunted stress relief retreat helped!

Jacqueline’s House

Caroline and Melissa huddle with Jacqueline on leather couches and fill her in on the retreat. When Melissa tells her that she and Teresa resolved their issues (at least on the outside, where it really matters) Jacqueline looks disappointed. Teresa spent part of the retreat playing victim to Jacqueline’s tweet and the feeling of betrayal is mutual. There’s no deeper hate than the hate we feel towards a friend who betrayed us. That shiz will eat Jacqueline up if she’s not careful. Caroline tells Jacqueline that during trust falls she made Teresa promise to call Jacqueline up and make peace.

Caroline: Jacqueline says she’s over Teresa… That’s partly true. But you never know what little thing might set her off. Jacqueline is a ticking time bomb right now, and for her sanity she needs closure. Because she cannot give the best of herself to Nicolas when she’s thinking about Teresa.
Caroline is very wise sometimes.

Teresa’s House

Melissa is wearing a forest green coat because this is into the woods part deux and Teresa does resemble a big bad wolf. Joe Gorga wants to be closer to his goddaughter Gia who he hasn’t seen in over a year. Teresa and Melissa exchange veiled barbs like real sister in laws. Joe tells Teresa about his new gig as a billboard model for Sizzle Tans. She is happy to see baby bro follow in her melanoma shilling footsteps. Melissa tells Teresa about her visit with Jacqueline. When she says that Caroline told Jacqueline about Teresa’s trust fall promise of peace a strange wind shakes the shutters, a wind of false promise and impending demise. Teresa executes a maneuver called “forgiving attack,” a subtle tactic seen in Real Housewives across the nation. A forgiving attack is when a RH claims empathy and forgiveness while taking the opportunity to recap all the great wrongs a foe has done upon them. Teresa literally refers to herself as “Jacqueline’s Third Victim,” the first two being Dina and Danielle. I vote Teresa “least likely to be a victim of anything, ever.” That bitch bad and not in the cute way. Juicy J, continuing his surprise streak of sensibility, shu’s Teresa’s whining down with “I can’t listen to this anymore, I’m tired of the crap.” Juicy J is the one person alive who can get Teresa to stop bitching. For that alone he earns a small but necessary place in the ecosystem, like a mosquito.

Little Town NJ Little Town NJ is golden boy Albie and sort of meh boy Chris’s new restaurant. Their parents really, REALLY want them to be successful and since the Manzo boys are incapable or unwilling to be employed by anyone else, they have started a weird black water business or something and are now opening a restaurant. The idea is if you throw enough money and people they gotta manage something functional eventually. Right?

Kathy’s House

Kathy and RoRo go deep because Kathy doesn’t want anything to get between siblings the way it has with the Gorgas and Giudices. She voices her ardent support of RoRo’s homosexuality and RoRo is like “cool ok.”

Lesbian Spinster Rosie: I’m 45 years old and very alone. I feel like I’m going through this life with no one by my side. When is it going to happen for me?
Sad face. Can we start doing eligible bachelorettes for AfterEllen? Rosie can be the first. Every dyke, even ones that wear pageboy caps, deserve love. “I need to have fun,” Rosie says. Rosie, you have plenty of fun. What you need is to ditch the crazy straight people and get a goddamn makeover. Rosie either dresses like an aging Italian stereotype or a golden girl. The oldest Golden Girl. Even sans hat she looks a hot mess.

Melissa’s House

Melissa wrote a book because who shouldn’t write a book?! She’s got a crew over to shoot a chic and sexy book cover for what she calls “a Bible for marriages.” She wears a surprisingly tasteful outfit, a black leather pencil skirt and ivory chiffon blouse. Melissa preens in the spotlight and urges the crew to blow fake wind as hard as humanly possible. She knows real authors have that windblown look.

SIZZLE TANS

Joe G is oiled up, orange, and ready for his big day. His body is good in a pumped up sort of way. He’s cute and a little dumb like a labrador, a ditzy chocolate lab that loves attention. Joe used to strip so he’s incredibly comfortable selling things in a speedo. I think Joe was probably born to be a freeway billboard model for tanning salons so it’s nice to see him reaching new heights in self actualization.

Lesbian Bar

Rosie, Kathy, Rich, Melissa, and Joe G go to a gay bar to help lesbian spinster Rosie meet a nice girl.

Rich: What’s the name of the bar, The Clam Hop?
Rich is the worst, a vile, oily little cretin who can’t talk about lesbians without being crude or demeaning. He’s always gross but when the topic turns to lesbians he becomes that idiotic, creepy straight guy we all know and loathe. Rich is why straight should not be allowed in on lesbian nights. In a stroke of sheer genius that I wish happened in LA bars, patrons select wrist bands indicating their relationship status at the door. You can pick single, taken, DTF, or “its complicated” (so lesbian). Will someone please be Rosie’s friend so she doesn’t have to trudge around with this lot? Please?

“At this point I am not DTF. I am a good girl with a little bad girl in me,” says Bad Girl RoRo with a cackle. First, the gang corners two pretty young things and ask if they’re lesbians. “We’re half lesbians. I’m bi.” says one. “SEE YA,” Bad Girl Ro Ro bellows, turning around and saying “I don’t go for bisexuals.” Second, the gang talks to a boring looking straight couple. They’re “looking for a third.” Ugh. Bored straight couples need to find their own bar and stop coming to gay bars like we want them. Dear straight couples, no lesbian wants to be your third. Not only are we not attracted to men but most of us are not into group sex or people in relationships. Plus, like this couple, swingers tend to be boring couples with all the sex appeal of a dishrag. Stop annoying us, losers. You can never sit with me. “Oh My God Swingers!” Melissa shrieks, thrilled at her own edginess at meeting some.

Rosie: What the fuck? They’re either too young, bisexual, or fucking swingers. I only swing one way and that’s with women.
LOLZ preach girl. +15 to Rosie for speaking truth. Wretched Richie summons Rosie over to two lesbians he has cornered. If someone who looked or talked like Rich cornered me at a gay bar and asked me about my sexuality, I’d smack that bitch down.
Rich: I always tell Rosie I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.
Worst. Isn’t that one of the most annoying things straight dudes say? It’s delusional, condescending, and creepy all at once. If a guy says that to you, please shut them down because it’s beyond obnoxious. Rosie zooms in on a lesbian named Ellen and proceeds to drink Patron and ramble with varying degrees of coherency. Oy. This is going to be painful. After monologuing about a range of topics that I couldn’t quite catch, Rosie tells Ellen how smitten she is and Ellen purses her lips with polite anguish. Ellen gets up and makes purposeful moves toward the door while Rosie, looking plaintive, tries to salvage a connection.
Ellen: Yeah, no, I gotta go. Rosie: Why you gotta go now? Ellen: I’ll call you.
She won’t call.
Rosie: I dipped my toe in the water. Maybe she’ll call, maybe she won’t.
She won’t. Jacqueline’s House

Caroline visits Chris and Jacqueline to discuss Jacqueline’s impending meeting/duel with Teresa. They talk shit about Teresa for a while, sounding finally bored with all the chaos. Jacqueline has this amazing King Charles puppy that flops around, happily eating. He is the most interesting one at this party. “You come at me with your BS and lies and I’m going to come at with with a cannonball of truth.” Aw. Jacqueline put some thought into that one. I love when RH make up metaphors.

Fancy Restaurant

On a darkened New Jersey night, Teresa and Jacqueline meet for a dance of swords and wit that can only end in sorrow or triumph. Chris and Juicy J come along to for their own husband peace talks. The wives are seated in the dining room when their husbands retire to the gentlemen’s parlor for brandy, cigars, and spry philosophical debate. It’s very Downton Abbey.

Gentlemen’s Lounge

Chris and Juicy J used to be BFFs but wife drama and casual spite got in the way of all that. Currently, Chris is mad at Juicy J because Juicy J told a mutual acquaintance that Chris was “shady.” When Chris confronted Juicy J in Napa, Juicy J responded “Shady motherfucker you are” which is highly absurd coming from Juicy J, who is hella shady and been arrested/sued more times than anyone. Recently, the Giudice’s both got in a world of trouble and might face jail time. When Chris brings the ill-fated insult up, Juicy Jabba J gurgles “I don’t remember” and picks his teeth. This is enough of an apology for Chris and the two men resolve to put their differences behind them and start afresh.

Dining Room

Teresa: I [“YOU” SHE MEANS] would [“SHOULD” SHE MEANS] feel so guilty if I broke up a brother and sister. Jacqueline: I don’t feel like I broke you two up. You had differences before and according to your brother and family, that’s not why you didn’t talk to them for over a year.
Logic is wasted on Teresa, as it always is. Teresa tells Jacqueline to apologize for telling people Juicy J cheated on Teresa. Teresa rarely apologizes but demands almost constant apology for any who dare cross her path. Jacqueline tells Teresa that someone (not her, obvi) said Teresa was a sociopath. “I’m not a sociopath,” shrieks Teresa “you’re the one who goes on Twitter rampages.” I don’t think either of them know what a sociopath is. “I’m an impulsive tweeter” Jacqueline acknowledges. Everyone, even the people who like Jacqueline, seems to find Jacqueline’s tweeting intense so God knows what she’s up to that Twitter is such an issue. “Here’s the thing…” Teresa says with a sociopathic grin “There’s evil people out there and I think you’re one of them.” Jacqueline’s eyes go wide with repressed fury, but she maintains composure and laughs in Teresa’s face. “I’m not evil” Jacqueline says. Jacqueline does not appear to be evil. I agree with that statement. “Behind the scenes you go after people.” She talks about how Jacqueline turned on Danielle (with Teresa) and Dina. “When you were done being friends with them you want to bury them.” Could it be? Could Jacqueline be a backstage schemer out to make, then break, friends at whim? Who is Jacqueline really? A ninja? A spy? The Devil herself wreaking havoc upon the land? This meeting of minds might truly be a dance with the Devil, but which dancer is the Devil?

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