The “Pretty Little Liars” Guide to Rosewood


Things That Happened: Season 2

OK well mostly there was a Halloween masquerade ball in which Mona gleefully skipped around Spencer, throwing clues at her like confetti until Spencer at last realized that A and Mona were one and the same. So case closed, right? Lock Mona in the local sanitarium and throw away the key, right? IF ONLY IT WERE SO EASY. It takes more than walls to keep out adrenalized hyperreality, and Mona wasn’t working alone. In fact she was working for someone, someone in a blood red coat.

Oh and also, remember Maya? I do. And even though she was mostly gone at drug camp or Noel Kahn’s cabin, and even though every lesbian in the world flocked to Rosewood to offer their love to Emily Fields, Emily remembered Maya. But at the very end of season two, like Alison before her, Maya turned up murdered. And no matter how much I love Paige McCullers, her eventual replacement, I have made a personal vow to never stop being sad about Maya.

And also I guess Aria and Ezra broke up and got back together about five more times. I really stopped keeping track.

Things That Happened: Season 3

After a summer of healing some of her emotional wounds, Emily returned to Rosewood for her legendary Night of A Thousand Nights, in which she consumed a drug which gave her DiLaurentis-like powers of multitasking, but erased her memory of everything she’d done. The most important of those things, though, was when she made her way to the home of Paige McCullers with the intention of kissing her on the mouth. Paige came onto the scene as a self-loathing closeted girl with truly unfortunate bangs, but has since emerged as a remarkable hero, fully deserving of her own spinoff (not that I need to tell you guys this; I’m sure half of you have coconut cupcake tattoos and my bike is named McCullers, so.)

Last season, blind Jenna was revealed to be a. fully sighted, and b. using her functional peepers to check out local lesbian homewrecker, Shana. Still waiting for her to do something actually evil though.

Ezra discovered that he was the father of a distressingly accident-prone child, and the situation finally got weird enough for Aria to call it quits. Also, they hadn’t had breakup/makeup sex in a while, and they were probably both in the mood for it.

CeCe Drake, a girl who could match Alison’s manipulation note for note, showed up to reveal more possible suspects in Ali’s murder, herself among them. Also—Heather would kill me if I didn’t mention this—she beat a snake to death with a mannequin leg, which is probably, like, a metaphor.

Cousin nate happened, but we won’t speak of such things, except inasmuch as it should be a cautionary tale to anyone who tries to come between Emily and her girlfriend ever again.

Toby was briefly evil and then briefly dead, but then was really neither, and Spencer went undercover as a member of the A Team with Mona.

Longtime Liar-hater/creep Detective Wilden finally went too far, and Hanna’s mom was forced to run him over with her car. Unfortunately, she committed this act of valor in full view of his dashboard camera, so Hanna sunk his car in a local pond. Evil, however, is waterproof, and the evidence is still intact.

When the season closed, evidence was beginning to mount that Alison is, in fact, alive (or maybe it’s her twin sister, who knows). And there is something shocking in the back of Detective Wilden’s drowned squad car, and something tells me it is not vegan.

In a story like this, where everyone is a suspect, it can be hard to keep hold of all the threads of plot. My advice is: don’t worry about it too much. Watch for the friendship. And the lesbians. Because, good God, this show is full of them.

Here’s to Season 4. Keep those wockets in your pockets, y’all.

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