Oh, the Video Music Awards: MTV trying to be cool again and drunk celebrities attempting to make the Monday morning headlines. Last night, at L.A.’s Nokia Theatre, Kanye West didn’t throw a tantrum, there were no fake lesbos swapping spit for 16 seconds of screen-time and no one tried to make an awkward comeback. (Except Cher, who looked so freaking fierce and far from awkward, I’m not counting it.) In fact, the VMAs were pretty tame this year, sparsely populated by a handful of good performances, Kanye-themed gags, and Lady Gaga gushing over the gays for the whole nation to hear.
I obviously watched the boring White Carpet show in desperate anticipation of Nicki Minaj, a.k.a. Nicki Lewinski, tearing up the small stage. Clad in a shiny spacesuit and hot pink wig, Minaj shut it down with “Your Love” and her second single “Check it Out” with will.i.am. It was hot!
You know what else was hot? Gaga in a gown from one of Alexander McQueen’s final collections, as she introduced her friends from the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, supporting the “very important cause” of repealing DADT in light of the recent ruling.
Eminem opened the show with his dime-a-dozen emo-shouting raps, but Rihanna, looking like the Red Queen, showed up just in time to save him and put me out of my misery by singing “Love the Way You Lie,” a song with a supposedly “progressive” message about domestic violence. (I’m very skeptical.)
After getting her booty slapped by Lindsay Lohan, who coached her on how to turn her life around (if LiLo can do it, so can you, bois and girls!), host Chelsea Handler emerged onstage to “Bad Romance,” wearing a house on her face. Turns out Chelsea is the first woman to host the VMAs in 16 years! WTF? Justin Bieber wasn’t even alive back then, but it’s so hard to imagine life without him and his poser 28-year-old lesbian-style. Chelsea was so over the whole “girl-on-girl-kiss” thing at the VMAs, and would rather you all get your tongues ready to shove them some place they’re not supposed to be.