Yesterday Forbes released its list of 100 most powerful women, and not only are the rankings befuddling (Nancy Pelosi bests Hillary Clinton? Presidents of nations are more powerful than Oprah? Get serious, Forbes.), it’s also boring. In fact, I’ll give you a dollar for every woman on the list you can identify without consulting Wikipedia.
Instead of parsing such dry material, I’ve decided to make my own list: The Eight Most Powerful Fictional Lesbians.
I suppose I could make a list of powerful real-life lesbians, but that would go against my soul’s purpose, which is to look at photos of Simone Lahbib for at least an hour, every day, for the rest of my life.
8) Callie Torres (Sara Ramírez), Grey’s Anatomy — former chief resident and dweller in the Stairwell of Regrets and Recriminations at Seattle Grace hospital
7) Lucy Diamond (Jordana Brewster), D.E.B.S. — reformed criminal mastermind
6) Bette Porter (Jennifer Beals), The L Word — former Director of the California Arts Center, former Dean of Arts, eternal rocker of the power suit
5) Batwoman, Detective Comics — Gotham City’s female protector
4) Helena Peabody (Rachel Shelley), The L Word — heiress to the Peabody family fortune, co-owner of
S–t Club He Bar L.A.’s number one hottest ever lesbian club
3) Xena (Lucy Lawless), Xena: Warrior Princess — destroyer of tyranny and evil in Ancient Greece
2) Willow Rosenberg (Alyson Hannigan), Buffy the Vampire Slayer — the greatest witch in television history
1) Helen Stewart (Simone Lahbib), Bad Girls — former Keeper of Keys and Hearts at Larkhall prison’s G-Wing
StuntDouble, you’re saying to yourself, are you really telling me that mortal Helen Stewart is more powerful than even the most magical fiction lesbians? Yes, yes I am.
Who did I miss on my list? Who do you think is the most powerful fictional lesbian?