A never-ending nonsense non-scene — As Helena watches from her glass house (again, so subtle), Dylan talks on her cell phone, then gets in her Jeep and drives away.
And then the scene becomes a mishmash of random things. You can’t really call it a scene at all, so I apologize if this recap seems to lose all rhyme and reason.
Alice is eating licorice and talking to a cereal-eating Shane on the phone. She thinks Tasha and Jamie are having a "sexcapade." She’s sure they’re having great sex because they have so much in common.
Alice: I’m sure they’re like, [in a deep, Tasha-esque voice] "Do you like it when I touch you like that? ‘Cause I like it when you touch me like that."
Snicker. Oh, Alice. Even when heartbroken, you bring the funny.
Shane is concerned about Alice and suggests they have lunch, but before they can make plans, Jenny and Sounder II swirl back into Shane’s vicinity, so Shane hangs up.
Jenny is in a tizz about all the things she has to do in order to get everything ready for the party. Shane reassures and offers to run errands and do whatever else she needs.
Jenny: [to Sounder] She understands me, doesn’t she?
Don’t confuse capitulation with comprehension, Jenny. Oh, and Sounder? I know your instinct is not to bite the hand that feeds, but please: sink those canines in and never let go. And don’t limit yourself to the hand. The neck can be tasty too.
Next door, Bette and Tina are welcoming home Sonny, Kit and Angelica, who have spent the day at the zoo.
Bette: What did you see at the zoo?
Angie: Funny giraffe.
Bette: You did?
Sonny: Yeah, we saw an old giraffe with a goiter on his neck!
Angie is too much cuteness. And Sonny is pretty cute too — and his goiter line made me giggle. I guess he and Kit had dinner and worked out their differences, then? Glad we got to see that.
Sonny asks whether he can use the bathroom to change; he’s on the clock at the Hit club tonight as usual. Bette directs him to a nearby "powder room," but Tina tells him that’s too small and sends him upstairs to the "fabulous new bathroom." Bette (who — bless you, wardrobe — is wearing a tank top) doesn’t like this and makes a face at Tina after Sonny has gone.
Tina: The powder room is too tiny. He’s really big.
Kit: Hey, he won’t make a mess. He’s the neatest and the cleanest man I know.
Bette: That’s fine. However, he’s still a man.
Kit: Uh, and you’re saying …
Bette: Well, I just, you know. What if he forgets to put the toilet seat up or something?
Kit: [laughing in disbelief] You’re kidding me, right?!
Bette: No. I mean, I’m just not that crazy about the idea of some man in my beautiful new bathroom. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not a man-hater.
Kit: I don’t have to! Oh, my God!
Bette: There’s just some facets of man-ness that just make me queasy, that’s all.
Right on cue, in walks James. His pretty shirt doesn’t make me queasy in the least.
Kit: James, how do you put up with her? Tell me.
Bette: He never pees in my bathroom. Right?
James: Nope, never.
Kit: [near hysterics] Where do you pee?
Bette: Powder room.
Kit can’t believe her ears, and neither can I. What the ffaahhkk? Since when is Bette made queasy by man-ness? She has always treated men and women equally and seems to get along with men — remember her friendship with Tim? And wasn’t she the one who "used to swallow that stuff" when she and Tina first sought out sperm donors? And what about when her dying father was living with her — did Melvin have to use the powder room or wheel himself out to the backyard to pee?
I guess you could call this a reaction to Tina’s detour to man-land, but that still doesn’t really explain Bette’s vehemence. It’s sort of amusing, but it’s mostly bemusing. Or annoying. But hey, while we’re at it, let’s go ahead and reveal some other prejudices and foibles. Bette doesn’t let men use her bathroom, Tina has a second cell phone number that she uses only for her vegetarian friends, Helena refuses to eat at restaurants that employ youths with acne, and Alice has a special set of silverware for short people. This is the way that we live out our laughable phobias!
Shenny’s studio — Shane has run all those errands for Jenny.
Jenny: I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Shane: Oh, you’d manage, I’m sure.
Jenny: No, I wouldn’t. I’d probably kill myself.
Shane: Oh, stop.
Jenny: I’m going to leave everything to you.
Jenny: You’re my family.
Gosh, I guess Shane is a millionaire now! I hadn’t thought about that. OK, not quite a millionaire: a hundred-thousandaire. Half a mil for the movie rights minus $25K for a date with Niki minus fancy shoes for Sounder = Jenny’s probably barely got six figures left.
Jenny asks Shane whether she wants to see the clip Carmen sent for the tribute video. I do, I do! But Shane declines and leaves to shop for a present for Tina and Bette. As she goes, Dylan arrives.
Cut back to Bette and Tina’s house, where James is saying his good-byes. Tina asks him whether he’s ever thought about moving to New York.
Tina: Maybe you should come work for Bette.
James: She hasn’t offered me a job.
Bette: Well, that’s because I don’t have a job to offer, but I don’t know … as of right now, I don’t know that I ever will. I’m sort of liking the idea of Tina supporting me and me looking after children.
Tina, James, and Kit burst into uproarious laughter.
Bette: Why is that so funny?
Bette must have prepared (and sampled) some pot brownies for the party or something. Who is she?
But this little exchange is a good example of the "framily" thing Max was talking about. Thumbs up. Very clean, just-washed-in-the-powder-room thumbs.
Sonny has transformed into Sunset and is on his way to work. He kisses Angie good-bye.
Angie: Bye, Daddy.
Everyone’s shocked, of course, but Tina covers for all of them and says it’s "perfectly natural." Bette gives Tina a look that says, "Who let that MAN in here?" and averts her eyes as Kit and Sunset kiss.
Aww. I’m happy for Kit. And how ironic is that — the one character who never gets any lines and never has much to do is the one with the happiest ending.
Cut to Alice, who is still on the phone, this time with Helena. Alice is still stewing about Tasha and Jamie, but she also happens to mention that Dylan is at Jenny’s studio. Helena (who is sewing up her freshly knifed shirt) is, of course, immediately suspicious.
Alice: Isn’t she helping Jenny edit?
Helena: I don’t know; is she?
Alice half-jokes that at first she thought Jenny and Dylan were having an affair.
Alice: And I was like, "Yay!" — but then I realized that would suck for you.
Sigh. Cut to Jenny/Shane’s studio, where Dylan is having a serious conversation with Jenny. It seems that Dylan knew about the Niki test all along, and wants to make sure Jenny won’t tell Helena that the test wasn’t a test at all.
Jenny: You lied to me. Now you’re asking me to lie to cover your lie.
Dylan: I didn’t lie to you. I confided in you.
Jenny: No, you lied to me. You really did.
What? I hear the words, but they make no sense. But, OK: apparently Dylan recognized Jenny’s voice on the phone when Jenny posed as Niki’s agent. She did? Did anybody tell Alex Hedison that at the time? Because she seemed totally fooled and totally sincere. I think the writers are trying to write their way out of something again. Probably that proverbial paper bag they’ve been stuck in for six seasons.
Jenny and Dylan continue to fight about who lied to whom and whether Helena should know that Dylan knew (ouch, my head), but it doesn’t matter: Helena is there. Right now. Listening. She calls Dylan a liar and a con artist.
Helena: None of this bodes well for a relationship that should be based on trust.
Jenny tries to interrupt, but the incredulous, incensed Helena ignores her.
Helena: [to Dylan] When you stood firm and rejected the pass that Niki made at you, that was just an act?!
Dylan: No, that was not just an act.
Helena: And when she [pointing to Jenny] spilled the beans at Max’s baby shower, she wasn’t really spilling anything?! Jesus, Dylan, that was such a good performance! You’ve been on the wrong side of the camera.
Helena starts to storm out, but Jenny stops her and tries to take the blame for the baby shower bit.
Helena: F— you, Schecter. You have interfered in my life enough now.
Whoa. I still don’t believe Dylan knew all along, and I’m generally confused. But I like it when Helena yells. Finally, something’s happening! Yellena!
Dylan follows Helena and tries to patch things up (again), but it’s too late. Helena finally, sadly says that she can never trust Dylan, thanks to "Jenny f—ing Schecter."
Chorus of Erstwhiles: VI
Angelica: Did you see my scenes in there somewhere? My line delivery killed. Killed! And how cute was I?
Toxic Tonya: Who are these people? I don’t think they’ve ever even been to Dinah Shore.
Mark: Jenny has cameras now. Of course. Oh, of COURSE.
Mr. Piddles: [hissing at Sounder]
Fae Buckley: Oh, what a tangled web they’ve weaved. Practiced deceivers will burn in hell!
Dawn Denbo: Hey, Helena: wanna go out? I mean, now that you’re single and all.
Dana: What just happened? Where am I? My head is spinning. I think the soup chef must have put something funny in that fig martini she fixed for me.
Whew. That was the longest, muddiest overlapping collection of … something. Help.