Back to the house. Did I say the pose on the stairway was disturbing? It gets even more unsettling as Dylan pushes Helena onto the kitchen counter and proceeds to make sexy time — asking Helena, "Do you trust me?" And then Dylan reaches for a nearby knife. But no, we don’t have a two-fatality finale: she just uses it to cut the strap of Helena’s top.
I’m sure this means I’m deranged, but I actually thought that was hot hot hot. Partly because of Dylan’s gorgeous hands.
Shane’s studio — Jenny is working on the tribute video. She’s smiling as Helena (on the video) explains why she was "such a bitch" when she first met Bette. Yeah, please do give us the backstory of your personality transplant.
Helena: My mother had always spoken about you with such great admiration. You were the daughter I could never be, the woman I would always have to measure up against.
Oh, is that why? You really want to blame Peggy instead of the writers? I wouldn’t. She won’t take it well.
Then Jenny watches a clip of Joyce and Phyllis, who say how much they’ll miss Bette and Tina (or, in Joyce’s case, how much she’ll miss double-billing them). Wait: is that all we get? Weren’t they supposed to get married? Why did they disappear? Did Gavin Newsom abduct them?
Now that’s what I’m going to miss — Bette and Tina are having sex. Yes! Thank you thank you thank you.
The afterglow isn’t immediately glowy, though.
Tina [with her head hanging off the bed backward, looking outside] Oh, my God, we should get Weezie to fix the railing before all these people come to our house.
Bette: [popping her head up from under the sheet] What did you just say?!
Tina quickly amends her statement: "I said, oh, my God, that was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had." She starts to return the favor, but Bette wants some soul-deep kisses instead.
Thank you, Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman, for never holding back when you kiss.
Oh, and Bette wants one other little thing:
Bette: You know what I’d like to do when we get to New York?
Bette: I’d like to marry you.
Tina: [gasping] Really?
Bette: Yeah, really.
Tina’s childlike delight is so lovely.
The scene lasts several more delicious minutes and features several more positions (of the cuddling and sleeping variety, but I’ll take it). Sigh and swoon and hooray! And Sade!
Cut to a brief interrogation room snippet.
Sgt. Duffy: What about Tina?
Bette: She’s the love of my life.
She said that while arranging herself and resettling her cufflinks, so you know she’s serious.
Chorus of Erstwhiles: IV
Angelica: Happy, happy mamas. Why are you so tired?
Toxic Tonya: Not this again. Dana, honey, let’s buy their house. I can sunbathe nude by the pool — I know how you like to see the Ton-Ton’s ta-tas.
Mark: Noooo! Don’t have the hot sex scene when I no longer live within shooting distance!
Mr. Piddles: [cleans face and purrs]
Shay: MILF sex! There are no associated PSAs, except that MILF is good.
Fae Buckley: [coughs and sputters, strangled by her own desire]
Dawn Denbo: Hey, Bette: thank you. Nice face. No, I mean it: thank you! For the very nice face!
Dana: It’s gross because they’re, like, my friends. But it’s so, so totally hot. Rewind!
An homage — Back in the pre-interrogation world, Bette and Tina are sitting on their back steps, having coffee and reading the paper. They see Shane walking by between their respective houses.
Bette: What are you doing out so early?
Shane: Goin’ home.
Shane declines to answer "from where" and then notices Bette and Tina’s body language.
Shane: [meaningfully] What have you guys been doing?
Bette narrows her eyes and Tina giggles. Yes, it’s all a callback to the very first episode, when Shane was walking home after a one-night stand. This time she’s walking home from a night of comforting brokenhearted Alice, and this time she looks much less emaciated. (Snarker has the comparison screenshots.)
It’s a nice reference to a happier time. But I wish it had included Shane’s line from the pilot, about Bette and Tina giving Shane hope that love can last. I guess hope is in short supply in Season 6.
They talk about Alice and Jenny. Bette doesn’t understand why Jenny is at Shane’s studio — the room of Shane’s own. Shane tries to make excuses for Jenny without giving anything away about the tribute video. But Bette doesn’t care why Jenny is using the studio.
Bette: This is bulls—, Shane. You know what I think it is? I think she needed to give you something so that she could have something else to take away from you.
Tina: Come on, Bette. That’s harsh.
Shane: Listen, I understand where you’re coming from. I really do. I’d like to think she’s not that calculated.
Tina: Yeah, I have to agree with Shane. I mean, basically, I think her heart’s in the right place.
Bette: Yeah, I think her heart is in the right place. I think she’s just misplaced her meds.
Chorus of Erstwhiles: V
Dana and Mr. P.: Meee-ow!
Shane shrugs and nods and says, "Yeah." Not the way I did.
But hey, this isn’t fair: just when I had given up on Jenny having her heart in the right place, we’ve come back around to that notion. Is she a menace or simply misguided? And can someone help me find my meds, please? Any meds, really. Doesn’t matter whether they’ll wake me up or calm me down or knock me out entirely: they’ll help. Wait, scratch that: if they’re going to knock me out entirely, skip it. The boring parts of this episode are already putting me in a stupor.
The interrogation room — It’s Tina’s turn to talk. And she’s talking about Kelly, the "vacant bombshell." Tina admits that she’s felt some Kelly-related jealousy, which is sad — Kelly has nothing on Tina. A few inches in height, maybe, but several fathoms less in depth.
(As Tina talks about Kelly, the other officer — the one who isn’t Lucy Lawless — scribbles something on his notepad. I guess it’s shorthand, or maybe a secret code. Oh, crap: did I forget to send away for the Season 6 decoder ring?)
Tina: Kit calls her a vixen. You know, like a real predator type.
I wish she were a real Vixen type — as in that all-girl ’80s heavy metal band. That would have been more fun.