And now it’s time for the first Chorus of Erstwhiles. What’s that, you ask? Well, although several former L Word characters show up (sorta) in this episode, several others didn’t make the cut. So I’m giving them a chance to speak too (and, with luck, to provide a little comic relief). (Oh, and I know Angelica isn’t a "former" character, but she’s often ignored, so she’s going to chime in.) If you’re not sure who these people are, follow the linked names in this first round.
Chorus of Erstwhiles: I
Dana: So, everybody, what did you think of the triangle summit?
Angelica: Hi! Alice go bye-bye?
Toxic Tonya: Alice has always been so flighty. I’ve heard she even flies across hotel rooms sometimes.
Mark: Can we do another take of that? I missed Jamie’s reaction to the "Shut up."
Mr. Piddles: Purrrrrr. Tasha is warm.
Shay: This afterschool special tells us all about the importance of being faithful and not ordering the same thing as your friend.
Dawn Denbo: Hey, Alice: thank you. Nice face.
Fae Buckley: See what homosexual relationships lead to? Open legs and threesomes! I mean, uh, broken hearts and triangles!
Dana: Sorry about that, Al. Hey, does this mean you’re free for coffee? Because I’m really ready to be a gay lady again.
The interrogation room — Now it’s Alice’s turn to answer a few questions. About all sorts of things, it seems.
Alice: The only person that I ever really loved as much as Tasha was Dana. Dana Fairbanks.
Sgt. Duffy: And Dana broke your heart as well?
Alice: She broke my heart. And then she got sick.
Sigh. I’m just never going to get over that, am I?
Meanwhile, yes, Alice was talking to Sergeant Duffy (Lucy Lawless), but we didn’t actually get to see that fine specimen of lady cop. So unfair.
Home sour home — At Helena’s very fancy house, things are not as happily ever after as they seemed to be last week. Helena and Dylan are having a "conversation" that they’ll have to continue later, because Jenny is there to get another contribution to the tribute video.
Dylan doesn’t really want to continue the conversation at all.
Dylan: I was just upset, OK? I didn’t expect to be kicked out of my sublet.
Helena: And I just felt that you were expecting me to invite you to move in here with me.
Dylan: I wasn’t angling for an invitation to move in with you. Nothing could have been further from my mind.
Helena: Well, in that case, I’m sorry.
Dylan: You know something? I would have said no if you had offered. But it would have been nice.
Yes. Nice. Let’s just be nice, ladies! Stop finding things to fight about already.
They go to the kitchen, where Jenny is setting up her camera. I was sort of joking last week, Jenny, about your "rapey" camera. It’s not very funny now.
Jenny: I’m shooting a tribute video to Bette and Tina. I’m gonna do it for their good-bye party, which is, uh, gonna be exciting.
Helena: Do I have to be on camera? Because, you know, I really hate that.
Helena is both beautiful and hilarious when she’s angry. She offers Jenny and Dylan a drink.
Jenny: I think it’s a little early for me. But thank you.
Helena: It’s never too early for a drink.
That’s going to go down in L history as one of the representative lines of the finale.
Jenny urges them to stand closer together and offer up a toast to Bette and Tina. At first they stand stiffly and look as if they’re about to deliver a eulogy, but they finally muster up some good cheer.
Helena: To…to Tina and Bette.
She says this with that "R" sound that Brits use to glide between two vowels — in this case, the two A’s at the end of "Tina" and the beginning of "and": "Tinar and Bette." I love it. I wonder if Rachel Shelley would agree to do the audio recording of my recaps? The box set will be called scribegrrrl’s L Word Recaps: For Amnesiacs and Insomniacs. We can all drift off to dreamland on the cushion of Rachel Shelley’s lilt.
The interrogation room — It’s Max’s turn. He must have just said something very nice about our heroines, because Sergeant Duffy has the perfect retort:
Sgt. Duffy: Oh, for crying out loud. Admit it: they were a–holes.
Max chuckles and admits that it was difficult to "penetrate" the group of friends. (Um, great word choice, little Gibb.)
Max: After a while, I realized it’s not that they were total snobs, it’s just that they were … insular. Tight, kind of, you know?
Yeah. We know. (And great, you used the word "tight" just after "penetrate." Stop that.)
Max now thinks his group of friends is "amazing" and "special."
Max: I call ‘em "framily." More than friends, less than family.
I guess Max has been doing computer searches at Television Without Pity! "Framily" is a popular term among the sparkling wits there.
Bette and Tina’s House — Kit is checking out the additions to the house. They include a balcony/deck and outdoor staircase off the fancy new master bedroom (overlooking the pool, in case you were wondering).
Bette: I wouldn’t really go up there if I were you.
Bette: Because that railing isn’t secured. Weezie said she’d come over tonight and fix it.
Weezie. Oh, right: the butchy wonder of the straight world.
Kit plays big sister, warning Bette not to let Angie go near the unfinished railing (duh) and inquiring about the future. Wait, what? Is this really a Bette-Kit scene? I love them together, and I’m pretty sure this is the first time all season that they’ve sat down for a sisterly chat.
First they talk about the thwarted adoption plans. Bette says she and Tina are pursuing other options, so Kit points (literally) to the obvious option: Max, who is nearby, cleaning off the grill. But Bette makes a face.
Kit: Why not? It’s perfect. He has something that you guys want.
Bette: We’re not talking about f—ing used cars, Kit. And anyway, I think he’s come to terms with the situation. I think he’s ready to be a father.
There’s something sweetly comical and pathetic about Max as he scrubs that grill. Remember when he was dating that debutante and took refuge by the grill while all the other twentysomethings splashed in the pool? Aw. He’s come a long way — I think he’d agree that even though it sucks to be barefoot and pregnant, it’s better than having to hide who he is.
Kit moves on to the big question: what’s the deal with the move to New York?
Bette: You know what the deal is. Tina has a new job.
Kit: I know, but you just opened up a new gallery that you put your heart and soul in; you have a new business partner and a beautiful, newly remodeled home … ?
Bette sighs and gets serious. She confesses that she’s really ready to leave L.A.
Bette: I am so tired of everyone being all up in everyone else’s business.
Kit: What business, exactly, do you want someone to get out of?
Bette: I want Jenny Schecter to mind her own f—ing business. That’s what I want.
Kit looks confused, so Bette gives her the bullet points about Kelly coming over after the opening and making a pass at her.
Bette: She’s got some kind of f—ing crazy idea that I’m having an affair with Kelly. And I swear, I’m not having an affair with Kelly. But see, now the problem is, I didn’t tell Tina that night that Kelly had come over. And if I tell her now, it just becomes this whole mess. So … I haven’t told her.
Kit: [with an "uh, doi" in her voice] Yeah, it’s gonna be a mess that you didn’t tell Tina that Kelly made a pass at you.
Bette: And now Jenny’s on this f—ing delusional power trip, and she wants me to confess to Tina.
Kit: But … is that why you want to go to New York?
Bette: I want to go to New York because I think it would be a good move for us. However, I am happy to be getting out of this little incestuous hotbed of lesbian interf—ingconnectedness.
Oh, yes. Wordy word McWord. Preach!
Chorus of Erstwhiles: II
Angelica: Mama B. make boo-boo?
Toxic Tonya: Oh, I’ve heard a lot about this Bette person. You mean Tina actually went back to her after the carpenter thing?
Mark: Lesbo sisters! Hot! But the lighting is so, so wrong. Gomey, order a pizza; it’s gonna be a long night.
Mr. Piddles: Mmrroowwwrr. Tiger Bette.
Shay: Dude! That dude by the grill was pregnant! And he’s a dude!
Fae Buckley: Only those with small vocabularies need resort to obscenities, Miss Porter. And I do mean "Miss."
Dawn Denbo: Hey, Bette: thank you. Nice face.
Dana: Come on already. We all know that Tina and Bette are meant to be together and are the example for the rest of us and blah-de-blah-de-blah. Al and Shane and I called this forever ago: bo-ring.
The interrogation room — In the harsh light, Kit waxes poetic.
Kit: You will never find a people who love one another more and who look after one another as lovingly as these friends do. You could give me any army, assembly of God, and I would put my posse up against them. Because they are so tight and fiercely loyal. Mmm.
It’s hard to argue with that. It’s hard to argue with anything that involves Kit speaking complete sentences, because it’s so rare. Mmm.