TV

“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.08 “Last Word”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Processing: Half of the episode. So gay!

Morbidity: The other half of the episode. So creepy!

Reunion: Not very satisfying when it’s virtual.

Resolution: Not always synonymous with “end.”

THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Alexandra Hedison wields a weapon; Roger Cross just wants to use the facilities; Kate French hides in the bushes; Mei Melançon orders breakfast.

THREAT COUNT: As of last week, six characters had threatened Jenny’s life: Niki, Tina, Max, Alice, Helena, and Bette. But the threat count seems pointless now, because in this episode, everybody wants Jenny to just go away already.

Finale preliminaries – By now, you’ve already done a fair amount of thinking about this episode. You’ve marveled at the Pre-L, you’ve skimmed the live blog, you’ve tried to keep up with the Twitter buzz, you’ve chortled at the Facebook recap, and you’ve analyzed the episode in more than one conversation, chat session and forum thread. So this recap can be little more than an exercise in nostalgia. But maybe that’s not so bad – isn’t it all we have left?

One other note: this recap features something I’m calling the Chorus of Erstwhiles. I’ll explain further when we get to the first one.

Oh, sorry, two final notes: yes, I’m gleefully ignoring the interrogation tapes on sho.com; and yes, this recap is looooong. Luckily, you never have to wade through all this twaddle ever again!

Previously on The L Word – Wow, have you ever seen a “previously” montage that reaches so far back? Back to when Tasha left the army, back to Season 3 when Dylan sued Helena for sexual harassment, and back to all the loose threads of this episode, such as the stolen negative, Max’s pregnancy and the letter jacket in the attic. Oh, so we’ve been reminded of that stuff because we’re actually going to resolve it? All of it? Now? In an hour? Mm-hmm.

An interrogation room – Cast your minds back, if you will, to the first episode of this season. Remember Lucy Lawless’s delicious smirk and the imminence of the investigation into Jenny’s death? We’re back there now: in a sterile interrogation room, taking turns with all the frightened friends who were gathered in Bette and Tina’s living room.

The first witness/suspect/bystander is Shane. She admits that she’s thought about “it” but would never do something like that. Like what – like talk without moving your lips? ‘Cause that’s what you’re doing, in this strange collection of overlapping close-ups and dialogue that weaves in and out. It’s so artsy. Or something.

Shane characterizes herself as someone who likes her freedom. She also notes (while we’re on the topic of likes and dislikes) that she hates it when couples use the word “we,” especially to describe their feelings.

Shane: Feeling is a solitary emotion. See, you may feel like you’re falling in love. And I, me, might feel like I’m being caged.

Purely hypothetical, of course. Just to illustrate.

She goes on to describe something that took place just after the “For Sale” sign went up in front of Bette and Tina’s house.

(By the way, a similar sign has also been put up in front of the property known as Television Space Occupied by Lesbian Characters. But in both cases, nobody’s buyin’.)

Just after that sign of doom showed up, Jenny and Shane sat down to record a contribution to the “tribute video” that Jenny has been working on for Bette and Tina. But Shane didn’t really get to speak – the “we” thing strikes again.

Jenny: [on the video] You guys were this supreme, wonderful, beautific [sic] couple, and now we’re gonna take your place because we’re the only ones left. So this is really, really exciting. So I give you my word [looking at Shane] that we’re gonna make it.

You give us your word? Which one, though? A nonword, such as “beautific” (I think she meant “beatific”), or an actual word – such as “flapdoodle”? That’s the perfect word for this vision of Shenny as the supreme couple. Hogwash, horsefeathers, claptrap, poppycock, hooey and flapdoodle!

Bliss – Hear that? No? That’s right: you don’t hear it. That awful, odious, risible, insulting, formless cacophony called the theme song is not assaulting your ears. What bliss!

The Planet – Alice, Tasha and Jamie are sitting at a triangular table. No, I mean I think it’s actually triangular in appearance, as well as in atmosphere.

They’re having a very intimate conversation in a very public place. Alice quietly states her love for Tasha. She doubts that either Jamie or Tasha realizes the depths of that love.

Alice: I guess I’m just asking you guys to be honest about what’s going on.

Jamie swears that nothing has happened between her and Tasha, but that doesn’t matter much to Alice.

Alice: I’m sure you guys haven’t even admitted it to yourselves. [looking at Tasha] ‘Cause I know you think thinking is cheating. [looking at Jamie] I’m sure you think the same thing.

She says that last bit stridently and viciously. I hate to hear pain in Alice’s voice. There’s pain in her eyes, too, and in the set of her jaw and the line of her neck and the bend of her brow, as Jamie and Tasha’s identical orders arrive at the table. (Alice, understandably, couldn’t possibly eat at a time like this.)

Alice tells them they need to be truthful about the feelings that are out of their control.

Tasha: I’m not gonna accept that.

Alice: Well, you have to accept it. You can’t … all the military training in the world doesn’t, you know, help you control feelings. You can’t … [impatiently] I’m giving you a chance here to just be honest with me, just tell me.

So Jamie does.

Jamie: I’m only speaking for myself, but, yeah, I think I have fallen in love with Tasha.

Alice’s reply is the only possible one.

Alice: Thank you. And f— you.

Jamie tries to tell Alice that she didn’t want this to happen and has the utmost respect for Alice and her relationship with Tasha, but Alice tells them they’re free to go.

Jamie: No, no, no. God, no. Please do not break up over me.

Tasha: We’re not. [to Alice] Don’t do this.

Alice: When we have sex, I don’t close my eyes and imagine someone else naked in the shower.

Tasha: F— you.

Eeek. Is this the most uncomfortable scene ever, even for a show that is fond of uncomfortable scenes? Why are they having this conversation at the Planet, anyway? I guess it’s neutral territory, but it’s also so very public. It gets even more tense as Jamie tries to tell them to stay together.

Alice: Will you shut the f— up, please? Just shut the f— up.

Yow! I don’t think I’d want to meet Alice in a dark alley. I mean, I actually totally would like to meet her in a dark alley, but not if she’s using her mean voice.

And then Alice tells them to “give it a try.”

Tasha: Try what? What the f— does that mean?

Alice: Just f—ing try it. Just … if you don’t call me by the same time tomorrow, I’ll know you made up your mind about … what it is you want.

Tasha: This is not … this has never happened to me before. Alice, you know that I live a life of honor and duty.

Alice: Well, I don’t want you to stay with me out of a sense of duty. Don’t stay with me because it’s the right thing to do.

On that note, Alice takes her leave. Jamie tries to say one last thing, but Alice barks, “Save it. Shut up.” Yes, please save it: save this relationship and save Alice, because I can’t bear to see her so sad and angry.

And now it’s time for the first Chorus of Erstwhiles. What’s that, you ask? Well, although several former L Word characters show up (sorta) in this episode, several others didn’t make the cut. So I’m giving them a chance to speak too (and, with luck, to provide a little comic relief). (Oh, and I know Angelica isn’t a “former” character, but she’s often ignored, so she’s going to chime in.) If you’re not sure who these people are, follow the linked names in this first round.

Chorus of Erstwhiles: I

Dana: So, everybody, what did you think of the triangle summit?

Angelica: Hi! Alice go bye-bye?

Toxic Tonya: Alice has always been so flighty. I’ve heard she even flies across hotel rooms sometimes.

Mark: Can we do another take of that? I missed Jamie’s reaction to the “Shut up.”

Mr. Piddles: Purrrrrr. Tasha is warm.

Shay: This afterschool special tells us all about the importance of being faithful and not ordering the same thing as your friend.

Dawn Denbo: Hey, Alice: thank you. Nice face.

Fae Buckley: See what homosexual relationships lead to? Open legs and threesomes! I mean, uh, broken hearts and triangles!

Dana: Sorry about that, Al. Hey, does this mean you’re free for coffee? Because I’m really ready to be a gay lady again.

The interrogation room – Now it’s Alice’s turn to answer a few questions. About all sorts of things, it seems.

Alice: The only person that I ever really loved as much as Tasha was Dana. Dana Fairbanks.

Sgt. Duffy: And Dana broke your heart as well?

Alice: She broke my heart. And then she got sick.

Sigh. I’m just never going to get over that, am I?

Meanwhile, yes, Alice was talking to Sergeant Duffy (Lucy Lawless), but we didn’t actually get to see that fine specimen of lady cop. So unfair.

Home sour home – At Helena’s very fancy house, things are not as happily ever after as they seemed to be last week. Helena and Dylan are having a “conversation” that they’ll have to continue later, because Jenny is there to get another contribution to the tribute video.

Dylan doesn’t really want to continue the conversation at all.

Dylan: I was just upset, OK? I didn’t expect to be kicked out of my sublet.

Helena: And I just felt that you were expecting me to invite you to move in here with me.

Dylan: I wasn’t angling for an invitation to move in with you. Nothing could have been further from my mind.

Helena: Well, in that case, I’m sorry.

Dylan: You know something? I would have said no if you had offered. But it would have been nice.

Yes. Nice. Let’s just be nice, ladies! Stop finding things to fight about already.

They go to the kitchen, where Jenny is setting up her camera. I was sort of joking last week, Jenny, about your “rapey” camera. It’s not very funny now.

Jenny: I’m shooting a tribute video to Bette and Tina. I’m gonna do it for their good-bye party, which is, uh, gonna be exciting.

Helena: Do I have to be on camera? Because, you know, I really hate that.

Helena is both beautiful and hilarious when she’s angry. She offers Jenny and Dylan a drink.

Jenny: I think it’s a little early for me. But thank you.

Helena: It’s never too early for a drink.

That’s going to go down in L history as one of the representative lines of the finale.

Jenny urges them to stand closer together and offer up a toast to Bette and Tina. At first they stand stiffly and look as if they’re about to deliver a eulogy, but they finally muster up some good cheer.

Helena: To…to Tina and Bette.

She says this with that “R” sound that Brits use to glide between two vowels – in this case, the two A’s at the end of “Tina” and the beginning of “and”: “Tinar and Bette.” I love it. I wonder if Rachel Shelley would agree to do the audio recording of my recaps? The box set will be called scribegrrrl’s L Word Recaps: For Amnesiacs and Insomniacs. We can all drift off to dreamland on the cushion of Rachel Shelley’s lilt.

The interrogation room – It’s Max’s turn. He must have just said something very nice about our heroines, because Sergeant Duffy has the perfect retort:

Sgt. Duffy: Oh, for crying out loud. Admit it: they were a–holes.

Max chuckles and admits that it was difficult to “penetrate” the group of friends. (Um, great word choice, little Gibb.)

Max: After a while, I realized it’s not that they were total snobs, it’s just that they were … insular. Tight, kind of, you know?

Yeah. We know. (And great, you used the word “tight” just after “penetrate.” Stop that.)

Max now thinks his group of friends is “amazing” and “special.”

Max: I call ’em “framily.” More than friends, less than family.

I guess Max has been doing computer searches at Television Without Pity! “Framily” is a popular term among the sparkling wits there.

Bette and Tina’s House – Kit is checking out the additions to the house. They include a balcony/deck and outdoor staircase off the fancy new master bedroom (overlooking the pool, in case you were wondering).

Bette: I wouldn’t really go up there if I were you.

Kit: Why?

Bette: Because that railing isn’t secured. Weezie said she’d come over tonight and fix it.

Weezie. Oh, right: the butchy wonder of the straight world.

Kit plays big sister, warning Bette not to let Angie go near the unfinished railing (duh) and inquiring about the future. Wait, what? Is this really a Bette-Kit scene? I love them together, and I’m pretty sure this is the first time all season that they’ve sat down for a sisterly chat.

First they talk about the thwarted adoption plans. Bette says she and Tina are pursuing other options, so Kit points (literally) to the obvious option: Max, who is nearby, cleaning off the grill. But Bette makes a face.

Kit: Why not? It’s perfect. He has something that you guys want.

Bette: We’re not talking about f—ing used cars, Kit. And anyway, I think he’s come to terms with the situation. I think he’s ready to be a father.

There’s something sweetly comical and pathetic about Max as he scrubs that grill. Remember when he was dating that debutante and took refuge by the grill while all the other twentysomethings splashed in the pool? Aw. He’s come a long way – I think he’d agree that even though it sucks to be barefoot and pregnant, it’s better than having to hide who he is.

Kit moves on to the big question: what’s the deal with the move to New York?

Bette: You know what the deal is. Tina has a new job.

Kit: I know, but you just opened up a new gallery that you put your heart and soul in; you have a new business partner and a beautiful, newly remodeled home … ?

Bette sighs and gets serious. She confesses that she’s really ready to leave L.A.

Bette: I am so tired of everyone being all up in everyone else’s business.

Kit: What business, exactly, do you want someone to get out of?

Bette: I want Jenny Schecter to mind her own f—ing business. That’s what I want.

Kit looks confused, so Bette gives her the bullet points about Kelly coming over after the opening and making a pass at her.

Bette: She’s got some kind of f—ing crazy idea that I’m having an affair with Kelly. And I swear, I’m not having an affair with Kelly. But see, now the problem is, I didn’t tell Tina that night that Kelly had come over. And if I tell her now, it just becomes this whole mess. So … I haven’t told her.

Kit: [with an “uh, doi” in her voice] Yeah, it’s gonna be a mess that you didn’t tell Tina that Kelly made a pass at you.

Bette: And now Jenny’s on this f—ing delusional power trip, and she wants me to confess to Tina.

Kit: But … is that why you want to go to New York?

Bette: I want to go to New York because I think it would be a good move for us. However, I am happy to be getting out of this little incestuous hotbed of lesbian interf—ingconnectedness.

Oh, yes. Wordy word McWord. Preach!

Chorus of Erstwhiles: II

Angelica: Mama B. make boo-boo?

Toxic Tonya: Oh, I’ve heard a lot about this Bette person. You mean Tina actually went back to her after the carpenter thing?

Mark: Lesbo sisters! Hot! But the lighting is so, so wrong. Gomey, order a pizza; it’s gonna be a long night.

Mr. Piddles: Mmrroowwwrr. Tiger Bette.

Shay: Dude! That dude by the grill was pregnant! And he’s a dude!

Fae Buckley: Only those with small vocabularies need resort to obscenities, Miss Porter. And I do mean “Miss.”

Dawn Denbo: Hey, Bette: thank you. Nice face.

Dana: Come on already. We all know that Tina and Bette are meant to be together and are the example for the rest of us and blah-de-blah-de-blah. Al and Shane and I called this forever ago: bo-ring.

The interrogation room – In the harsh light, Kit waxes poetic.

Kit: You will never find a people who love one another more and who look after one another as lovingly as these friends do. You could give me any army, assembly of God, and I would put my posse up against them. Because they are so tight and fiercely loyal. Mmm.

It’s hard to argue with that. It’s hard to argue with anything that involves Kit speaking complete sentences, because it’s so rare. Mmm.

Alice’s room – Alice and Shane look like they’re hanging out after high school. They’re sprawled on Alice’s bed, drinking beer and eating popcorn and telling their respective tales.

Shane thinks it’s crazy that Alice has effectively told Tasha and Jamie to go off and have sex.

Alice: It’s no more crazy than you not ending a relationship from hell because you think it’ll kill Jenny. Same thing.

Shane: I think she’s capable of it.

Alice: And that would be a bad thing?

Shane: You know you don’t mean that.

Does she? Doesn’t she?

Alice can’t understand why Shane is so “honor-bound” where Jenny is concerned, so Shane tries to explain.

Alice: Great! [getting comfy] Please explain to me.

Shane: I’m being serious.

Alice: I am too. I’m ready.

Hee. The First Friendship survives to the Last.

Shane says she feels like she’s been entrusted with a “lost child.”

Shane: And that I was given this opportunity to be … responsible for somebody else’s feelings.

Alice just sort of nods. Then she declares it “sick” and wonders why Shane chose Jenny for this, of all people.

Alice: The girl’s not even talented. She’s not even a nice person. She’s, like, a fraud. You know she stole my idea. You know it.

Shane: I don’t know that.

Alice: You know it because I told you!

Shane: Alice, it is your word against hers. It always has been.

I would like to see Alice and Jenny in a “your word against hers” battle – and by that I mean a vocabulary showdown. Jenny would eventually mangle a 50-cent word and Alice would declare victory with a phrase like “F— your mother!”

Alice insists that she can prove that Jenny stole her idea, but Shane doesn’t care. None of “this,” she explains, has anything to do with the treatment or with Jenny being “an artist or a good artist or anything else.” OK, but what about her being a bad artist? Wait: what is the “this” that we’re discussing, exactly? Never mind; just pass the popcorn.

Suddenly we’re back in the interrogation room with Alice. I don’t know what Sergeant Duffy has just asked – these questionless answers are baffling – but Alice is offering up some sort of Zenbian koan.

Alice: Women drive me crazy. I fall in love with women, but …

Huh? But what? Tell us, Alice! WHAT?!

And just like that, we’re back on Alicee’s bed. I don’t know what to do with these interrogation scenes. Except take off my glasses. Extreme close-up! Unnecessary zoom! Party time! Excellent!

Shane’s still trying to explain her need to take care of Jenny.

Shane: If I was to walk away from this, I think she’d go off the deep end. I really do. So it is a choice between my happiness and hers. That’s how I see it.

Alice can only sigh and cover her eyes.

You’re probably right, Shane, but maybe Jenny’s just an inherently unhappy person. It happens sometimes. So choose your own happiness and fly away like that dove on your Free City hoodie!

Hey, is their upside-down-ness a tip, telling us to how to approach this episode? We should all go to a text-flipping site and paste in some Season 6 dialogue or episode titles – maybe one of us will happen upon the key to the DaJenny code. And then we’ll all die, having opened Chaiken’s/Pandora’s box! Um. Eww, sorry.

Chorus of Erstwhiles: III

Angelica: Earth mama! Popcorn!

Toxic Tonya: Ooh, Shane has a girlfriend. Did you hear that, Dana honey? Even the Shanes of this world settle down eventually.

Mark: Who flipped the lens? Which camera is that?

Mr. Piddles: I am never going to leave this purrrfect bed.

Shay: Shane, remember when we were going to get a house? With Paige? Is she under the bed popping popcorn?

Fae Buckley: Bless you, Shane, and your generous soul. Now turn your back on Jenny and Satan and choose your true happiness: salvation!

Dawn Denbo: Hey, Alice: thank you. Nice face.

Dana: Who what how huh? Shane is in a relationship? With Jenny?! Yeah, I am SO sure. Mr. P., scoot over: I’m going to build a pillow fort to protect us from this crazy talk.

More inherent unhappiness – At Helena’s house, which might better be called the Peabody Arms (look at them!), Dylan is on her cell phone. She sees Helena approaching and hastily hangs up, which of course arouses Helena’s suspicions.

Helena: Who were you talking to just now?

Dylan: Nobody. Just a friend.

Helena: A friend called Nobody?

I’m nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too?

Dylan wonders just how long this suspicion will go on. I dunno – what’s the statute of limitations on extortion?

The interrogation room – Hey, remember in the recap for Episode 6.01, when I asked, “Can we please put Sergeant Mary Beth Duffy and Helena Peabody in a room together?” This isn’t what I had in mind. Especially because we still can’t really see Sgt. Duffy. Back up the damn camera already!

Helena: I know it’s a clichĂ©, but … being rich? It’s a curse.

Don’t forget being stunning. ‘Cause you’re both. Doubly cursed.

Helena explains that she never knows whether people really care for her or are just with her for the money. What about the beauty part? You have a lot to offer, Peabody. Throw in a sexy accent, and I’m pretty sure we all want to be with you for exactly who you are.

Cut back to Helena’s house – Dylan is stomping off, fueled by her indignation at constantly being a suspect. Why? Can’t you give Helena a little time to adjust? And can you really blame her for thinking you were doing the U-Haul thing?

Helena runs after her and begs her to stay. They stop on the stairway, where Helena hangs on Dylan very weirdly – the subjugated pose is kind of disturbing.

Cut back to the interrogation room briefly, where Helena confesses that even with Winnie (hey, Melissa Leo! See you on The Farm!), she just bought and sold people. That’s OK, Helena: most people are happy to be bought. I myself can be yours for the price of £0.00.

Back to the house. Did I say the pose on the stairway was disturbing? It gets even more unsettling as Dylan pushes Helena onto the kitchen counter and proceeds to make sexy time – asking Helena, “Do you trust me?” And then Dylan reaches for a nearby knife. But no, we don’t have a two-fatality finale: she just uses it to cut the strap of Helena’s top.

I’m sure this means I’m deranged, but I actually thought that was hot hot hot. Partly because of Dylan’s gorgeous hands.

Shane’s studio – Jenny is working on the tribute video. She’s smiling as Helena (on the video) explains why she was “such a bitch” when she first met Bette. Yeah, please do give us the backstory of your personality transplant.

Helena: My mother had always spoken about you with such great admiration. You were the daughter I could never be, the woman I would always have to measure up against.

Oh, is that why? You really want to blame Peggy instead of the writers? I wouldn’t. She won’t take it well.

Then Jenny watches a clip of Joyce and Phyllis, who say how much they’ll miss Bette and Tina (or, in Joyce’s case, how much she’ll miss double-billing them). Wait: is that all we get? Weren’t they supposed to get married? Why did they disappear? Did Gavin Newsom abduct them?

Now that’s what I’m going to miss – Bette and Tina are having sex. Yes! Thank you thank you thank you.

The afterglow isn’t immediately glowy, though.

Tina [with her head hanging off the bed backward, looking outside] Oh, my God, we should get Weezie to fix the railing before all these people come to our house.

Bette: [popping her head up from under the sheet] What did you just say?!

Tina quickly amends her statement: “I said, oh, my God, that was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had.” She starts to return the favor, but Bette wants some soul-deep kisses instead.

Thank you, Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman, for never holding back when you kiss.

Oh, and Bette wants one other little thing:

Bette: You know what I’d like to do when we get to New York?

Tina: What?

Bette: I’d like to marry you.

Tina: [gasping] Really?

Bette: Yeah, really.

Tina’s childlike delight is so lovely.

The scene lasts several more delicious minutes and features several more positions (of the cuddling and sleeping variety, but I’ll take it). Sigh and swoon and hooray! And Sade!

Cut to a brief interrogation room snippet.

Sgt. Duffy: What about Tina?

Bette: She’s the love of my life.

She said that while arranging herself and resettling her cufflinks, so you know she’s serious.

Chorus of Erstwhiles: IV

Angelica: Happy, happy mamas. Why are you so tired?

Toxic Tonya: Not this again. Dana, honey, let’s buy their house. I can sunbathe nude by the pool – I know how you like to see the Ton-Ton’s ta-tas.

Mark: Noooo! Don’t have the hot sex scene when I no longer live within shooting distance!

Mr. Piddles: [cleans face and purrs]

Shay: MILF sex! There are no associated PSAs, except that MILF is good.

Fae Buckley: [coughs and sputters, strangled by her own desire]

Dawn Denbo: Hey, Bette: thank you. Nice face. No, I mean it: thank you! For the very nice face!

Dana: It’s gross because they’re, like, my friends. But it’s so, so totally hot. Rewind!

An homage – Back in the pre-interrogation world, Bette and Tina are sitting on their back steps, having coffee and reading the paper. They see Shane walking by between their respective houses.

Bette: Hey!

Shane: Hey.

Bette: What are you doing out so early?

Shane: Goin’ home.

Shane declines to answer “from where” and then notices Bette and Tina’s body language.

Shane: [meaningfully] What have you guys been doing?

Bette narrows her eyes and Tina giggles. Yes, it’s all a callback to the very first episode, when Shane was walking home after a one-night stand. This time she’s walking home from a night of comforting brokenhearted Alice, and this time she looks much less emaciated. (Snarker has the comparison screenshots.)

It’s a nice reference to a happier time. But I wish it had included Shane’s line from the pilot, about Bette and Tina giving Shane hope that love can last. I guess hope is in short supply in Season 6.

They talk about Alice and Jenny. Bette doesn’t understand why Jenny is at Shane’s studio – the room of Shane’s own. Shane tries to make excuses for Jenny without giving anything away about the tribute video. But Bette doesn’t care why Jenny is using the studio.

Bette: This is bulls—, Shane. You know what I think it is? I think she needed to give you something so that she could have something else to take away from you.

Tina: Come on, Bette. That’s harsh.

Shane: Listen, I understand where you’re coming from. I really do. I’d like to think she’s not that calculated.

Tina: Yeah, I have to agree with Shane. I mean, basically, I think her heart’s in the right place.

Bette: Yeah, I think her heart is in the right place. I think she’s just misplaced her meds.

YEAH!

Chorus of Erstwhiles: V

Everyone: YES!

Dana and Mr. P.: Meee-ow!

Shane shrugs and nods and says, “Yeah.” Not the way I did.

But hey, this isn’t fair: just when I had given up on Jenny having her heart in the right place, we’ve come back around to that notion. Is she a menace or simply misguided? And can someone help me find my meds, please? Any meds, really. Doesn’t matter whether they’ll wake me up or calm me down or knock me out entirely: they’ll help. Wait, scratch that: if they’re going to knock me out entirely, skip it. The boring parts of this episode are already putting me in a stupor.

The interrogation room – It’s Tina’s turn to talk. And she’s talking about Kelly, the “vacant bombshell.” Tina admits that she’s felt some Kelly-related jealousy, which is sad – Kelly has nothing on Tina. A few inches in height, maybe, but several fathoms less in depth.

(As Tina talks about Kelly, the other officer – the one who isn’t Lucy Lawless – scribbles something on his notepad. I guess it’s shorthand, or maybe a secret code. Oh, crap: did I forget to send away for the Season 6 decoder ring?)

Tina: Kit calls her a vixen. You know, like a real predator type.

I wish she were a real Vixen type – as in that all-girl ’80s heavy metal band. That would have been more fun.

A never-ending nonsense non-scene – As Helena watches from her glass house (again, so subtle), Dylan talks on her cell phone, then gets in her Jeep and drives away.

And then the scene becomes a mishmash of random things. You can’t really call it a scene at all, so I apologize if this recap seems to lose all rhyme and reason.

Alice is eating licorice and talking to a cereal-eating Shane on the phone. She thinks Tasha and Jamie are having a “sexcapade.” She’s sure they’re having great sex because they have so much in common.

Alice: I’m sure they’re like, [in a deep, Tasha-esque voice] “Do you like it when I touch you like that? ‘Cause I like it when you touch me like that.”

Snicker. Oh, Alice. Even when heartbroken, you bring the funny.

Shane is concerned about Alice and suggests they have lunch, but before they can make plans, Jenny and Sounder II swirl back into Shane’s vicinity, so Shane hangs up.

Jenny is in a tizz about all the things she has to do in order to get everything ready for the party. Shane reassures and offers to run errands and do whatever else she needs.

Jenny: [to Sounder] She understands me, doesn’t she?

Don’t confuse capitulation with comprehension, Jenny. Oh, and Sounder? I know your instinct is not to bite the hand that feeds, but please: sink those canines in and never let go. And don’t limit yourself to the hand. The neck can be tasty too.

Next door, Bette and Tina are welcoming home Sonny, Kit and Angelica, who have spent the day at the zoo.

Bette: What did you see at the zoo?

Angie: Funny giraffe.

Bette: You did?

Sonny: Yeah, we saw an old giraffe with a goiter on his neck!

Angie is too much cuteness. And Sonny is pretty cute too – and his goiter line made me giggle. I guess he and Kit had dinner and worked out their differences, then? Glad we got to see that.

Sonny asks whether he can use the bathroom to change; he’s on the clock at the Hit club tonight as usual. Bette directs him to a nearby “powder room,” but Tina tells him that’s too small and sends him upstairs to the “fabulous new bathroom.” Bette (who – bless you, wardrobe – is wearing a tank top) doesn’t like this and makes a face at Tina after Sonny has gone.

Tina: The powder room is too tiny. He’s really big.

Kit: Hey, he won’t make a mess. He’s the neatest and the cleanest man I know.

Bette: That’s fine. However, he’s still a man.

Kit: Uh, and you’re saying …

Bette: Well, I just, you know. What if he forgets to put the toilet seat up or something?

Kit: [laughing in disbelief] You’re kidding me, right?!

Bette: No. I mean, I’m just not that crazy about the idea of some man in my beautiful new bathroom. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not a man-hater.

Kit: I don’t have to! Oh, my God!

Bette: There’s just some facets of man-ness that just make me queasy, that’s all.

Right on cue, in walks James. His pretty shirt doesn’t make me queasy in the least.

Kit: James, how do you put up with her? Tell me.

James: Uhhhh….

Bette: He never pees in my bathroom. Right?

James: Nope, never.

Kit: [near hysterics] Where do you pee?

Bette: Powder room.

Kit can’t believe her ears, and neither can I. What the ffaahhkk? Since when is Bette made queasy by man-ness? She has always treated men and women equally and seems to get along with men – remember her friendship with Tim? And wasn’t she the one who “used to swallow that stuff” when she and Tina first sought out sperm donors? And what about when her dying father was living with her – did Melvin have to use the powder room or wheel himself out to the backyard to pee?

I guess you could call this a reaction to Tina’s detour to man-land, but that still doesn’t really explain Bette’s vehemence. It’s sort of amusing, but it’s mostly bemusing. Or annoying. But hey, while we’re at it, let’s go ahead and reveal some other prejudices and foibles. Bette doesn’t let men use her bathroom, Tina has a second cell phone number that she uses only for her vegetarian friends, Helena refuses to eat at restaurants that employ youths with acne, and Alice has a special set of silverware for short people. This is the way that we live out our laughable phobias!

Shenny’s studio – Shane has run all those errands for Jenny.

Jenny: I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Shane: Oh, you’d manage, I’m sure.

Jenny: No, I wouldn’t. I’d probably kill myself.

Shane: Oh, stop.

Jenny: I’m going to leave everything to you.

Shane: Shhh.

Jenny: You’re my family.

Gosh, I guess Shane is a millionaire now! I hadn’t thought about that. OK, not quite a millionaire: a hundred-thousandaire. Half a mil for the movie rights minus $25K for a date with Niki minus fancy shoes for Sounder = Jenny’s probably barely got six figures left.

Jenny asks Shane whether she wants to see the clip Carmen sent for the tribute video. I do, I do! But Shane declines and leaves to shop for a present for Tina and Bette. As she goes, Dylan arrives.

Cut back to Bette and Tina’s house, where James is saying his good-byes. Tina asks him whether he’s ever thought about moving to New York.

Tina: Maybe you should come work for Bette.

James: She hasn’t offered me a job.

Bette: Well, that’s because I don’t have a job to offer, but I don’t know … as of right now, I don’t know that I ever will. I’m sort of liking the idea of Tina supporting me and me looking after children.

Tina, James, and Kit burst into uproarious laughter.

Bette: Why is that so funny?

Bette must have prepared (and sampled) some pot brownies for the party or something. Who is she?

But this little exchange is a good example of the “framily” thing Max was talking about. Thumbs up. Very clean, just-washed-in-the-powder-room thumbs.

Sonny has transformed into Sunset and is on his way to work. He kisses Angie good-bye.

Angie: Bye, Daddy.

Everyone’s shocked, of course, but Tina covers for all of them and says it’s “perfectly natural.” Bette gives Tina a look that says, “Who let that MAN in here?” and averts her eyes as Kit and Sunset kiss.

Aww. I’m happy for Kit. And how ironic is that – the one character who never gets any lines and never has much to do is the one with the happiest ending.

Cut to Alice, who is still on the phone, this time with Helena. Alice is still stewing about Tasha and Jamie, but she also happens to mention that Dylan is at Jenny’s studio. Helena (who is sewing up her freshly knifed shirt) is, of course, immediately suspicious.

Alice: Isn’t she helping Jenny edit?

Helena: I don’t know; is she?

Alice half-jokes that at first she thought Jenny and Dylan were having an affair.

Alice: And I was like, “Yay!” – but then I realized that would suck for you.

Sigh. Cut to Jenny/Shane’s studio, where Dylan is having a serious conversation with Jenny. It seems that Dylan knew about the Niki test all along, and wants to make sure Jenny won’t tell Helena that the test wasn’t a test at all.

Jenny: You lied to me. Now you’re asking me to lie to cover your lie.

Dylan: I didn’t lie to you. I confided in you.

Jenny: No, you lied to me. You really did.

What? I hear the words, but they make no sense. But, OK: apparently Dylan recognized Jenny’s voice on the phone when Jenny posed as Niki’s agent. She did? Did anybody tell Alex Hedison that at the time? Because she seemed totally fooled and totally sincere. I think the writers are trying to write their way out of something again. Probably that proverbial paper bag they’ve been stuck in for six seasons.

Jenny and Dylan continue to fight about who lied to whom and whether Helena should know that Dylan knew (ouch, my head), but it doesn’t matter: Helena is there. Right now. Listening. She calls Dylan a liar and a con artist.

Helena: None of this bodes well for a relationship that should be based on trust.

Jenny tries to interrupt, but the incredulous, incensed Helena ignores her.

Helena: [to Dylan] When you stood firm and rejected the pass that Niki made at you, that was just an act?!

Dylan: No, that was not just an act.

Helena: And when she [pointing to Jenny] spilled the beans at Max’s baby shower, she wasn’t really spilling anything?! Jesus, Dylan, that was such a good performance! You’ve been on the wrong side of the camera.

Helena starts to storm out, but Jenny stops her and tries to take the blame for the baby shower bit.

Helena: F— you, Schecter. You have interfered in my life enough now.

Whoa. I still don’t believe Dylan knew all along, and I’m generally confused. But I like it when Helena yells. Finally, something’s happening! Yellena!

Dylan follows Helena and tries to patch things up (again), but it’s too late. Helena finally, sadly says that she can never trust Dylan, thanks to “Jenny f—ing Schecter.”

Chorus of Erstwhiles: VI

Angelica: Did you see my scenes in there somewhere? My line delivery killed. Killed! And how cute was I?

Toxic Tonya: Who are these people? I don’t think they’ve ever even been to Dinah Shore.

Mark: Jenny has cameras now. Of course. Oh, of COURSE.

Mr. Piddles: [hissing at Sounder]

Shay: [snoring]

Fae Buckley: Oh, what a tangled web they’ve weaved. Practiced deceivers will burn in hell!

Dawn Denbo: Hey, Helena: wanna go out? I mean, now that you’re single and all.

Dana: What just happened? Where am I? My head is spinning. I think the soup chef must have put something funny in that fig martini she fixed for me.

Whew. That was the longest, muddiest overlapping collection of … something. Help.

Shopping – Shane is browsing at a swanky shop called Provide. And by “browsing,” I mean she’s clutching a big bowl and stumbling around looking bewildered. I’m right there with you, Shane. No stripey big brown bowl can shield us from the senselessness.

She gets in line to pay, and then spots someone over in the corner.

Shane: Molly?!

They talk. Shane tells Molly that Bette and Tina are moving to New York.

Molly: That’s great for them.

Shane: It is what it is.

Thanks, Stefan.

Molly talks about how “surprising” it is that Shane and Jenny are together. Yeah, that’s one word for it. Molly also mentions the night she dropped off Shane’s jacket. Yes, finally, that Chekhovian letter jacket goes off.

Molly: I wrote the letter because I wanted to say all this stuff, and –

Shane: I’m sorry, wait, um … uh … what letter are you talking about?

Molly: The letter. It’s in the pocket of the jacket that I gave to Jenny to give to you.

I think Shane is shrieking internally.

Molly: But it doesn’t matter. I’m really OK. You don’t owe me anything at all, really.

Molly acknowledges that she fell for Shane and fell apart “like a million other girls,” but now she’s fine. Trouble is, in Shane’s eyes, Molly’s not like any of those other girls. But Molly does seem happy and fine now. (So fine!)

They say their good-byes. Shane, in a daze, puts down the bowl and leaves. Go find that jacket, girl!

Finally, the good-bye party – Holy hell, how long is this episode? I know I’m being extra verbose in this recap, but still. Ordinarily we’re winding down, not up, at the 40-minute mark.

At Bette and Tina’s, Bette makes her way down the railing-less staircase to greet Alice.

Bette: Can I get you a drink?

Alice: Yeah, um, Captain Morgan’s and Coke. It’s my fourth of the day.

Bette: Nice work.

Alice: I started at 11 this morning.

Helena: Oh, God. [raising her own glass] You go, girl. Here’s to you, Alice.

Alice: Drinkin’ my way through it.

You and most of the audience. Whoa, Max: your ‘stache!

Have you just come from an audition for a local stage adaptation of Boogie Nights or something? Laurel was in that movie – she can probably give you some tips.

Helena asks Alice whether Tasha has called yet. Alice answers with her face instead of her voice. Then Alice asks where Dylan is, and gets a similarly pointed, nonverbal reply from Helena.

Bette: [under her breath] Oh, maleficent.

Tina: Lovely, Bette.

It is: Bette’s vocabulary is lovely. There’s no disputing that.

Helena: I think of Jenny as Kali, the goddess of destruction.

From minor demon to goddess in only six seasons! That’s the accelerated curriculum for aspiring fiends.

Alice asks for details, but Helena’s too tired to give them. And everyone else is too tired to hear them, I’d wager. So Alice moves on to wondering where Jenny and Shane are – they haven’t arrived yet.

Max: Maybe Shane threw a bucket of water on her and she melted.

They all crack up at this, and Alice declares it the “first mean thing” Max has ever said. I’d high-five you if I could, Max!

The interrogation room – At long last, we get to see more than a micrometer or a nanosecond of Sergeant Duffy.

Max is being questioned. He may have just called Jenny a witch at the party, but right now, Max is speaking very highly of her.

Max: She really saw me for who I am, you know? She helped me accept it. It’s one of the most important things that’s ever happened in my life. I never knew anyone who could see someone’s inner desires and thoughts quite like Jenny. It’s kind of scary, actually.

Yeah; that’s part of the demon-in-training course of study. Soul-Peering and Inner Darknesses 102.

Back at the party, Alice makes an announcement.

Alice: OK. I have decided to make up with [Jenny]. For Shane’s sake.

Aw. Clearly Alice is an affectionate drunk. And the generosity of spirit is contagious:

Bette: Really? OK [raising a glass], well, let’s all give it a try. I mean, why not?

I guess they’re all affectionate, happy drunks. Let’s call the governor while we’re at it, and get him to issue some pardons! Helena is the only one who doesn’t whole-heartedly join in the toast. Instead of clinking her glass with everyone else’s, she shakes her glass and sneers. Yeah, I’m feeling shaky too. Make up with Jenny? Uh … why? I mean, it’s nice and all, but what about the destruction and manipulation and general Schecterian trickery? We’re just going to let it slide?

The interrogation room – Helena is (presumably) still talking about her inability to trust her lovers. It’s easier with friends.

Helena: My friends are different. Tina, Bette … Alice, Tasha, Shane, Max, Kit. Especially Kit.

Cop who isn’t Sgt. Duffy: What about Jenny?

Helena turns, startled. No doubt she realizes that leaving Jenny off that list doesn’t exactly look good. But she’s probably also startled by the mere suggestion that anyone would consider Jenny a friend at this point.

Bette and Tina’s media room – Jenny is setting up the tribute video. But Kit “has a bone to pick” with her. Jenny sighs. Here we go.

Kit asks her to let go of the Kelly thing.

Jenny: Do you actually think that I want to hurt Bette and Tina?

Well, yeah, actually! You don’t? “Then don’t,” says Kit. And it does seem that simple, doesn’t it? But apparently it’s much more complex in Jenny’s mind.

Jenny: [pleading] I don’t want to be involved in this. I can see that I’m making everybody uncomfortable. I can see that my friends don’t want to be around me anymore. That they want me to shut the f— up and go away.

Kit nods and purses her lips. Girl.

Jenny: I just wanna do the right thing.

The … what? Hold up. She thinks she’s doing the right thing?!

OK, bear with me a minute, because maybe that’s actually possible. What if Jenny really does think she’s helping her friends? I started pondering this and realized it’s not too difficult to match up each of Jenny’s targets with one of the seven deadly sins:

Lust: Shane

Gluttony: Niki (not food – fame, attention)

Greed: Tina (if you see her as a tool of the movie-ruining Shaolin people)

Sloth: Max (OK, maybe not. But remember his dirty feet!)

Wrath: Helena (she gets really mad!)

Envy: Alice (she envied Jenny’s screenwriting career)

Pride: Bette

Bette and Shane are the only ones that need no explanation. The others are kind of a stretch. But Jenny’s mind is so stretchy, it’s like Silly Putty, so who knows. I’m just saying: what if all along, she really has been trying to do the right thing?

Hmm. I think I’ve just rocked my own world by considering that possibility. Because if Jenny really doesn’t know that she’s been hurting people – or thinks she’s been hurting them in the service of some higher good – then her story is truly tragic.

I wish Peggy Peabody could come hold me and tell me it’s going to be all right.

Kit asks Jenny whether she has proof of the supposed affair between Kelly and Bette. Jenny claims not to want to show Kit the proof, but – of course – she does.

Jenny plugs her iPhone into the flat-screen TV on the wall and tells Kit to press play. Dorothy Snarker has already questioned the whole video-on-an-iPhone thing. Surely Jenny would have no idea how to jailbreak her phone, but maybe Max the computer whiz set it up for her. But I won’t pursue that further, mostly because I’m too sad. Kit’s face is saying, “I guess I have to go back to thinking of my sister as a pooty-chasing dog who deserves to be tied down and whupped upside the head.”

Chorus of Erstwhiles: VII

Angelica: Mama B in a movie?

Toxic Tonya: I am totally uploading that everywhere.

Mark: Who has the rapey camera now? Huh? WHO?

Mr. Piddles: Can you change the channel to Animal Planet, please?

Shay: I don’t think I’m allowed to see TV-MA-LSV.

Fae Buckley: Was that my daughter? Where did you get that tape?!

Dawn Denbo: Heh. Heh heh heh. You dog, Bette.

Dana: Great. I got cancer and died – me, everybody’s favorite – but evil Jenny was allowed to live? Look what she’s doing to my friends! Screw you. All of you. Let’s go to Howie’s house, Mr. P. I hear he has some good weed.

The interrogation room – It’s a good thing we have these glimpses of Sgt. Duffy to keep us going.

It seems Bette is being asked to describe her friends.

Sgt. Duffy: Jenny Schecter.

Bette: Very complex. Uh … talented. Self-destructive. Sometimes very generous, but complicated. Complex.

Yeah. What she said. Can we just put that on Jenny’s tombstone right now?

Shane and Jenny’s house – Shane is frantically searching Jenny’s things. She rifles through drawers, rummages in boxes, and finally goes to the closet and looks up at the attic trapdoor.

Eeek! Here it comes! I’m scared!

Shane ascends and finds the jacket and the letter. She falls to her knees and reads it with a racing heart.

Aw, Shane. I’m sorry.

She heaves a heavy sigh, then stands up to go. Her foot catches on something, a raincoat or tarp or whatever, and she reveals – gasp!! – the Lez Girls negative.

OMG! I totally didn’t see that coming. I thought the case of the stolen negative was going to be just another unsolved mystery. Jenny! Bad, bad, bad! I was expecting to see a dead body or an assortment of voodoo dolls in the attic, but this? Quelle horreur!

The interrogation room – Tina’s been listening to the fans.

Sgt. Duffy: Tell us about the movie. What’s it called?

Tina: It was called Les Girls. Or Lez Girls. Everybody pronounced it differently.

Snort. That kind of nod to the audience is what season finales are for.

The house that’s not a home for much longer – Bette shows everyone the master bedroom. It’s pretty stunning. I want a two-headed shower! Hmm. Yeah, that sounds dirty no matter how you say it.

Tina warns everybody to be careful around that unfinished railing. How many times do we have to hear about the damn railing?!

The interrogation room – Oh, hey, Tasha. How’d you end up at the police station? We all thought you were AWOL for the drowning scene. It’s nice to be wrong about that!

Tasha: Alice has one of the biggest hearts of anybody I know.

But then Tasha says that Alice takes risks, which isn’t a smart move. What are they teaching you at that police academy, Tasha? How to incriminate your (maybe) girlfriend?

A confrontation – Back in the fabulous new bathroom, Max can’t believe Tina and Bette aren’t going to get to enjoy their new place. Bette hints that they “already have.” Everyone approves of that intimation.

Kit interrupts and asks to talk to Bette. Oh boy.

Alice, Max and Helena leave the sisters alone. Kit tells Bette about the iPhone video and gets upset when Bette denies that anything happened between her and Kelly.

Kit: Girl, stop, stop! I saw it. Jenny showed me this video that she shot through your window. With your face in between Kelly’s legs.

Bette: [furious] That’s not possible. That’s bull—!

Kit: I saw it. She did it. Don’t lie to me.

Bette: [yelling] It’s impossible!

Ugh. I don’t like it when they fight. And I don’t see how Bette can talk her way out of this one, even though she’s innocent.

While Kit and Bette holler at each other, Alice, Helena and Max have wandered downstairs and are wondering where everybody is. And Shane has just pulled Tina next door for a tour of the attic. Gosh, what a swell party this is!

The interrogation room – Huh? Niki?!

Niki: Don’t I get to have a lawyer here?

Sgt. Duffy: No, you’re entitled. I think that the reason that none of the others have asked for a lawyer is uh … well, they really trust one another.

Niki: What do you mean, they really trust one another?

Sgt. Duffy: Well, I think that they feel that, uh, no one of them is gonna say anything that would hurt the other. You know, they’re very, very close. And boy, they are looking out for one another.

Niki looks nervous and is probably thinking she’s in danger of being sold out by the others. Come on, Niki: that’s the oldest trick in the book. Do you actually watch movies, or do you only star in them? I think Sgt. Duffy was actually having trouble keeping a straight face in that scene. So to speak.

During this little exchange, we get another glimpse of the investigative notepad. It’s the same shot we saw before. That is totally the key to the mystery, isn’t it? Damn. Why didn’t I take a steno class like my mom told me to?

Gathering her audience – Jenny asks everyone to come to the media room to watch the video. No, not that video – the tribute video.

Helena and Alice are sitting in a swivel chair with their backs to Jenny. They spin around to face her, like villains in an underground lair. Muahahahaha!

Jenny explains that they should get started because the video is three hours long. Three hours?! Of course it is. So is this episode, I think.

But I find myself feeling sorry for Jenny. She seems so eager and genuine, like a kid who just wants to please her framily. After causing them so, so much pain.

Next door – Tina is beholding the negative reels in the attic. She and Shane can only shake their heads and drop their jaws in awe.

Stealing things and hiding them in the attic – more than everything else she has done – really makes Jenny seem crazy. Seriously, dangerously delusional. Oh, the marvels and wonders that must teem and fester in the space between those Monet-frequency ears!

Upstairs at Bette’s – Jenny is standing on that railing-less balcony, looking for Bette. She’s not quite prepared for what she finds.

Bette: Look, I just want you to know something. My family, and the life that I have worked so hard to build for them, means everything in the world to me. And there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to preserve or protect them.

Jenny: I would never do anything to hurt your family, Bette. I love you. I love Tina.

Bette: Well, I’m glad to hear that. Because you know what, I don’t really care –

Jenny: OK.

Bette: – if you think that I f—ed Kelly. All I really care about is that you know that I will not abide anyone who threatens my family.

The controlled crescendo of Bette’s rage is beautiful and terrible. Abide! She won’t abide it! Push her off, Bette! Do it!

Jenny just looks Bette in the eye.

Cut to the interrogation room, where we once again see Bette – who is nervous, tense, on the verge of tears – describing Jenny. Complicated. Complex.

The media room – Tina is looking for Jenny and muttering to herself.

Tina: [to herself] How could you f—ing do that to me? How could you f—ing do that to me? I’m just gonna put her out of her f—in’ misery.

The tribute video is playing, sans audience. And there’s Tim, sending Bette and Tina his best wishes and thanking his lucky stars that he didn’t end up with “that nutcase, Jenny.”

Tim: Ha-ha. Just kidding, Jenny. Come on. You know I love you.

It’s possible she doesn’t know anything at all right now, except what happens when you die. I just want to know what happened up there on that balcony.

Making up and breaking up – Outside, Alice tells Shane that she’s decided to forgive Jenny and make peace with her.

Shane: Why?

Alice: I’m alone now, and I need my friends. And you guys are gonna be together.

Shane: We’re not together.

Alice: I thought you said you couldn’t break up with her.

Shane: That was then.

And this is now, and Jenny is definitely an outsider. Stay gold, Ponyboy!

The interrogation room – Alice has a question.

Alice: What does this have to do with who killed Jenny? I don’t understand, at all, these questions.

Sgt. Duffy: Ah. So you think someone killed Jenny.

Oops.

A meeting of the minds – Bette and Tina happen upon each other. Bette was just checking on Angie, and Tina was just getting a sweater. Tina starts to try to talk to Bette about “something” (panic floods Bette’s face), but Max interrupts. He was just getting a sweater too, you see. They’re all nervous. Then they all smile at each other, as if to congratulate themselves on finding reasons to disappear for a few minutes there. Ah, the old sweater alibi.

Max tells them that he felt a kick for the first time today, so Bette and Tina hug him and touch his belly. Softly, Max says, “I guess that’s my little baby.” Aww.

Outside, Sounder circles the pool, whimpering. What is it, pup? Did Jenny fall down the well?

The tribute video – Everyone – except Jenny – has gathered in the media room to watch the tribute video. There are tributes from Angus (ugh), Ivan (cool!), Peggy (the queen), Jodi (whuh?), Marina (wow) and Carmen (yyyessss).

That was fun, but how much more fun would it have been if they had actually, um, shown up?

The core framily members speak on the video too, assuring Bette and Tina that they’ll always be in their hearts.

As our heroines watch, they wonder where Jenny is. But they don’t really wonder too much – not enough to pause the video. Finally Alice, as the agent of forgiveness and change, goes to find Jenny.

She comes back sobbing and hysterical.

As the ambulance and police cars arrive and we return to the opening scene of the season, I get chills: I mean, Jenny was floating in the pool while they all celebrated their friends and their lives. That’s eerie and morbid as hell. But speaking of hell, what is that music?! Lee Ann Womack? No. Nomack.

Suddenly we see some cops outside, telling Niki to put her hands in the air as she emerges from the bushes. The bushes?! She goes inside, where of course everyone wonders what she’s doing there.

Niki: [to Shane] I came to talk to Jenny. I saw what was going on at the dance marathon, and I just saw the way that she was keeping you like a prisoner –

Shane: Niki, shut up. Niki, shut up!

So many motives. So little crime. Or maybe one big group crime. You decide! It’s all up for grabs.

Outside, Tasha – yay! – tries to convince a cop that it’s OK to let her go inside because she’s a student at the police academy. Uh, why would that help? But apparently it works. Inside, Tasha pulls Alice into a hug.

Tasha: I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.

Really? You’re not? Whew.

Sgt. Duffy surveys the group and decides she’s not ready to part with them just yet.

Sgt. Duffy: You know, I’m afraid this is gonna take a bit longer than we thought.

Bette: Well, we’ll do whatever you need for us to do.

Kit: We’ll cooperate with you.

Tina: Yeah, we’re a very tight-knit group.

Shane: And we take care of each other.

Alice: None of us did anything wrong. We don’t know what happened out there.

Helena: You probably just want us to come down to the station. Right?

Sgt. Duffy: That would be great.

She winked! Did you see that? Lucy Lawless totally winked at me.

Just plain sad – In the media room, Jenny is on the screen. She offers her final soliloquy to no one at all.

Jenny: You guys, um … you guys changed my life. Wow, you really did. And I’m never gonna forget you. So thank you for everything. OK?

Not really, no. It’s not really OK. I’m sorry you had to end this way, Jenny.

Chorus of Erstwhiles: VIII

Everyone: Good-bye.

Dana: [sighing] Come on, Jenny. I’ll show you around the afterlife.

A surreal police station – Cars pull up to the station. There’s Shane’s Jeep, Alice’s Mini, Bette and Tina’s Lexus, Kit’s badass boat.

Accompanied by a macabre screechy-strings-with-bass-and-drums version of the theme song (alas, we didn’t entirely escape it), they stroll into the station. The scene morphs into a kind of curtain call. One by one, they sashay in slow motion as if on their own private runway, first with blank faces and then – beginning with Bette and Tina, as everything must – with a glint of something like triumph in their eyes. Their smiles say … what? So much. Nothing at all.

Eventually Jenny herself joins them, her own cryptic expression taking on a new pallor.

Farewell, friends.

Postmortem – Well. That’s that. No play-by-play (or even hint-by-hint) of the murder; no univocal answer to the question of “Who killed Jenny?” Instead, we have a chorus – of primaries, not erstwhiles. Maybe she fell; maybe she jumped; maybe they all killed her, Ă  la Murder on the Orient Express (but where’s our Hercule Poirot to spell it all out?). Maybe Jenny’s not actually dead, having learned how to breathe underwater while she was studying the language of manatees and beluga whales.

The sauntering, slyly smiling curtain call was even more confounding. It felt like a show of solidarity, but they also looked a little diabolical – cracked somehow. What were the actresses trying to convey as they floated over the lights of L.A. one last time?

Leaving a mystery unsolved is risky. You might call it hubristic, cheeky or ballsy. You might call it maddening, infuriating, disappointing or frustrating. Forget the “might” and the “or”; it’s fair to call it all of those. But – and I know I’m in the tiny minority here – you might also call it a way to let the characters live on, or a way to let the audience choose its own adventure. Believe it or not, I ain’t mad at that ending.

If I haven’t lost you with that last sentence, I’ll say a little more on the subject: I like series finales that let me imagine the characters going on, living their lives, continuing without me. An open-ended finale gives me room to picture them on different paths. Without answers, I can ask “what if?” The finale of The Sopranos was a little too formless, leaving me nothing but Journey lyrics to hook my daydreams to. And Six Feet Under (a truly moving finale) was a little too finalized, leaving me only enough room to wonder how they got to where they’re going. But I like wondering what Melanie and Lindsay are up to in Canada, or what Buffy and Faith and Dawn did after Sunnydale became a crater. (I’m ignoring the BTVS comic book for the moment!)

So, what if? What if Jenny’s death has changed everything? Maybe Tina will go back to Shaolin Studios with the Lez Girls negative in her vindicated hands. Maybe Shane will get Molly back. Maybe Alice will get to work on that talk-show-host-and-cop film after all. Maybe Bette will finally feel safe and stable now that she no longer has to worry about protecting her family from a Jenny-shaped threat (just a negligence-shaped lawsuit). Well, one of those isn’t really possible: Alice is going to The Farm and thus to jail. But for the rest, the sky’s the limit and I can picture them in lots of different futures.

Or maybe I’m just brainwashed now, and have learned to accept that the threads of The L Word are, more often than not, left to flutter and flap in the winds of the writers’ whims. Why should this story line – yes, even this major, central story – come to a satisfying end? We’ve all noticed the many out-of-character moments on the show. I think it’s fair to say that tying things up in a big bow would be out of character for Chaiken herself. (Not that I didn’t want her to fix that particular flaw – and many others – in her writerly character. I did, many times over these six seasons, but not in the finale. That would almost feel like a slap in the face, to fix that stuff now.)

Plot holes and dead threads aside, I liked the surprisingly raw tone of the episode (not counting the snoozy first half). To me, the finale did what the season as a whole tried (and mostly failed) to do: give us a peek into the darker side of this shiny, happy, pretty group of friends. Whether or not anyone actually murdered Jenny, the characters’ baser instincts were exposed over the last eight episodes, and several carefully laid plans turned out to have weak foundations. Unfortunately, that’s as far as it went – nobody really confronted those crises, despite all the processing – but the finale did give us a glimpse of the group’s response to their shaken-up snow globe: their collective instinct is to circle the wagons, possibly at the expense of individual morals and without much concern for the truth. Twisted, yes, and way too deep and far too ambitious for this show, but fascinating anyway.

Shrug. Or maybe it’s all a big f— you to the audience: “You hate Jenny? Fine – she’s dead, and I won’t tell you how she died! Neener neener!”

I do know one thing for certain: that was a big waste of Lucy Lawless’s considerable talents. A few more shots of that smirk and swagger could have made it all so, so much better.

Viva la revoluciĂ³n – Just before the finale, we got to enjoy a “finale special,” a look back at the show. It reminded me how very exciting it was when the show first started. That didn’t last, but I won’t soon forget the feeling. And we’ll all feel the lack of a lesbian-centric show – most keenly on Sunday nights. There were frustrations, mishaps and wasted opportunities, but there was a show. On TV. About lesbians. So for that, I say this: Thank you, Ilene.

A personal postscript – Just over a year ago, I said so long to AfterEllen.com, and now I’m saying it again. Thank you for reading my ramblings all these years. Keep in touch (scribegrrrl [at] gmail) or follow me on Twitter. Don’t take any wooden nickels, and watch out for those unfinished railings!

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