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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.07 “Last Couple Standing”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Style: What this episode favors over substance.

Lessons: Jenny’s new favorite L word, apparently.

Happy: What Alice wants Tasha to be. No matter how much it hurts.

THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Marlee Matlin shakes a tail feather; Alexandra Hedison apologizes; Roger Cross takes a stand; Kate French regresses Shane; Mei Melançon faces the music.

THREAT COUNT: Thus far in Season 6, six characters have threatened Jenny’s life: Niki, after Jenny made the “showmance” comment; Tina, when she thought Jenny had stolen the Lez Girls negative; Max, for Jenny’s unrelenting disrespect; Alice, because Jenny stole her idea for a film; Helena, because Jenny told Dylan about the surveillance; and Bette (this episode – read on).

Previously, on an imaginary episode – Did you catch that scene at the end of the “previously”? The one in which Tasha mentioned the dance marathon, and Bette offered to help, and Jamie encouraged everyone to “show up and dance”? Yeah, I’m pretty sure we never actually saw that. But without that setup, this episode would seem to come out of left field. Oh, wait – it seems like that anyway.

One more note before we begin: this recap may seem to have too many images, ratio-to-text-wise. But, well, this episode was very visual. It offered lots to look at and didn’t have much to say. So I’m helplessly following suit.

The dance marathon fund-raiser – At the Hit club, it’s time to boogie down to raise money for the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center. This dance marathon is brought to you by the defunct OurChart.com. Accordingly, this fund-raiser isn’t really raising anything but questions: Why don’t we actually get to donate? Why isn’t the phone number for the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center crawling across the bottom of the screen? Where’s the requisite PSA at the end of the episode, complete with black-clad Mama C. in a director’s chair? What is the bass-drum-thumping point of all this?

But let’s play pretend. The theme for the night is “Dance Through the Decades,” which apparently means that everyone should feel free to wear any costume whatsoever. Alice has organized this shindig, just like she promised Jamie she would, and she has brought her “A” game – or at least her “A” for attitude.

Alice: Tasha, Jamie and I are gonna wipe the floor with you. Our routine kills. Kills!

Bette: [dismissive] Oh.

Alice: Do you want to know what it is?

Bette: Not really.

Alice: Oh, I see. You’re trying to psych me out, acting like you don’t care. I know you care. Listen: you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine.

Bette: Mmm … no.

Alice: [reaching for Bette’s bag] These your outfits?

Bette: Don’t touch that. [looking at Alice’s outfit] What, is that … is that all you got?

Alice: Oh, yeah – first of many. So many more to come.

Bette: Oh, good. ‘Cause I was worried.

Alice: [still wanting to see Bette’s outfits] What do they look like?

Bette: Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?

Alice: Why are you so competitive?

Bette: Me? What about you?

How adorable is Alice in her goofy getup? Her look is sort of Amy Winehouse meets Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.

I’d call that a Crayola shirt or a shrinky-dink shirt. I’d also call it hilarious when Alice asks Bette why she’s so competitive. Why is Bette so competitive? Really? Her?

That’s like asking why the sky is blue, or why Shane is so libidinous, or why sugar is sweet, or why snow is cold, or why music is melodious, or why staircases have steps, or why water is wet, or why math involves numbers, or why sunshine is bright, or why theater is live, or why the Hallmark Channel is sappy, or why photography is visual, or why doors allow egress, or why lesbians like women, or why Obama is hope, or why jalapeños are spicy, or why Angelina Jolie is a mother, or why words are linguistic, or why wheels are round, or why the recession is depressing, or why work is laborious, or why Meryl Streep is sublime, or why Manhattan real estate is expensive, or why locks have keys, or why lemons are sour, or why Chaiken is egomaniacal. In short, Q.E.D. or D.U.H.

Alice pulls Bette aside (like, two feet aside, which is obviously more private) to tell her that she is planning to win all three competitions: best dance, most money raised, last couple standing.

Bette: Last couple standing?

Alice: You know, for charity.

Not to be confused with “for eternity,” which is what Bette and Tina plan to be.

As Alice bounces away, Bette calls after her.

Bette: Hey, Alice.

Alice: Yeah?

Bette: [looking around at the spectacle of the fund-raiser] Look what you’ve done.

Alice: I know, right?

Bette: [to herself] So cute.

Aww, it’s nice to be reminded that Bette and Alice are great friends who go way back. They’ve survived everything together, from operatic finger-f—ing to Dana’s death. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll survive the end of this series.

But not if Jenny has anything to say about it. She shows up out of nowhere and asks to speak to Bette privately. So, you know, in that special zone two feet over. Where can I get one of these portable invisible privacy bubbles?

Jenny: Did you tell [Tina] what happened?

Bette: When?

Jenny: After the opening. When she was out of town.

Bette: Yeah, I told her all about it.

Jenny: You told her about you and Kelly. How she came back to your house and you had sex with her.

Whaaaaaaat? Oh, Jenny. We knew this was coming, but it’s still so irredeemably diabolical. You suck.

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Bette: What?! [laughing]

Jenny: It’s not funny! I saw you through the window. You weren’t even trying to hide it, Bette.

Bette: Look, I don’t know what you think you saw, but I can tell you that however it appeared, nothing happened.

Jenny: Then what did I see, Bette?

Bette: I don’t know. You tell me. What did you see, Jenny?

Jenny: [shaking her head] I know this is hard. And I know that you’re trying to be better, this isn’t easy –

Bette: Look, nothing happened. Kelly came over, and she was drunk. She spilled her drink, I cleaned it up, that’s the end of the story. Let it go.

Jenny: Tina is my friend. You know how it works: people find out about these things.

Bette’s expressions in this scene are lethal.

And I have to step away from the drama for a moment to say that I love the little anger line she gets at the top of her nose now. Age is doing beautiful things to Jennifer Beals.

But Jenny: oh, Jenny. You won’t even let Bette explain? Because Tina is your “friend”? No. Because you’re hell-bent on revenge against a universe that has bewildered and battered you. Because life has disappointed you and you’re bound and determined to make sure it wrecks everyone else. Or not even any of that: because you can, and because you’re mean. It might be that basic.

I long for the days of shroomy rides in strangers’ vans. Sounds like bliss, relatively speaking!

Just in time, Tina shows up. She and Bette greet each other, though of course Bette is nervous and not very effusive. Tina sees Jenny and recognizes that something’s up, but doesn’t ask what – probably because something’s always up with Jenny. Tina and Bette turn their backs on Jenny and go to the registration table.

Bette looks back at Jenny with fear and loathing.

The dressing room – As wannabe dancers get ready around them, Bette and Tina talk about Tina’s trip to NYC. It was a very good trip indeed: Tina was offered a job.

Tina: Head of production.

Bette: For Focus Features? That’s f—ing fantastic!

Bette declares Tina a “f—ing rock star” and spins her around and plants a kiss on her. I’m desperate for anything TiBette these days – especially anything that doesn’t involve mothering or apologies for past indiscretions – so I feel like I’ve been spun around too. Whee!

But then Tina has to stop the careening carousel. You see, the job is in New York. Bette is stunned, but not immediately opposed – Alice, however, is dead set against it. She’s been listening from behind some dressing-room curtains, whence she presently emerges with a flower and a frown on her face.

Alice: Your friends are here. Hello? And Bette, by the way, your work is here. You just had a really big gallery opening.

As Dorothy Snarker pointed out, Alice looks like she’s ready to audition for Hair. And doesn’t she make a cute hippie? I’d happily go to a be-in, drop-out, love-in with her. Speaking of Hair (and of dancing), I went to that Broadway concert for marriage equality last week. It was marvelous and included a performance of “Let the Sunshine In” by the current Hair cast. It also featured the perfect thing to make any dance-a-thon hop: Purple Haze doing “Single Ladies.” Woh oh oh!

Anyway, yes, there are many reasons for Bette and Tina to stay in L.A., including the construction on their house, but there are also many reasons why Alice should stay out of it and let them make their own life decisions. Especially when she brings up Marci, the birth mother. She doesn’t like the idea of Marci moving in with Bette and Tina.

Alice: Have you not seen Baby Mama?

Well, yeah. That’s why I’ve been bringing it up as a source of ripped-off material all season. Alice seems to think Baby Mama was a tragedy or a horror film rather than a comedy, so she predicts nothing but disaster for Bette, Tina and Marci. And more than that.

Alice: One of you guys could end up having an affair with her.

Oh, come on! I made that joke in the last recap because it’s such a completely ridiculous idea!

Rather than laughing at the ludicrousness, Bette takes offense – having been so recently accused of something equally unthinkable. She insists she is not a “f—ing loose cannon that just f—s everthing that walks.”

Alice: I didn’t say it was gonna be you. [after a pause] Is Marci hot?

Bette: Alice!

Tina: Freaking stop it.

Alice: Oh, you guys. You’re bringing me down, man, OK? [leaving] Peace, my sisters.

Peace! Love! More spinning around and congratulating and kissing!

Jerry Lewis, eat your heart out – Tonight’s emcee is DJ Sunset Boulevard, and he’s not happy with the state of the fund-raising thermometer. As he works the crowd, Helena and Tina look down from the V.I.P. balcony and chat about recent events. Tina apologizes for pushing Helena into the surveillance thing, but Helena admits that she was “complicit.” And I will admit that it turns me on when Helena uses words like “complicit.”

Tina: She’s in love with you.

Helena: Then where is she?

Well, Alex Hedison was in the opening credits, so I’m guessing she’s not far.

It was interesting to see Tina and Helena in a tête-à-tête, wasn’t it? They had sex once – why doesn’t Jenny take a picture of them and then accuse Tina of cheating on Bette? Oh, right: because Tina is her friend. With friends like her … I think I’d rather hang out with ex-roomie Mark and his rapey cameras. Whose camera is rapey now, Jenny?

DJ Sunset introduces Jamie Chen of the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center. Oh, right – I forgot that Jamie had a life outside of Tasha and Alice, since we haven’t had the pleasure of seeing her in any other contexts lately. And look how pleasant she is in her costume tonight.

I could guess that she and Alice and Tasha are attempting some sort of Village People vibe. But I’m too distracted by the sight of Jamie and Sunset as the Phases of Cher.

Jamie introduces Alice, who introduces Marie, the writer of the letter that lost Alice her job and took her to The Center in the first place. In other words, we interrupt this episode for a PSA about homeless gay teens. And yet we still don’t get to make a real-life donation to the Jeff Griffith Youth Center – such a wasted opportunity.

While all of this going on, we get a glimpse of Jenny in some sort of Fashion Plates outfit.

I’m pretty sure I created that exact beret-and-drawstring-bodice mess when I was 10, though my model was probably wearing pants and exhibiting less malice.

Jenny is making her way toward Tina and Bette, so when Alice calls for someone to step onto the stage and kick off the fund-raising, Bette volunteers – mostly to get herself and her loved one away from the she-demon. They pledge $1500, which gets a tepid cheer from the throng of extras.

DJ Sunset calls someone very special to the stage: the “beautiful, mystical and incomparable” Miss Kit Porter. And what a stunningly ‘fro-licious badass she is.

Ah, Pam Grier. I’ve waited six seasons for this. Coffy has finally arrived.

From fierce to funny, Pam Grier is still awesome. Girl!

An empty dance card – Elsewhere, Helena dodges Jenny’s apology for the Dylan mess and takes refuge in the company of Tasha, Alice and Jamie. Alice tells Helena to ignore the “certifiable” Jenny and wonders where Helena’s number is for the competition. But Helena doesn’t have a partner. (I’m sure she’d thank me sarcastically for the double entendre there.)

Jamie: Helena, you should dance with me.

Jamie is a mensch in the best sense of the word. And Tasha tells her so, after Alice and Helena have gone off to get Helena a number.

Tasha: That was nice of you.

Jamie: It’s no big deal. I’m happy to dance with her.

Tasha: [noticing that Jamie is gazing at her] What?

Jamie: [chuckling and shaking her head] If you don’t know, I’m not gonna tell you.

Oh, sigh. Maybe Jamie isn’t such a mensch after all. Or maybe Tasha is simply irresistible in the hat she borrowed from Rudy on Fat Albert.

Finally the dancing begins. Bette (who appears to be dancing with her white half) suddenly notices that Jodi is among the revelers. Tina tells Bette to ignore Jodi, but Bette gets even more worried when she sees Jodi and Jenny embrace. This alliance of enemies prompts Bette to try to tell Tina what’s going on, but Alice interrupts.

Alice: Is Jamie acting weird?

Tina and Bette try to reassure Alice, but they’re not very convincing. And after Alice leaves, they acknowledge the possibility that Tasha and Jamie are experiencing something possibly “weird” together.

Tina: What if they are? That would so suck.

Yeah. Almost as much as it will suck when Jenny tells Tina what she thinks she knows. But for now, Bette just wants to dance her troubles away. Shake it, sister! Only – hmm. Shake it a little less dorkily, if you can. Or are the widely swinging shoulders part of your costume? Not that I can dance, but I expect more from you stunning, tall types.

A bathroom break – It’s time for the first 15-minute break of the competition. And that’s enough time for Bette to go to the ladies’ room and bump into Jodi, who isn’t feeling very friendly.

Bette: Are we really gonna do this?

Jodi: What?

Bette: Not say hello.

Jodi: Jenny told me about you and Kelly.

Bette: [scoffing] And you believed her?! She thinks that she saw something. Nothing happened.

Jodi: Then why did Kelly tell me it did?

Whaa!? Whoa! Kelly’s not even there, is she? I think I (and Bette) would have noticed her statuesque, Gorgonian form on the dance floor.

Bette asks Jodi what Kelly said – exactly. But Jodi doesn’t answer. Is Jodi just making this up to twist the knife even deeper? Very possibly, because she answers an unasked question instead:

Jodi: I’m glad I dodged a bullet with you. It’s Tina I feel sorry for.

Ouch. As Jodi leaves, Bette utters a threat under her breath: “Goddamn it, Jenny. F— you, you f—ing bitch.”

At first I thought she was directing that at Jodi, and I’m glad that’s not the case – that just wouldn’t seem right, despite Jodi’s continued cruelty toward Bette.

Ugh. Such drama. I know that a couple of episodes ago, I said Alice had the best reason to dispatch with Jenny, but now I think Bette does. Get her!

A line dance – The competition has resumed and everyone is doing a line dance. I don’t know where or how they learned it, exactly, because the dancing kids on stage are doing something else entirely.

Anyway, as they do the dance, our heroines find themselves alternating conversation partners, depending on who’s facing whom – first Bette talks to Shane, then to Jenny, then back to Shane. This whole thing is reminding me of Grease. Where’s Marty Maraschino when you need her? The hand jive would have been way more fun than a line dance.

And a line dance is definitely a weird setting for the fairly serious dialogue that’s being lobbed back and forth. Shane begs Bette and Tina not to move to New York – yes, rumor-mill Alice has been at it again – while Jenny asks Bette, “Did you tell her?” And Tasha and Jamie talk about whether Tasha is “inspired” to volunteer at the Center. It sorta seems like Tasha is inspired to do something else.

Alice asks Helena whether she senses anything between Tasha and Jamie, and Helena admits that she thinks Alice should be worried.

You know what will ease your worries – or at least mine? Kit’s latest hairdo. It’s so far over the top, it’s in a different dimension.

But the person who’s currently strutting onto the floor is not half as fabulous, even though she obviously thinks she is. Niki, I’m tired of you. But Shane is clearly happy to see you. They flirt; Niki apologizes for abandoning Shane in her time of emetic need. (Shane is feeling fine now – guess Jenny didn’t poison her after all.)

The competition round – Now it’s time for, like, actual dancing. As in, couples taking the stage to strut their stuff. The first couple consists of two people we’ve never seen on this show, because of course we have plenty of time to waste on noncharacters.

But oh, what delights await us in the dressing room. Alice is in a Salt-N- Pepa costume, complete with crazy, crazy wig, and the sight of her makes this entire episode worthwhile.

She finds Shane, who is also getting ready to compete. But she’s not very excited about it.

Shane: Come on, Alice. Does this look like it’s my thing?

Alice: What is your thing? Gah. What’s gonna make you happy these days?

Shane: Please don’t, not today. I don’t want to hear it.

Alice: Why?

Shane: Because, Al. This is what it is.

Alice: No, it’s not. It’s what you let it be.

Um, what? Am I supposed to understand what they’re talking about, beyond a vague sense of Jenny-inspired doom? Those lines are a bunch of bunkum.

But there’s no time to make sense of anything: Shane is due on stage with an attention-seeking Jenny.

I don’t know a lot about dancing, but I’m pretty sure Mary Murphy would tell these two that they definitely do not have a ticket on the hot tamale train. Shane looks completely bored, and Jenny is her usual possessive, controlling self. Speaking of So You Think You Can Dance, they should have done something like that “Mercy” routine that Katee and Twitch did to such fine effect.

Bringing it – Back in the dressing room, Alice and Bette size each other up. They circle each other like two scorpions – one svelte, glamorous scorpion and one hilariously adorkable scorpion. I’m rooting for both of them.

Alice: I didn’t know Dance Fever was back on the air.

Bette: Oh, I’m sorry: I didn’t realize Kriss Kross was looking for a new member. [as Alice walks away] Hey, Al?

Alice: Huh?

Bette: Nice cameltoe.

I heart them. This faux goading is definitely fun.

Alice warns her dancemates (as the organizer, she gets to have a trio act instead of a couple) that Bette and Tina are serious, with costumes and everything. But Tasha is unfazed.

Tasha: Wasn’t this supposed to be fun?

Alice: [aghast] Fun?!

Tasha: Yeah.

Alice: No!

Aw, I heart them, too! But Jamie is harshing my buzz, even though she’s really just an innocent bystander at the moment. It’s hard to relax and enjoy the goofy stuff when there’s this cloud of doom over everything.

Bette tries to get Tina into the competitive spirit too.

Bette: They’ve got wigs and spandex. This is no f—in’ joke. We have no idea what they’re capable of.

Tina: I’ll do my best.

Snicker. And it just gets better: Alice has a brief crisis in front of the dressing-room mirror.

Alice: I never had rhythm, OK? This is a joke. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Tasha: What are you talking about? You were the lead in West Side Story!

Jamie: Yeah, you said, “We’re number one, we can’t be number two.”

Alice worries that they look like freaks whereas everyone else “went traditional.” Tasha acknowledges that they look “a little crazy,” but she gives Alice a pep talk and gets her out onto the stage.

Tasha: I’m in a turquoise onesie for you, OK? So pull it together!

And do they ever! How fine is Tasha? And Alice is both funny and surprisingly skilled. Salt-N-Pepa’s here! And I guess that means Jamie is Spinderella – third wheel, indeed.

Bette and Tina watch in awe. Afterward, Alice shouts, “How you like me NOW?” in that hilarious shrieky tone she has sometimes. But the judges don’t quite agree: two of them give the group a 9.5 and a 10, but the middle judge holds up a 5.5. Oooh. It is on!

I give that a 0.5 – In the bathroom, Shane and Niki are making out. Look at that woman in line for the loo – is that Jamie from Top Chef?

Kidding. Nice headband, though. R.I.P. Team Rainbow! And wah, Carla. Anyway. As Shane and Niki go at it, it’s Bette and Tina’s turn to dance. And they are so, so hot together as they shimmy to Soul II Soul’s “Back to Life.” Where to begin? The arms? The curves? The everything in between?

I much prefer a little dirty dancing between Bette and Tina to the down-and-dirty things Niki and Shane are doing in the bathroom. In fact, hang on a sec – for the first time this season, I am rewinding.

The dance competition judges agree with me: they give Bette and Tina an 8.5, a 9.0 and a 10.0. Indeed, it was yummy all around. I have one tiny nit to pick, however. Was there really no Flashdance reference? I mean, Jennifer Beals. Dancing. How can you pass up a Flashdance reference?! There could have been a chair involved somehow, or maybe a sexy welding mask. Michael Nouri could have dropped by to announce some donations or something.

While I’m on the subject, I’m shocked that there haven’t been any references to dance-centric movies. I mean, there are movie references at every turn – why not make a few now, when they wouldn’t actually feel like interruptions (since the entire episode is an interruption)? Here are some I might have tried:

Dirty Dancing, with Jenny in the Jennifer Grey role. Nobody puts Crazy in a corner!

Showgirls, with Kelly as, uh, Elizabeth Berkley, and introducing Dawn Denbo as Gina Gershon.

Grease, featuring a surprise couple named Dana Zuko and Carmen “Cha Cha” DiGregorio, who drive Alice and Shane mad with jealousy.

Also, where’s the good music? A little “Dancing Queen,” maybe, or the “Safety Dance” or “Dancin’ With Myself”? Oh – Max could show up in a white suit and wide collar and boogie to Andy Gibb’s “Shadow Dancing”! Sigh. I’ll just have to pretend this episode is that much fun.

Surprise – In the middle of Bette and Tina’s sexy dance, there was another delicious development: Dylan silently stepped next to Helena and took her hand. Aw, yeah!

Dylan: I’m so sorry.

Can it be? Do we really get at least one happy ending? I’ll take it. I’ll take it and I’ll cling to it for dear life.

It ain’t over till it’s over – To celebrate their certain victory, Bette and Tina share a terrorist fist-jab. Bette teases Alice – “Still friends, cameltoe?” – and Kit bubbles, “You’re gonna win, you’re gonna win!”

But then it’s Jodi’s turn. And she is, of course, terrific. Everyone’s agape as she twists and twirls.

Maybe that’s why there haven’t been any movie references – it’s like the entire episode is a reference to Dancing With the Stars. Only it’s Dancing With the (Por)tards. Otherwise, it’s all pretty much the same – even the dress.

Tina watches Jodi with extra interest.

Tina: Any regrets?

Bette: Not a one.

Don’t be daft, Tina. Didn’t you see how amazing you two looked together? I’m still recovering.

Backstage – Tina, Bette, Alice, Tasha and Jamie talk about the wondrous Jodi and her three perfect scores. Alice figures Jodi must have practiced that routine for a month. Tasha points out that they had a month’s worth of prep time too.

Alice: Your sense of fair play is annoying.

That doesn’t look half as funny as Alice makes it sound. It’s like we’re seeing the old Alice in this episode. And isn’t that a welcome sight?

But then Alice just makes me sad – rather, I feel sad for her, because Tasha and Jamie are getting along so well. They’re giggly and happy and totally focused on each other. Bette and Tina feel sad for Alice too, and try to comfort her. Somebody make it stop.

Just an idea – Fresh from the salaciousness in the bathroom stall, Niki is chilling with some champagne. Jenny interrupts to make a suggestion.

Jenny: I was thinking it would be really cool, and great for your image and great for the cause, if you were to auction off a date with yourself.

Huh? Niki doesn’t really get it, and neither do I. On the face of it, the idea seems reasonable enough. But Niki, just look at Jenny: those multitudinous hair clips might actually be weapons. She’ll pull your brain out through your nostrils!

A fresh start – Outside, Dylan and Helena get reacquainted. Helena feels like a schoolgirl again. She reminisces about sneaking out for a “snog” with a girl who eventually fell for a “maths whiz.” Why are Britishisms so swoony?

Helena tries to apologize, but Dylan shushes her and suggests they try to “start new.” You can do it: only one more episode, and you’re home free!

Sour charity – Niki is onstage with Sunset, who is in yet another Cher-like getup. But Niki is the main attraction: she has taken Jenny’s advice and is auctioning off a date with herself. Guess who wins?

Jenny: Twenty-five thousand dollars.

Alice grumbles, “M———er! That’s the second thing I lost.” Hee.

And then Jenny makes a speech from the stage. A speech? More like a sentence, for a carnal criminal.

Jenny: Shane, you don’t have to f— her in a bathroom anymore. You don’t have to sneak around. I don’t want you to do that. So I bought her for you. So you can have her whenever you want. Thank you.

I don’t know how many times I can say “what?” and “whoa!” – Jenny is so far off the rails, she’s in midair. Is she just doling out lessons at this point? If so, how terrifying is that – for Jenny to be the moral center of the show? Shudder.

Jenny finds Shane on the dance floor and makes another speech: she tells her she can f— anyone, anytime. “I know that you need it. It doesn’t scare me. Because I know you.”

Shane seems to realize that she will never, ever get away from Jenny, no matter what she does or how she acts out.

That’s the face of a trapped, frightened animal. If you love her, Jenny, set her free already. But I guess there’s not a lot of love left in Jenny’s black hole of a heart. And that’s sadder than everything else.

Sunrise – The dance-a-thon is almost over. Bette congratulates Jodi and takes a moment to try to make peace.

Bette: I don’t know why I care about what you think of me, but I do and … I promise you that I haven’t cheated on Tina.

Jodi: It doesn’t matter.

Bette: I don’t know why Kelly would tell you…

Jodi: We all start every day and promise ourselves we’re going to be better. The problem is in the execution. I wish you and Tina all the best.

Bette starts to go in for the hug, but thinks better of it and does one of those awkward oh-I-was-just-stretching-and-putting-my-hand-behind-my-own-head moves. Sigh. It’s still uncomfortable and difficult, but at least Jodi is more like the Jodi we used to know (and even like). But why has she come back now, with her red dress and her wise words? What’s the point?

Elsewhere backstage, it’s even more dire. Alice wakes Jamie up and asks the question she’s been chewing on all night.

Alice: Do you have feelings for Tasha?

Jamie sighs and says, “I would never do anything.” Which pretty much answers the question. Crap crap crap. I can’t cope with this, because when Alice cries, it makes me blubber too.

The bus station – Bette and Tina have arrived to wait for the bus that bears the birth mother. First they have to decide whether to tell Marci about New York. Yep: they’re moving to the Big Apple.

Bette: It just feels really right to me.

Bette says she can work from New York; that’s all part of the gallery biz anyway. So that just leaves the matter of their friends.

Bette: I love our friends. I love them a lot. But, you know, at a certain point, I have to trust that they’re like our family. And just because we leave L.A., it doesn’t mean that we’re leaving them.

No, but you are, though. I mean, aren’t you?

But they’re excited as they embrace and smile and realize they have to apply for schools “like right now.” I can’t decide whether to be happy for them or be sad for everyone else.

Side note: good luck selling your house in this market, you two. With or without Weezie.

Trying again – DJ Sunset is on the mic. Except he’s not in drag, and he’s on the mic for a different reason. Kit still doesn’t recognize him – is there no vision plan in the Hit club benefits package, Kit? She tells him he can’t just walk in and pick up the microphone. Then she recognizes him as the guy from the gallery. He takes that as his cue to explain who he really is.

Sunset: Most of you know me as Sunset Boulevard. But my real name is Sonny Benson, and I’m a straight man who loves his gay and lesbian family. And I hope that you can still accept me.

Gosh, doesn’t he clean up nice? Not that he isn’t also lovely in drag, but he looks so dashing right now. He puts down the mic and tries to have a conversation with Kit. But she calls him a “con man” – even though, as Sonny points out, she has assumed things about him (like, say, his sexuality) that he has never really said.

Sonny: I know I have you at a disadvantage. And I know I know more of your stories than you know mine, but I’d love a chance to fix that. Kit Porter, you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. And I’d love nothing better than to take you to dinner and get to know you better.

Aww. Kit looks downright dazed. She stumbles away, muttering and shaking her head. Girlfriend needs a nap. And then she needs to accept that dinner date! I’ll bet Sonny won’t even mind if she wears her ‘fro wig to the restaurant.

The bus of despair – As all the passengers make their way off the bus, Marci the birth mother is nowhere among them. Tina steps on to make sure Marci isn’t sleeping on the bus or something. But no: she’s just not there.

Mama B and Mama T can only wonder and cry.

Last – The final phase of the competition is the “last couple standing” segment: who has the most stamina to dance till the very end?

It’s Tasha and Alice. But which “end” are we talking about here?

Alice: I want you to know that I’ve never loved you more. And I want you to be happy. Do you want to be with Jamie?

Tasha: I don’t … I don’t know if …

Alice: It’s OK.

Tasha: I’m not ready to let you go.

Me. Neither. So, so not ready.

And there on the dance floor, in a rainbow of balloons and in their Salt-N-Pepa onesies, Tasha and Alice try to hold on.

Wow. Well, that was it: the penultimate and the insufficient. Aren’t second-to-last episodes supposed to wrap things up, so the last episode can be imaginative and inspiring and artistic? Yeah. I’ll settle for one of those. Or one sex scene. Or one resolved story line. Or – oh, forget it: let’s rip off the band-aid already!

Next time on The L Word: The End.

Join us on AfterEllen.com this Sunday at 6pm PST/9pm EST as we liveblog the L Word finale, and look for Scribegrrrl’s final L Word recap next Wednesday.

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