“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.06 “Lactose Intolerant”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Wonka: As a reference to a phantasmagoric world and a variant of "wonky," it’s the perfect word for Max’s life.

Yikes: A cruel joke — on the audience.

iPhone: A weapon of crass destruction.

THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Alexandra Hedison is already gone; Elizabeth Berkley can’t take a hint; Jane Lynch offers a geography lesson; Roger Cross tries a line; Kate French makes a move; Mei Melançon overhears.

THREAT COUNT: Thus far in Season 6, five characters have threatened Jenny’s life: Niki, after Jenny made the "showmance" comment; Tina, when she thought Jenny had stolen the Lez Girls negative; Max, for Jenny’s unrelenting disrespect; Alice, because Jenny stole her idea for a film; and Helena (this episode — read on).

Pure imagination — Remember when you were a kid and the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory scared the crap out of you? Was that just me? Well, if that wasn’t your reaction then, it’s going to be your reaction now. Jenny and Shane are hosting a baby shower for Max, and the theme is Willy Wonka.

Rather, the theme is "things that scare the crap out of you." You’ve got a golden ticket — to hell! And unlike the movie, this episode will not offer any delicious delights to temper the dementia.

Everybody’s singing/yelling along to the Oompa Loompa song as they put up decorations. Shane appears to be in the wrong movie, or is perhaps attempting to capture the true spirit of the event. She is dressed as a droog from A Clockwork Orange.

Bette: Are you sure this is appropriate? I mean, don’t children get killed?

Jenny: [brandishing a lollipop] No. They got punished, Bette. And it was Max’s favorite story.

Tasha, by the way, is wearing an Uh Huh Her T-shirt again. And Jenny is wearing her "I want it now" attitude again:

Jenny: Alice, where are the Willy Wonka bars that you promised?

Alice’s only reply is to walk away while letting the air out of a balloon. I feel like I bear some of the blame for this monstrous version of Jenny: in the recap of Episode 5.9, I called her a "gay, waifish version of Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka." Be careful what you imagine — it may come to life and devour you!

Over by the aforementioned Wonka bars (which are homemade, not the packaged-with-golden-tickets kind), Shane and Alice are inhaling helium from balloons. Their voices may be whimsical, but their words are weighty:

Alice: I wouldn’t have made ‘em if you’d told me that it was her idea.

Shane: What do you want me to do about it?

Alice: What do I want you to do? [inhaling some helium] I want you to dump her.

Shane: [taking another hit of helium] It’s not that easy, Alice.

Wow, helium?! The absurdity meter really has been cranked up to 11. I would say we should try to enjoy the ride, but I don’t think we have adequate protective headgear for this kind of roller coaster.

On patrol with her bossy lollipop (bossypop), Jenny asks Jamie how she knows Max. Jamie admits that she hasn’t met Max yet. Tasha and Alice leap to Jamie’s defense, and even Jenny can’t argue with them. Get yer grubby hands off our third wheel, Veruca!

Helena and Dylan arrive, taking a moment outside the door to nuzzle noses and whisper sweet nothings. They pledge to meet their social obligations and then leave, so they can get right back into bed. Isn’t that the best way to approach any shower? Except for the watery kind, of course.

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