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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.06 “Lactose Intolerant”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Wonka: As a reference to a phantasmagoric world and a variant of “wonky,” it’s the perfect word for Max’s life.

Yikes: A cruel joke – on the audience.

iPhone: A weapon of crass destruction.

THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Alexandra Hedison is already gone; Elizabeth Berkley can’t take a hint; Jane Lynch offers a geography lesson; Roger Cross tries a line; Kate French makes a move; Mei Melançon overhears.

THREAT COUNT: Thus far in Season 6, five characters have threatened Jenny’s life: Niki, after Jenny made the “showmance” comment; Tina, when she thought Jenny had stolen the Lez Girls negative; Max, for Jenny’s unrelenting disrespect; Alice, because Jenny stole her idea for a film; and Helena (this episode – read on).

Pure imagination – Remember when you were a kid and the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory scared the crap out of you? Was that just me? Well, if that wasn’t your reaction then, it’s going to be your reaction now. Jenny and Shane are hosting a baby shower for Max, and the theme is Willy Wonka.

Rather, the theme is “things that scare the crap out of you.” You’ve got a golden ticket – to hell! And unlike the movie, this episode will not offer any delicious delights to temper the dementia.

Everybody’s singing/yelling along to the Oompa Loompa song as they put up decorations. Shane appears to be in the wrong movie, or is perhaps attempting to capture the true spirit of the event. She is dressed as a droog from A Clockwork Orange.

Bette: Are you sure this is appropriate? I mean, don’t children get killed?

Jenny: [brandishing a lollipop] No. They got punished, Bette. And it was Max’s favorite story.

Tasha, by the way, is wearing an Uh Huh Her T-shirt again. And Jenny is wearing her “I want it now” attitude again:

Jenny: Alice, where are the Willy Wonka bars that you promised?

Alice’s only reply is to walk away while letting the air out of a balloon. I feel like I bear some of the blame for this monstrous version of Jenny: in the recap of Episode 5.9, I called her a “gay, waifish version of Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka.” Be careful what you imagine – it may come to life and devour you!

Over by the aforementioned Wonka bars (which are homemade, not the packaged-with-golden-tickets kind), Shane and Alice are inhaling helium from balloons. Their voices may be whimsical, but their words are weighty:

Alice: I wouldn’t have made ’em if you’d told me that it was her idea.

Shane: What do you want me to do about it?

Alice: What do I want you to do? [inhaling some helium] I want you to dump her.

Shane: [taking another hit of helium] It’s not that easy, Alice.

Wow, helium?! The absurdity meter really has been cranked up to 11. I would say we should try to enjoy the ride, but I don’t think we have adequate protective headgear for this kind of roller coaster.

On patrol with her bossy lollipop (bossypop), Jenny asks Jamie how she knows Max. Jamie admits that she hasn’t met Max yet. Tasha and Alice leap to Jamie’s defense, and even Jenny can’t argue with them. Get yer grubby hands off our third wheel, Veruca!

Helena and Dylan arrive, taking a moment outside the door to nuzzle noses and whisper sweet nothings. They pledge to meet their social obligations and then leave, so they can get right back into bed. Isn’t that the best way to approach any shower? Except for the watery kind, of course.

They go in and are welcomed by Jenny, who is accompanied by a Muzak-y version of the Bewitched theme song. I suspect this is how Jenny floats around the house during the day – like a deranged chatelaine with her own lilting, slightly off-kilter soundtrack. A Miss Havisham in the making, if you will.

Jenny: [welcoming Helena and Dylan to the party] I’ve done such a good job. It’s quite magical.

Jenny steps out of her auto-generated limelight long enough to tell them they look very happy together, and they definitely do.

I took a picture of that so it would last longer. Because as Helena goes to get Dylan a drink, Jenny’s swath of destruction widens.

Jenny: [to Dylan] You passed the test with flying colors! I’m so happy for you. We were watching you, and we saw how at Hit you rebuffed Niki Stevens even though she could have helped your career, and it was just so incredible.

Jenny. STFU! I cannot believe this. And yet I completely can. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenny opened the attic trapdoor to reveal a reanimated Dana with Bride of Frankenstein hair.

Kit and Shane overhear Jenny’s loose-lipped speech and are entering panic mode as Helena returns to Dylan’s side.

Dylan: Everyone was watching me when I had my meeting with Niki Stevens?

Hey, everybody in the room: show us what “awestruck” looks like!

Helena tries to explain, but Jenny won’t let her.

Jenny: Now, there is no need to lie. I will fix this. [to Dylan] When one begins a relationship, you must start with a clean slate and be completely honest. Which is what we’re doing now.

Dylan, having fully understood exactly what happened, turns around and walks out. Helena follows her, but not before saying what we’re all thinking:

Helena: [to Shane] I’m gonna f—ing kill your girlfriend!

I love the way Helena’s accent got thicker in that line – thicker, and slightly less posh. Jenny, you shouldn’t tangle with the one who has actually been in the slammer. She will cut you!

As Dylan and Helena are leaving, Max arrives. The partygoers yell “surprise!” and wish him a “happy baby shower day,” but it all sounds a lot more like “abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”

The psychedelic boat ride – As StuntDouble said in an email to me this week, Mama Chaiken may have finally made the perfect movie reference: this season is just like that psychedelic boat ride in Willy Wonka. And Max must be ready to jump overboard, as Jenny guides him to a throne and gives him a golden ticket, a hat and a balloon.

Jamie approaches the throne to introduce herself. Jenny sighs audibly and mutters (to no one), “She’s the only non-friend here.” Everyone else stands together in a clump, as if to protect themselves. “She’s just so inappropriate,” admits Shane of her own girlfriend. If you’re aware of the berserkitude, Shane, why don’t you rescue your friends? Dig a tunnel to freedom from the bathroom – use your ever-present toothbrush!

Helena comes back in. Kit and Shane rush to comfort her.

Kit: [breathlessly] Call her. Try to call her.

And try to convince her that turnabout is fair play – the surveillance and underhandedness scores are even, so why not make a fresh start?

Nearby, Bette, Tina and Alice discuss the debacle. Bette can’t believe Jenny said that, but Tina wants to give Jenny the benefit of the doubt.

Tina: Maybe she didn’t mean for it to be so malicious.

Alice: Oh, yeah, no no no, Jenny’s not malicious.

Bette: No, not at all. Just completely and totally evil.

Tina: OK. Fine. She’s malicious.

Welcome to the shared hell, Tina. But I feel you – even though I’ve rolled my eyes at Jenny over the years, it wasn’t until last week that I finally admitted that she was truly destructive as well as disturbed. It seems unnecessary to make her this evil, but then, this entire show seems unnecessary at this point.

And then the baby shower games start. First, everyone is given a ribbon to try to wrap around Max’s belly. Guess who wins?

Shane: I’m sorry, Max. [wrapping the ribbon around; it’s a perfect fit]

Jenny: Yay. Everyone, Shane is the winner!

Kit: [sarcastically] I wonder why she won?

How can I get a special Season 6 DVD with a commentary track done by Pam Grier, Rachel Shelley and Rose Rollins? ‘Cause I think they would bring the funny.

The next game is “chocolate in a diaper.” Having blissfully avoided baby showers for the last several years, I have never heard of this quaint diversion. Apparently the objective is to identify the brand of chocolate that has been suggestively smeared onto a diaper. Eww. Tina gets it right away:

Tina: It’s a Skor bar!

Jenny You’re right, Tina. You know your s—, so to speak.

Bette: Good job, babe. You’re good at this. She always wins this, at every shower.

I love that Tina’s so proud of her dubious skill, and that Bette is so dutifully congratulatory. Cute. But what I love even more is Helena’s response when Jenny offers her the chocolate-smeared diaper:

Jenny: Would you like it, Miss Grumpy Pants?

Helena: F— off, Jenny.

That’s correct.

Before we proceed, let me take a moment to say that I cannot believe we’re only eight minutes in. This is turning into Willy Wonka meets The Neverending Story.

Motherhood – We’re still in the shower scene (oh, if only it were a different kind of shower scene), but the conversation has finally turned to something a little more real: Max’s plight. He hasn’t bothered to find out what the baby’s sex is. He just doesn’t feel like there’s much to look forward to without Tom.

Alice and Tasha call Tom an a-hole for deserting Max.

Max: He’s not an a–hole. He just got scared.

Thanks for understanding, Max. I’m scared too, so please take everything I say with a giant Wonka hat full of (veruca) salt.

Bette and Tina ask Max whether he has spoken to Tom. Alas, no: Tom has changed both his numbers. That makes the whole room agree that Tom is indeed an a–hole.

Tina tries to reassure Max, promising him he’ll know exactly what to do when he holds the baby in his arms. Max seems to think that’s about as likely as Mr. Piddles showing up at the back door with a catnip-scented gift and a helium-spiked meow.

In the kitchen, Shane and Jamie smoke some pot and do some flirting. They talk about whether Alice is “over” Shane. I dunno, but I’m definitely over that hat. What’s the point of it, anyway? Maybe Shane is trying to point out the Magritte-esque surreality of her Jenpecked life.

Maybe that’s too highbrow. ‘Cause she also sorta looks like Groucho Marx. “I once shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.”

Speaking of Jenpecked, Jenny is eavesdropping around the corner. And then she’s fake-coughing.

Jenny: I don’t mean to be, like, a narc, but the pot’s just drifting and Max is getting … [throws her hands up and makes a face]

Jamie takes her leave, purportedly because it’s her turn to play whatever baby-shower game everyone’s currently being subjected to, but probably really because she doesn’t want to be subjected to Jenny’s mind games.

Jenny takes Jamie’s place in the kitchen and passive-aggressively teases Shane for flirting with Jamie. Then she insists she doesn’t really care, but Shane doesn’t believe that any more than you do. Jenny changes the subject: she has “made” Shane a present, but she can’t show it to her yet. And then Jenny gets all teary-eyed for no apparent reason.

Shane: Why are you … what’s wrong?

Jenny: Because I love you.

Yep. That is wrong. And Jenny’s rapidly changing moods are giving me emotion sickness.

But then it’s cake time – Jenny says, “It’s present-cake time, Mom-Dad!” Hee. That goofy remark cheers me up briefly. But the only thing that could fix this mess is if Tim were to jump out of the cake, shouting, “Just kidding, everyone! I never actually moved Jenny out here from Skokie in the first place, so let’s go hang out with Marina and enjoy our carefree lives!”

Max’s presents include onesies from Kit and a fancy stroller from Bette and Tina. The stroller is so elaborate, it comes with a DVD and a detailed instruction manual. Bette and Tina kick into Mom Gear and start to talk about birth plans, which freaks Max out. It gets worse when Kit chimes in, hollering from the next room like a member of a bizarre Greek chorus:

Kit: I don’t blame ’em when they have a C-section, because either, you know, you get all torn, or you have an episiotomy.

Alice doesn’t know what that is, so Jamie tries to explain while Bette and Tina helpfully make scissor motions.

Max’s face turns almost as purple as his Wonka jacket. Everyone keeps babbling, and Jenny keeps whispering, “open the present.” So Max does, but it only makes everything worse. It’s a breast pump. Jenny describes how it works, but Max doesn’t want to hear it because he wasn’t actually planning to breast-feed. Duh, Jenny: what were you thinking? Max is still transitioning, despite this bump in the road (so to speak). Emphasizing his curves at this point is “just so inappropriate,” as Shane might say.

But Tina backs Jenny up, saying it’s a “wonderful, important bonding experience” and is best for the baby.

Jenny: I understand that you identify as a man, but I think that it’s important as a parent … that you can’t be selfish for the child.

Helena: [to Alice] She’s giving life lessons now. Jenny, what do you know about any of this? Bringing up kids, family – what do you know about any of that?

Oh, like a lack of knowledge has ever stopped her before. But never mind that; this continued refusal to see things from Max’s point of view (I’m looking at you, too, Mama T) is getting tiresome. Do they really think they’re helping him by willfully deprecating his him-ness? Poor Max. He should have grabbed that chocolatey diaper and used it as a shield while making a run for the door.

Max is starting to fall apart, but somehow Alice thinks it’s a good time to make a “speech.” Jamie wonders what Alice is doing. Tasha shrugs and says, “watch her; she’s on a roll.” Alice proceeds to ramble and offer Max some vague encouragement, but the upshot of the speech is this:

Alice: So, Max, listen: to you – [holding up her beer] everybody, cheers! It’s amazing that you’re bringing a life into this world. And I can only hope, really, that this child, you know, will turn out to be someone who has values. Who knows the real meaning of honesty, the real meaning of trust and real friendship. You know, someone who would stand up to their girlfriend when they know she’s wrong. I can hope – we can all only hope – that this child will not grow up to be a thief, someone who would steal people’s ideas and lives and things like that. So I pray, Max, for your child, that they won’t grow up to be malicious and manipulative and f—ed-up.

Helena: Yeah!

I guess Alice’s speech was supposed to be fun, but it was just uncomfortable. And Max is now starting to hyperventilate. He leaps off his throne and kneels in front of Bette and Tina. Declare your fealty to the queens of motherdom, freakish swain!

Max: I don’t think I can do this, OK? I have to ask you something. Do you think that maybe you would adopt my kid?

At last! But no. Bette and Tina decline, telling Max he doesn’t know what he’s saying right now. And besides, they’re already adopting a baby. They try to calm Max down, but the room has erupted into a chaotic cacophony. Everyone’s talking at once. Tina suggests Xanax, while Alice searches for her purse and the Lexapro it contains. Helena is way ahead of everyone on the self-medication thing.

Bette finally finds a paper bag for Max to breathe into, while Jenny yells, “She’s pregnant! You can’t give a pregnant lady drugs.”

Max: He’s pregnant. He’s pregnant. OK?

Jenny apologizes – too little, too late – and everyone starts to scurry around again. Suddenly – finally, thank God – the scene ends and we cut to Max and his bathroom mirror. He stares at his unwelcome curves, then reaches for a pair of scissors and begins to trim his beard. And then comes the shaving cream and that most glorious of sights: the razor.

Yes! But it’s difficult to celebrate the departure of the beard, because the scene is so tense. I half expect Max to cut himself, with the strange sense of doom that’s hanging over everything. As usual, though, there’s no payoff; it just peters out. Sorry – poor choice of phrase.

Joyce’s office – Bette and Tina are discussing their adoption plans with Joyce, who is apparently the only lawyer in all of Los Angeles. She’s definitely the funniest:

Joyce thinks it all sounds great. And she really just wants to talk about her own wedding.

Joyce: We haven’t set a date yet. We’re waiting on Gavin’s availability. Gavin Newsom. Mayor of San Francisco. He’s officiating.

Jeez, enough with the Gavin stuff! Bette and Tina are suitably impressed. But they don’t really want to hang around for the details, so they get ready to go.

Tina: Well, I think we have one more trip to Nevada, right, and that’s just to take Marci to the doctor’s office, but other than that, it’s very routine.

Joyce: She’s from Nevada?

Uh-oh. Yep, there’s a wrinkle: Nevada doesn’t allow gay couples to adopt, and it doesn’t matter what the birth mother herself wants. The solution is for either Bette or Tina to adopt as a single parent, and then they can do the second-parent adoption back in California. Tina thinks this sounds fine, but Bette nixes the idea.

Bette: We can’t start this whole thing out with a lie. We cannot lie about who we are, especially when it comes to our family.

Tina knows Bette is right. Joyce supports that position too, so she suggests one other option: they can ask the birth mother to come live with them. What? With this and the chocolate-as-poop game and the neonatal class, there have been way too many rip-offs of Baby Mama. And yet no Tina Fey to help us make chocolate out of poop.

Anyway, if Marci gives birth in California, they won’t have to worry about Nevada law. Bette and Tina take a deep breath and seem to accept their fate. OK, but please, don’t let this turn into some extremely weird third-wheel crush.

Speaking of third-wheel crushes – Alice, Tasha and Jamie have just been out for some serious training, in an effort to help Tasha pass her police academy endurance test. They banter about how out-of-shape they are, but of course they all look fit and fine. Still, could they pass the endurance test that is this episode? I really should have trained for this. I practically blew out my knee running to the kitchen for coffee in order to survive that interminable Wonka scene, and I should have found a way to deactivate my gag reflex before the theme song started, not to mention the diaper thing. And now … is there some sort of defective version of 3-D glasses that will remove Jamie from my field of vision so I can pretend Alice and Tasha are still a happy twosome?

Jamie announces that she’s going home to shower and will meet them later for dinner. But of course Tasha and Alice think that’s silly – why not shower right there and borrow some of Tasha’s clothes?

Why not, indeed? I can think of hundreds of reasons, including the two unclad, chest-situated reasons that are now staring at Tasha as she hands Jamie some clothes. After that awkward moment, Jamie goes to take a shower and Tasha goes to take her woman. Alice is more than a little surprised that Tasha wants to have sex while Jamie is just a few steps away, but she does, so that’s what they do.

And of course Jamie hears them. She waits uncomfortably in the hallway until they’re done.

Alice: [whispering to Tasha] That was crazy.

Jamie: [calling from the hallway] Wow, that was a really nice shower.

Mm-hmm. We should all have such nice showers. I can’t even get such invigorating water pressure, let alone the inspiring soundtrack.

Tasha heads for the shower and leaves Alice and Jamie alone to exchange a few strained pleasantries. Then Alice joins Tasha in the shower, leaving Jamie to sigh on the couch. She looks like she doesn’t know what to do – or rather, whom to do.

Home is where the construction is – Bette and Tina are discussing the Baby Mama Hostel idea. Apparently they’ve already called Marci, and she’s game. Well, of course she is: who wouldn’t choose free room and board with two lovely L.A. landladies, over continuing to crash with your socioeconomically challenged parents in Nowhere, Nevada?

They start to fret over details, like whether Marci will need a car and whether the construction on the house will be done. And oh, about that construction: meet Weezie, the contractor in charge.

Weezie is tough and loud and has a rattail. And she likes to make jokes about beefy boys. Because – brace yourselves – Weezie’s not gay. Or at least, not as far as she knows. Weezie cackles her way to another room, leaving Bette and Tina alone to ask the obvious questions.

Bette: OK, I am so confused. Are you confused?

Tina: Oh, I’m very confused.

Bette: She’s a dyke, right?

Tina: I don’t know. She doesn’t know she’s a dyke!

Bette: That’s because she’s a yikes.

Tina: Yikes!

And then they mock her. Bette does a pretty good (and pretty cruel) version of Weezie’s dorky machine-gun laugh.

Bette: That’s mean. That’s mean; she’s doing a good job.

Tina: She’s awesome.

OK, so at least you know you’re being mean. But that doesn’t excuse the anti-butch attitude – what is going on with this character, anyway? Is Weezie some sort of inside joke, or a twisted F-you to all the people who have criticized The L Word for not having any truly butch characters? Because if this is indeed some sort of response, well, congratulations on alienating even more of your audience. I didn’t think it was possible.

Beyond all that, why the ffaahhkk is another character being introduced so late in the season? Is Weezie going to wake up in Episode 8, turn to her girlfriend and say, “I just had the craziest dream about a bunch of super-femme lesbians in L.A.”? After all, as Willy Wonka said, “We are the makers of music; we are the dreamers of dreams.”

This is extraordinarily weird, not to mention unwelcome. We already have too many story lines to wrap up – quit unwrapping new ones!

About that gift – Jenny is finally showing Shane that “present” she “made” for her. It’s a photography studio. Remember when Shane told Molly she wanted to study photography, and they had their little High Art session? No? Well, it happened, though it didn’t seem like anything of substance. But here we are, and here Shane is, getting another gift from a woman who wants to keep her. Just like when Cherie Jaffe gave her that salon called Shane. And we all know how that turned out.

As Jenny gives Shane a tour of the space – which apparently came from a Build-a-Studio kit, complete with tripods and strobes and such – all Shane can do is try to remember her own name.

Shane: I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve any of this.

Jenny: Yeah, you do.

I can’t say for sure whether you do, because I don’t yet know whether this is a gift or a curse. But maybe that’s not fair: it seems like Jenny is actually trying to do something selfless, or at least less selfish than usual. She says Shane needs her own “space so [she] can work.”

Shane says “thank you,” and Jenny says “you’re welcome,” but everybody’s wondering what sort of strings are attached. Wait: is there an attic in this building? Or a basement? Watch out for trapdoors, Shane. Maybe your photographs are now cursed and will have spooky melting faces in them, like in The Ring. Yes, I’m still seeing Jenny as the well-dwelling hairy girl.

There were never such devoted sisters – Tina is going to New York to “get a new movie off the ground.” I guess she’s going on her own behalf, since presumably Shaolin fired her after that public display of rejection last week? Who knows; anyway, Tina feels bad about missing the opening of Bette’s new gallery, but Bette assures her it’s all right. As Tina and Bette say their good-byes, Weezie watches from the stairs. And then she has a chat with Bette.

Weezie: Is your sister going to New York?

Bette: My sister Kit?

Weezie: I thought her name was Tina.

Bette: Tina’s not my sister. Tina’s my partner. She’s Angelica’s other mother.

Weezie: Well, yeah, I get that you’re partners; I just thought that you were sisters.

Bette: Nope.

Weezie: Is she a Wentworth?

Bette: What? No, she’s a Kennard.

Weezie: Then why is she going to New York? Isn’t she gonna be at your opening tomorrow? So I won’t see her there?

Bette: Are you going to the opening?

Weezie: Yeah. I’m pumped. I hear that art openings are a great place to meet the fellas, and I am looking! I’ll see you tomorrow.

Bette: See you tomorrow. [to herself, after Weezie leaves] I’m just confused.

I cannot comment. My brain has come unhinged and I need a big butch contractor to hammer it back into shape. I won’t even mock her while she does.

The Hit club – Helena is drinking. Like, a lot. She thinks she’s fine, but Kit thinks she’s a mess and should she go home. She tries to get Helena on her feet and out the door, but Helena pushes her away.

Helena You’re not my f—ing mother!

Oh, I dearly hope that presages a visit from Peggy Peabody. She needs to rescue Helena and comfort the rest of us, or at least give it to us family style.

Kit doesn’t know what to do with herself, so she rides off into the sunset. I mean, she seeks solace from DJ Sunset, who doesn’t understand why Kit is trying to fix everything between Helena and Dylan.

DJ Sunset: Why are you pushing her into someone else’s arms? You two, you got more than just a romance. You’re partners. And I think you’re good for each other.

Kit: You actually thought that I was a lesbian?

Uh, yeah, because you’ve been encouraging those thoughts. But to make herself and her preferences perfectly clear, Kit squeezes DJ Sunset’s considerable biceps and says, “This is what I’m talkin’ about, right here.” Poor Sunset is gobsmacked.

Before that can get any more awkward, they’re distracted by Helena. She’s picking a fight with someone, like you do when you’re a drunk ex-con. So Kit gives Sunset one more squeeze and then takes her leave.

More awkward flirting – Kelly and Bette are getting ready for the grand opening of their new gallery. Hey, look: James is there!

James, we all thought you had taken yourself and your sideburns to a happier place that offered you more lines, but welcome back. Now run, while you can still get out alive!

As Bette and Kelly talk about who’s coming to the opening and who’s buying what, Bette climbs a ladder to adjust some lighting. And that gives Kelly a very nice view.

They discuss a buyer who’s “interested in a female nude.”

Bette: Well, I wouldn’t begrudge him liking a female nude.

Kelly: No, I wouldn’t either.

Bette: Just as long as he’s paying full price.

Kelly, before you ask: no, there is no price you could pay to get this particular female nude. So put your goggle eyes back in their sockets, if you even can.

Bette is saved by the bell: Tina calls. She’s having a great time in New York, where nobody’s interested in the Lez Girls stolen negative or any other gossip. Yes, Tina – move to New York! Things are a lot less treacherous here, or at least a lot less Belly-rific.

Bette: Don’t you love New York?

Tina: I do. I’m starting to see what you were talking about.

What? I don’t think we got to see her talking about that, whatever it was. Why don’t we get to witness those conversations, instead of the trippy baby showers or the bizarro banter with Weezie?

Tina and Bette talk about their respective ambitions. Bette’s gallery is looking great, and Tina is having lunch with Jane Rosenthal. They’re having a nice conversation, so of course Kelly sees fit to interrupt, claiming an “emergency.” Tina and Bette reluctantly end their call.

Bette: So what’s the crisis?

Kelly: OK, we’re getting all these last-minute RSVPs, and I’m just concerned because I don’t think we’re gonna have enough oysters.

Bette: Are you kidding me?

Kelly: No, no; we’re expecting 250 –

Bette: No, I mean, you’re kidding: you got me off the phone with Tina to talk to me about oysters?

Yes, Bette, I that just about sums Kelly up. Or maybe this does: she says the call didn’t look that important and it seemed like Tina was “checking up” on Bette.

Bette: No, we don’t do that to one another. We support each other.

I suspect Kelly isn’t familiar with that kind of support – she only knows about financial and surgical support. And she also knows how to twist the knife.

Kelly: Well, then what’s up with tonight? I mean, I don’t think that’s very supportive.

Bette: She would be here if she could. She has business in New York.

Kelly: More important than being here for you?

Bette: [sighing] Kelly, you know what? It’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but Tina’s work is just as important to her as mine is to me. And that’s a good thing.

That should be the end of it, but Kelly just won’t shut up: she says Tina struck her as a “wife.” Bette dismisses that notion, but Kelly clearly isn’t buying it. I wish I could buy Kelly a laryngectomy to go with her expressionless face.

Jamie’s place – Aw, look: Jamie has a bulldog named Bubba. She also has no qualms about changing her clothes in front of Alice and Tasha, who try (unsuccessfully) to avert their eyes. Tasha is so drawn to Jamie, she has to physically turn away when Jamie emerges half-dressed and asks Alice to zip her up.

Rose Rollins, you’re doing a very good job as usual, but I can’t believe this is happening to your character. Tasha is a rock: she can’t “tip.” It’s preposterous, but then, what isn’t in this episode?

Curtain up, light the lights – Kit and Helena arrive at the shindig. Kit surveys the spread and exclaims, “my sister’s back!” Her sister Tina, you mean? Oh, sorry; that was my inner yikes speaking.

They find Kelly and Bette and take some photos with them. Helena goes off to get a drink (with an admonishment from Kit to “take it easy”), and Kelly and Bette steer Kit to one of their favorite paintings. It’s the one Bette was climbing the ladder in front of, and it might be some sort of comment on the Belly situation, but I’m too obtuse to figure it out.

Speaking of comments on the Belly situation, DJ Sunset – out of drag – has just ambled up next to Kit, who doesn’t recognize him.

Mr. Sunset: [looking over at Bette and Kelly] Those are two lovely art dealers.

Kit: Sleazeball. You’re here to look at art, not women.

Nearby, Shane teases Jenny for briefly flirting with someone. And that’s the most innocuous thing Jenny will do today. She has already set her sights on her next target.

Jenny: [observing Bette and Kelly] They do make a very beautiful couple.

Kit: They’re not a couple.

Jenny: Well, I know they’re not a couple. But they look like a couple. They’re just … both tall.

It’s difficult to argue with that. But again, Jenny, I must tell you to STFU.

Jenny and Shane stroll over to the aforementioned oysters. Shane is happy to partake, but Jenny says they remind her of oral sex with a man. Shane, understandably, almost gags. But then she playfully teases Jenny, which would be sweet, if Jenny weren’t so sinister.

Tasha, Alice and Jamie arrive. Alice looks at a sculpture and says, “It looks like a giant cat threw up.”

Maybe the cat ate those oysters. Can we please have some more one-liners from Alice and hilarious expressions from Tasha? But no: cut to Niki, who is just arriving and is flanked by paparazzi. Bette and Kelly are surprised to see her but thrilled to have the media attention. As Niki poses for photos with Belly, Shane looks both interested and wary.

Niki finds Shane and suggests they blow this pop stand. Shane barely hesitates and then agrees, glancing around furtively for Jenny as she goes.

Love sucks – Helena is guzzling wine from two different glasses. Kit suggests that she drink them one at a time, but Helena figures she’d better just go home and take a sleeping pill. If we didn’t already know that Jenny is the one who dies this season, I’d be nervous.

Kit mutters to herself: “love sucks.”

Mr. Sunset: [swooping in] Then again, it can be grand.

Kit: Have we met?

Mr. Sunset: Briefly. I noticed you earlier.

Kit: Right, right, right.

Mr. Sunset: And I thought to myself, that’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. I’d love nothing more than to take her home with me tonight and wake up in the morning with her arms and legs wrapped around me.

Kit throws her glass of water in his face. Not that I blame her, but shouldn’t she maybe recognize that as the fantasy she shared with DJ Sunset? It’s not like she was inebriated when she told him. I’m tired of this back-and-forth: just get it on already!

Elsewhere, Jamie, Alice and Tasha are relaxing on a bench. Jamie remarks that Bette and Kelly really do seem like the ultimate power couple. Alice and Tasha try their best not to admit the possibility.

Jenny flounces by, looking for Shane. After she leaves, Jamie says she feels sorry for Jenny: “She just wears that she’s been really damaged.” You don’t know the half of it, Jamie – she also wears doilies.

The three wheels talk about damage and difficult parent-child stuff. Tasha talks about her dad, who was “such an a–hole” and used to beat her brothers. She and Jamie bond over stories of their “macho” dads while Alice listens, feeling left out.

Alice: Jamie, I gotta thank you. Tasha’s just never opened up before. I guess because you’re a counselor, maybe.

Yeah. Something like that. I think we can all see the writing on the wall at this point, and it’s a mural of obscenities. Given what Rose Rollins said in the most recent This Just Out With Liz Feldman, I expect to be cursing a blue streak soon. Of this season, Rose said, “It’s surrounded by negativity. We’re ending this season on a negative note, and I feel like it’s totally contradictory of what the show represents or how it should inspire women.”

Word.

The darkroom – At the photography studio, Shane is developing a picture of Molly. But she’s also developing a dalliance with Niki, who doesn’t really seem to mind that Shane is gazing lovingly at a photo of Molly and standing in a room paid for by Jenny.

Niki and Shane start to make out, but Shane suddenly becomes ill and vomits all over the picture of Molly. Subtle.

Niki hightails it out of there, worrying that Shane is contagious. It’s true that Jenny’s sickness seems to spread, but I don’t think it’s quite that virulent. Wait: why do I keep failing to acknowledge the full force of her pathology?

The virus spreads – Bette is back home. She pays the babysitter – Angie, could you please spread some of your sunshine over this dreary episode? – and is about to close the door on the day. But Kelly is suddenly there, bearing a big smile and a bottle of champagne.

Bette invites her in. Nooooooo! Her laser eyes will pulverize your mortal soul!

Cut to a shot of Jenny on the phone with Shane. She rushes to the photography studio, where Shane is still puking, probably thanks to those slimy oysters. Or maybe Jenny has poisoned her just a little – just enough to keep her at home and in bed, which is exactly where Jenny takes her. Jenny seems very happy to tuck her in and coo over her.

Shane: Hey … thanks for taking care of me.

Jenny: Of course. I’m always gonna be there for you, Shane.

Eeek. Is this turning into Whatever Happened to Baby Shane?

Next door, Kelly is drunk and effusive. Bette briefly gets caught up in the excitement and enjoys a glass of champagne. (Before that, there’s a point where she glances at her laptop, possibly looking for an email from Tina. But alas, there’s no bell to save her now.)

Kelly finally makes her move. She and Bette share a victory handshake, but Kelly tries to turn it into more.

Kelly: I’m just cashing in on a little rain check.

Bette: You think so? You’re drunk.

Kelly: No, I’m not. I’m telling you how I feel.

Bette: You’re really drunk. ‘Cause you know what? That coupon, it expired like 15 years go.

But Kelly won’t take no for an answer, even as Bette says, “I am in love with Tina, and I have no intention or desire -” only to be interrupted by a pushy attempt at a kiss. Bette pushes Kelly right back.

And here’s the latest confluence in our lesbian game of Clue (if the victim is The L Word): it’s Kelly, in the kitchen, with a champagne glass. As Bette rebuffs Kelly, the glass falls to the floor and shatters. Bette bends down to clean it up.

Next door, Jenny and her iPhone have the perfect angle on this charming vignette. She snaps a damning photo.

Jenny: [whispering] Oh, Bette.

Oh, God. No.

How could it get worse? How about like this: cue Betty, singing a song called “Did You Tell Her,” which prominently features the word “cheater.”

If we are the Wonka-y dreamers of dreams, I would really, really like to wake up now.

Next time on The L Word: Tina gets a job; Jenny confronts Bette; Alice tries to figure out what’s going on between Tasha and Jamie.

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