THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:
Suit: The secret ingredient that turns Sexy Tasha into Super Mega Sexy Tasha.
WTF: Alice’s refrain on behalf of the audience.
Revelation: How Jenny brings about the apocalypse.
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Elizabeth Berkley takes Bette for a stroll down memory lane; Jane Lynch shows us what she’s got; Alexandra Hedison finds that time doesn’t heal all wounds; Cybill Shepherd is still in charge.
Previously on The L Word — Whoa, did you see Dylan in the "previously" scenes? That whole thing (starting back in Season 3, Episode 4) seems like such a long time ago. It’s more like prehistorically on The L Word.
Lifestyles of the rich and clueless — Niki is hanging out in her crib with her entourage. You know how these things go — and if you don’t, just turn on MTV right now and you’ll probably see something similar. There are lots of cell phones and bikinis; the music and decor are unbelievably cool; everyone’s dealing with some sort of seriously big OMG drama. For Niki, of course, the drama is all about what Schecter spake.
Niki rants her way from one room to the next, wagging her finger and shaking her head and yet somehow utterly failing to really convey much emotion at all.
Niki: [to nobody and everybody] Can you believe that? She f—s me all night long, and then she has the nerve to say that it’s a showmance. I mean, I don’t even know what the f— that is.
Entourage friend: I’m Googling. It’s uh … a phony romance that happens during a movie or a TV show, usually between two stars, but …
Niki cuts her off, which is a relief. Who doesn’t know what that means? Showmance, fauxmance, bromance, homance — where will this clever little trend end? It’s a romance between seamstresses: a sewmance! A dalliance spurred on by the recession: a pomance! And how about a fling between two Simpsons characters? A d’ohmance! Gah, enough already.
One of the other entourage ingenues (entouragenues?) starts to babble about who really broke Jenny’s heart.
Niki: You know what? You are out of my Five.
Really? People do that? It’s not just a commercial?
Niki throws everyone out, then goes to the balcony, fixes her gaze on something offstage and makes a little speech:
Niki: Jenny Schecter is a liar and a user. And trust me, you are not going to get away with this. You are dead meat, Schecter. Dead.
Ooh, we have our first suspect! It was Niki on the balcony with the T-Mobile. Wait; that would be the murder of this scene, not of Jenny.
Spectacular — At the Hit club, Helena and Kit are having a meeting with their new DJ. Hold up a sec. Is this Glasses Night on The L Word?! Aww, yeah!
And if it really is Glasses Night, does that mean Tina Fey is going to show up as a surprise guestbian? Hey, I dream big.
Anyway, the DJ’s name is Sunset Boulevard. As Joe Biden might say, let me say that again: The DJ’s name is freaking Sunset Boulevard. Isn’t that subtle? The next thing you know, one of the characters will change her name to Ima D. Killer.
They all talk about the new decor for Hit: the colors are Moroccan, in a nod to Casablanca. Classic film references are to The L Word as clowns are to a clown car.
I should mention that the DJ is a drag queen. Kit is temporarily twitterpated by the physique she finds under the fabulousness.
Kit: So … what do we have to do to get the fabulous Sunset Boulevard to come and spin at Hit?
Sunset: Just keep being the fabulous Kit Porter. You know you’re my ultimate R&B goddess.
Kit: Oh, I don’t know about the "ultimate." [squeezing a deltoid] Ooh, somebody’s been working out!
Sunset: Mmm hmm.
Kit: [hastily removing her hand] Not that we’re the type … you know, we’re, uh … [looking at Helena] We’ve both sworn off men.
Helena: Ages ago.
Sunset: Good for you. You two got a good thing goin’ here. You don’t need some man in here messin’ it up.
Kit and DJ Sunset continue to flirt anyway. Hmm, something just occurred to me: remember when Bette and Tina were trying to figure out what their kid’s last name would be, and they briefly suggested Portard? If Kit Porter marries Ms. Boulevard, they’ll be another pair of Portards!
Busy lezzie bees — At the Planet, Jenny, Alice and Tasha are engaged in their various pursuits. Jenny and Alice are both typing madly on their shiny Macs, while Tasha pores over an old-fashioned three-ring binder.
Their breakfast arrives, including some very pretty waffles for Jenny. She informs the server that she didn’t order those. But the server explains that they’re from Shane, who is forlornly gulping coffee nearby.
Kit (who is also at the table with Shane) explains to Jenny that Shane made the waffles especially for her. Wait: she actually made them? Has Shane been hanging out with the soup chef, taking cooking lessons instead of those photography lessons she was considering in last season’s finale?
It’s sweet, though, especially because Shane appears to have a smudge of flour on her face. Aww, now I’m thinking about that food fight/flirtation scene in Fried Green Tomatoes. But there’s no flirtation here:
Jenny: Excuse me, Alice? Do you mind just mentioning to Shane that I don’t want her waffles.
Alice hesitates, then accepts the mission.
Alice: [brightly, to Shane] Hey. Um … she doesn’t want your waffles.
I cannot fully capture Leisha’s brilliant delivery of this line. Think of it as the Venn intersection of talk-show host, irritated pseudo-friend and Marge Gunderson.
As Jenny stomps over to the trash can to throw away the penitent waffles, Bette and Tina arrive, full of morning cheer and praise for all of the improvements Helena has made to the Planet. Their sunny moods are quickly dampened by the tension between Jenny and Shane. In order to choose sides/tables (the battle of the Cheats and the Narcs continues), they play Rock, Paper, Scissors. Bette loses twice.
Bette: Why do I always lose?
Tina: ‘Cause you’re always rock.
Bette: Is that what it is?
How do you not know this about yourself, Bette?
Bette: Have fun with the martyrs.
Tina: Have fun with the cheaters.
Even if it were the farters and the bleeders, it couldn’t be more of a lose-lose situation.