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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.01 “Long Night’s Journey Into Day”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Explanations: A way to fill the minutes in an uneventful episode. Promises: Bette’s version of “Yes, we can!” Flaring: A sign that you’re serious. And adorable.
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Janina Gavankar has a balcony scene; Kate French and Clementine Ford suffer the wrath of Schecter; Guinevere Turner makes unearthly noises; Lucy Lawless lays down the law (you knew I couldn’t resist!).

Aaaand, we’re back – When we last saw the lusty, loquacious ladies of The L Word, Shane and Niki were having a rendezvous on a railing, Alice and Tasha were drifting apart, and Bette and Tina were reuniting (and it felt so good). Also, Lez Girls was becoming less lez-y, Helena was conquering the Planet, and Jodi was killing Bette not-so-softly with her art. And Jenny was realizing she was in love, only to have her heart broken all over again.

Who can save me from all the meta-drama of last season? Who can rescue me, whisk me away, assure me that everything’s going to be all right? Oh, that’ll work! Lucy Lawless has traded in her chakram for a pair of handcuffs. Yum. (If the words on the picture make no sense to you, do yourself the favor of watching the Xena intro.)

Sergeant Sexy has just arrived at a crime scene, and somehow she makes the police siren seem more like a wolf whistle. Another cop gives her the 411:

Officer: Well, they seem to be having a party of some kind, uh … there’s seven ladies inside, and a little girl.
Sounds like the makings of a nice night, but this one took a turn for the hearse. There’s one more lady on the scene: the one who was found facedown in the pool. We go inside the house, where Shane is wrapped in a towel, Bette is wearing a robe and Alice is biting her nails in a cartoonish, eating-corn-on-the-cob way. Max, on the other hand, appears to be eating a caterpillar. At least, I think that’s Max. It could be Zeke from Doonesbury.

Sergeant Sexy introduces herself: her name is actually Sergeant Mary Beth Duffy. Ah, that brings to mind another Mary Beth who made me swoon. Wouldn’t they make a great team?

Anyway. For the Xenites among you, I am offering a Xena: Warrior Princess version of this next scene, along with the L Word version. (For you non-Xenites, I do apologize for boring you.) The L Word Xena: Warrior Princess Sgt. Duffy: [nodding, sizing up the scene] Evening. Xena: [sizing up the rabble, squinting and pursing her lips] Evening.  

The L Word Xena: Warrior Princess Sgt. Duffy: My name is Sergeant Mary Beth Duffy. Xena: My name is Xena. I saw the signal fires from my honeymoon camp in Potidaea.  

The villagers (on both LW and XWP) look a little scared.

The L Word Xena: Warrior Princess Sgt. Duffy: Who’s the homeowner, please? Bette: [standing up and offering her hand to shake] I am. I’m Bette Porter. Xena: Who’s in charge here? Warlord: [standing up, pounding chest and baring mutton-flecked teeth] Mmmurrrrraaaahhhh!   Bette also introduces “my partner, Tina Kennard.” I suppose the warlord might introduce a henchman or something. The L Word Xena: Warrior Princess Sgt. Duffy: [scanning the group, trying to put them at ease] It’s a very beautiful family you have. Bette: Thank you. Sgt. Duffy: [reaching for her notepad in her back pocket] I don’t plan on keeping you long, but I’m sure you understand I’ve gotta ask a few questions. Xena: [scanning the group, irritated] What an unruly brood. Villagers: [blank stares] Xena: [reaching for her chakram] Is someone going to tell me what’s going on here, or do I have to slice it out of you?   Hmm. That cop behind Sergeant Duffy isn’t a very good stand-in for Gabrielle. OK, I’m done with my little Xena interlude. But, well, it’s Lucy Lawless! I had to celebrate.

So, yeah, about that body they found in the pool. You’ve seen this grim image all over the Internet by now, but here it is again just in case: What was with the music over the shots of the cops pulling her out of the pool? The slapped bass was more like bow-chick-a-bow-wow, not OMG-she’s-dead. But anyway. Jenny. Must you make a dramatic exit just when we were starting to like having you around?

Three months earlier – Here’s the first lesson at the Sunset Boulevard school of screenwriting: If you start things off with a body in a pool, you have to flash back a few months to find out how the body ended up there. I just hope it’s not going to be as confusing as the Damages flashbacks. Hey, how about Glenn Close as a guestbian?

Three months ago was the Lez Girls wrap party, at which Shane betrayed Jenny and Shaolin Studios betrayed Tina. We get to see all that again, but I’ve already recapped it so I won’t repeat myself. In fact, this is the perfect opportunity to take a break, so please: grab a snack or some smack or whatever will get you through this episode.

Hot pursuit – The last of last season is quickly followed by a car chase. Shane is the chaser, cursing in her Jeep. Jenny is the chasee, careening around corners in an effort to avoid her best/worst friend. And gee, look at that: there’s a third car, transporting Niki and her driver and whoever else. This scene is entirely too long, and it reminds me of an equally unnecessary scene in the movie Bar Girls. That can’t be a good sign.

They finally get to the house, where Shane’s face meets a slammed door. Uh, Shane, don’t you live there too? Can’t you just go in? Or do you have to be invited, sorta like a vampire? Alice’s hallway of tension – Tasha is looking peeved, not to mention tipsy. She stumbles through the apartment, taking out her frustration on whatever happens to be in her path – namely, Alice’s red pumps.

Alice: [sharply] Hey. Hey! You wanna talk about it? Tasha: Talk about what? Alice: Well, you’re kicking my shoes. You’re kinda s–t-faced.
Tasha denies that, and is soon annoyed-faced instead. Alice’s phone rings, and even though Alice tells Helena she can’t talk right now, she proceeds to do just that. Tasha ends up rolling her eyes and stomping off, so Alice finally hangs up. She finds Tasha in the bedroom, packing her things. There’s some kind of shoe/foot thing going on here, as they dance around each other and almost step on each other’s feet. But I’m too distracted by the weirdly clunky dialogue to plumb the depths of that.
Alice: What are you doing? Tasha: Saving you the trouble of breaking up with me.
But that’s not what Alice wants – at least, not anymore: “I changed my mind.” She starts to explain that loaded statement, but her phone rings again. This time it’s Jenny, and this time Alice has the good sense to ignore the call. She tries to make it very clear that she doesn’t want to break up with Tasha.
Tasha: So what made you change your mind? Alice: Honestly, I think it was Shane tonight. Tasha: Going down on her best friend’s girlfriend. Alice: Yeah, like, on the railing outside the Yamashiro for the whole world to see. It just kinda made me think twice about taking her advice. Tasha: So Shane gave you advice. Alice: Oh, come on, we talk about everything. You know that. Tasha: And you actually thought about taking it.
Gulp. I wish I could intervene: No, she didn’t! I mean, yes, she did, but not in a way that should make you get all shoe-kicky and clothes-packy! I mean, uh, come on, everybody knows Shane is a vampire who casts glamour spells on people, so you can’t really hold Alice responsible! Sigh. On second thought, I don’t really want to get involved. I’ll be over here with the shoes.

Late-night battles – At Chez Shenny, Shane is trying to force her way in, but Jenny has put the chain on the door. Meanwhile, next door, Bette and Tina are getting a report from the babysitter: Angelica is congested and has a bit of a fever. Bette walks the sitter to the door, admonishing her to call them the next time Angie gets sick on her watch.

Bette: [closing the door as the sitter goes] God, she’s young.
Hmm. What does that mean? Is Bette starting to sense the cruel slant of sunset on her horizon, as she ages so very gracefully? All I know is that for some people, life begins at 40, but for Beals, gorgeous began at 40. We should all be so genetically gifted.

Tina is pacing and seething about the Lez Girls butchering. Bette finally convinces her to call William, aka Wallace Shawn, even though it’s the middle of the night – after all, William has done his share of calling Tina in the wee hours. But before Tina can do that, she and Bette have to go to the window to watch the sideshow. Next door, Shane is pounding on the windows, begging Jenny to let her in. Where’s your sense of fun, Shane? While you’re pressing your face against the glass, you might as well make some funny smushy faces.

Bette: Poor Shane. Tina: F— that! I wouldn’t blame Jenny if she never spoke to Shane again. Bette: [half laughing] That’s a little harsh. Tina: It was unforgivable, what Shane did. Bette: Well, maybe it was wrong, but – Tina: Maybe? Bette: OK, it was wrong. Tina: It was devastating. After everything that Jenny’s been through? Bette: Well, Shane’s been through a lot too, and she’s always been there for Jenny. Bette and Tina: [pausing, taking a breath] Let’s not talk about this. No.
Good call! I was starting to get hives. Actually, I’ve had them for five years, since the first time you had this fight.

Next door, Niki has somehow made her way into the house and has swiped Jenny’s keys. And she’s letting Shane in too. I’m not sure whether that’s out of some sense of loyalty on Niki’s part, or is just an instinctive attempt to maximize her audience.

Jenny: I want you both out of my house. OK?
Let’s not quibble about whether it’s actually Jenny’s house. Right now, her fury is more hellish than any mortgage, subprime or otherwise.

Niki, who has the attention span of a big-foreheaded, tiny-baby-handed mutant, soon gets distracted by a text message from somebody named Tiffy. Jenny and Shane find this as unbelievable as we do. Shane goes back to pleading with Jenny, and she’s pretty intense about it. She knows she has done some f—ed-up s— in her life, and she knows this is the f—ed-uppest. She offers to eat dirt or crawl on glass, if that’ll help. Niki interrupts and offer to “drink that spirulina disgusting stuff for an entire week.” Was that supposed to be funny? You’re making us all wish you’d drink that strychnine poisoning stuff instead.

Shane’s plea is truly heartfelt.

Shane: Jenny, listen: you know me more than anybody else in this world. Jenny: [nodding] I do. Shane: You’re my best friend I’ve ever had. And I am so ashamed. I am profoundly ashamed of what I’ve done. I need you to know that. My only explanation – and I promise, it is an explanation; it is not an excuse – is that I’ve been upset about Molly.
That doesn’t go over very well. Shane continues to try to explain, but Jenny doesn’t want to hear that Molly somehow “inspired” Shane.
Jenny: What? She inspired you to f— my girlfriend on the balustrade of Yamashiro?
Jenny ends up throwing a lamp at Shane – after dramatically picking it up and holding it aloft for a moment. She leaves the room, but immediately returns to throw a can of soda at Niki. Woo! OK, it’s not half as fun as the ghost of Monet scene, but one thing’s for sure: Jenny knows how to make a confrontation memorable.

Alice’s house of interruptions – Tasha has just made a very sobering announcement.

Tasha: I think you’re right. I think we probably should break up.
Alice’s laptop chirps. It’s an IM from Max. Alice scrambles to silence the machine, but not before Tasha can sigh and roll her eyes at being interrupted yet again.

By the way, the wallpaper on Alice’s laptop is the shockingly generic clown-fish picture that comes with Mac OS X. Shouldn’t Alice have a more interesting desktop background? Maybe I’m thinking of the Season 1 version of Alice. Anyway. Back to the maybe-breakup that nobody really wants.

Tasha: We have nothing in common. It was exciting and hot to you when I was a soldier, but we have nothing in common.
Correction: It was exciting and hot to everyone with a pulse when you were a soldier.
Alice: We don’t have nothing in common. Come on. Tasha: Exactly. We don’t have nothing in common.
They laugh about that – ha-ha, fun with grammar! – and next thing you know, they’re kissing. That’s a pretty good thing to have in common, but Tasha resists.
Tasha: I know that we have all of this. But it can’t be the only thing.
Alice doesn’t seem to know what to say. Can we get back to the kissing?

Outcasts – Shane and Niki, post—lamp-throwing, are standing outside Jenny’s house. Niki invites Shane to move in with her temporarily, but Shane deems that a “horrific idea.” Or was that whor-ific?

Jenny suddenly appears in the doorway, but only long enough to toss some of Shane’s clothes at her feet and toss out another zinger:

Jenny: I’ll let you know when there’s a good time to get the rest of your skanky s—.
I think the best time would be when Jenny’s sanity has been restored. So, I guess never.

Bette and Tina’s halfway house for consumptives and vagrants – Bette and Tina are worried about Angie’s high fever. Awww. Could their kid be cuter?

As Mama B and Mama T try to soothe their daughter, Shane knocks on the bedroom doors that lead to the pool. Sheesh, cat burglar, could you maybe go around to the front like a normal person? Tina and Bette say the same thing with their gestures.

Cut to the living room, where Bette and Shane are discussing Shane’s s–tuation, going back to when Phyllis told Shane to stay away from Molly. Bette can’t believe Phyllis would say such heartless things. Yeah, it certainly seemed out of character – but let’s remember which show we’re watching, mmkay?

Bette: Wait … so are you saying that you love Molly? Shane: [helplessly] Yeah. Bette: Yeah? God, I don’t think I’ve heard you say that since Carmen. Shane: [thinking] I was faithful to Molly. Bette: [chuckling] Really?! Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh. Shane: No, you can laugh. Bette: No, it’s just that that … that’s big. It must’ve been hard.
That’s what she said! Oops. I mean, awww, Shane! I do mean that, actually: Shane is sweet when she’s smitten. But this moment of respect (for love and for each other) between Bette and Shane can’t last. Tina has overheard and has something to say.
Tina: How hard is it to be faithful to someone that you’re in love with?
Well, it’s a good point. A painful, sharp, tiny tooth-like point that has been gnawing at this show for long enough already.

Bette can only sigh. Actually, it’s not a sigh, so much as a defenseless, vexed exhale. Shane joins her. Everyone watching joins her, too – you’ve heard of the Santa Ana winds? The collective L Word audience sigh is sorta like those. Call them the Riling Ilene winds, ’cause we sigh when she riles us up.

Shane can see that this is not an ideal time to be crashing on Bette and Tina’s couch, but she also really, really wants to do just that. Bette looks to Tina for a decision either way, but Tina is distracted; she’s getting ready to call William about Lez Girls.

As Tina dials her doom, Bette tells Shane to stay and also gives her the movie news. On the phone, Tina is sincere and intense, shaping the words with her hands and chimpling for all she’s worth, but William perceives it as an attack.

Tina: No, I promise I did not call you at 2:15 in the morning to berate you and accuse you of being a sellout.
She ends up apologizing for not “cooling her jets.” I love that phrase. I also love outta sight and dumb cluck. But I don’t love the fact that William has just hung up on Tina.
Bette: [under her breath] Oh my God.
What’s in a name – At what used to be SheBar, Kit and Helena are trying to name their new business venture.
Kit: How ’bout Porter Peabody’s? No no no no no, sound like a Port-a-Potty company.
Well, more like a law firm or a steak house, but yeah, not like a place to bust a gay move.

But Helena likes the idea of combining their names. She and Kit look like they’re in one of those silhouette thingies on Electric Company, sounding things out and moving syllables together. Finally they come up with “Hit.”

Kit: Hit. The Hit club. Hit. It’s a hit. Hit. It’s a – hit me. Girl!
Helena declares it a great name, and she and Kit indulge in a few terrorist fist-jabs. Suck it, Denbo!

The TiBettan school of fidelity – Tina is gently but firmly scolding the miscreant. Make that miscreants, plural.

Tina: You should think before you act. Shane: You’re right. I know. You’re right. Tina: The things you do in the dark? They have consequences. Bette: No one’s saying that what happened was OK, T. Maybe you might be being a little bit judgmental? Tina: You’re damn right I am.
Shane doesn’t really mind, but she also realizes that this isn’t really about her. She lets Tina and Bette focus on each other, probably because she knows there’s no way to stop that particular train once it gets rolling.
Bette: [haltingly] Well, I think that we all have to take into account … you know, a lot of things … before we can judge anyone else’s behavior. Tina: I think your unwillingness to judge has a lot more to do with your own history than any accommodation that you might make for Shane.
Shane throws her head back in frustration. We’re all right there with you, Shane. At this rate, we’ll all be wearing neck braces by the end of the season.

Bette, who is getting exasperated, starts to argue that she agrees and is really saying exactly what Tina’s saying. But a feverish cry from Angie interrupts the dialectic. Shane tries to take this opportunity to flee, but Tina stops her and apologize for “busting her chops.” Cool your jets! I’m sorry for busting your chops! Is this The L Word or Mad Men? Hey, can I please get a crossover, complete with Bette Porter/Betty Draper cage match? I’d also like to see Joan Holloway in a dalliance with someone, but I’m not sure any of them are worthy of her va-va-voominess. Oh, wait: Carmen. Yes.

Another tense tête-à-tête – Alice is explaining her attraction to Clea (you know, Melanie Lynskey in the Season 5 finale). There was a lot of talking and they had a lot in common, blah blah blah – but come on, Alice, can any of that compete with Tasha’s arms? Alice stresses that nothing happened between her and Clea. Yeah, but since when does that matter? Nothing much is happening in this episode either, but here we all are. Anyway, Alice thinks she deserves a little credit for not doing with “every other lesbian would do” – namely, cheating. Tasha Two-Vests is unimpressed.

Tasha: That’s a given, Alice. You don’t get medals for that. Alice: I know that you think thinking is cheating, OK? That’s the person I’m dealing with.
Cute. And maybe that’s one of the big things they have in common: each of them knows and respects the person she’s dealing with. Maybe. But before Alice can continue to declare her devotion to honesty and communication, they’re interrupted once again – this time by a low-tech device, the doorbell. It’s Shane, clutching a Whole Foods bag and looking for another couch to crash on. The Whole Foods bag is a very nice touch. This is the lesbian boho way to be a hobo.

Alice tries to shoo Shane away, but Tasha goes out the door before Shane can get all the way through it. Alice runs after her, apologizing to Shane but kicking her out nonetheless. Cue the next car chase, this time Alice’s Mini after Tasha’s motorcycle. Doesn’t this seem like the perfect time to speed up the film and have a Keystone Cops—esque caper?

More important things – Angie’s fever seems worse. While Tina calls the doctor, Bette futzes with a fancy in-ear digital thermometer. Imagine your grandma trying to Twitter – that’s about how skilled Bette is with the new-fangled thermometer right now. Eventually, she gets a reading of 104. Mama B, Mama T and sniffly little Angie head to the hospital.

Next door – Molly is looking for Shane. Jenny tries to dismiss her, but Molly’s not going anywhere. When she describes Shane as “the woman that I love,” Jenny and her bra and slip (for that’s what she’s answered the door in) feel the need to intervene.

Jenny: Molly. You know that it’s Shane’s M.O. to make girls fall in love with her, right? Molly: Yeah. I know that. But I also know that what we have is different. Jenny: Right. And then when girls fall in love with her, they want Shane to be constrained into a happy family and, like, a marriage type of relationship, and that’s not gonna happen. Molly: Yeah, I don’t wanna constrain her. I love her for who she is. So if you could just tell me where she is or when she’ll be back. Jenny: [carefully] She’s at the Chateau Marmont, and she’s f—ing Niki.
This stops Molly cold. And it gets worse when Jenny suggests (falsely) that Shane and Niki hooked up on the Pink Ride, which of course was also the scene of Molly’s many declarations of love for Shane.

Molly decides to take her leave, after entrusting something to Jenny’s care. Molly, it’s a good thing you’re going off to school, because trusting Jenny? Really not smart.

Molly: [handing Shane’s jacket to Jenny] This is hers. If you wouldn’t mind giving it to her, there’s a … a letter in the inside pocket, in case I didn’t get to see her. If you could make sure that she gets that.
Jenny and her bra give Molly a very awkward farewell hug. Once alone with Shane’s jacket, Jenny proceeds – without even hesitating to ask herself whether it’s the right thing to do – to read the note.
Jenny: [reading from Molly’s letter] In your eyes, I see things I cannot touch. I know not to reach for them. I let them touch me, and I cherish these moments that we’re able to share – however fleeting they may be.
I know I tend to be a sap, but come on: that’s a pretty good love letter. Maybe not on the level of the “Immortal Beloved” letters, but we can’t all be the Sex and the City movie. Anyway, it does make me want Sholly to work out.

Jenny puts the note back in the jacket and then puts them both in the attic. The attic?! Like Snarker said: paging V.C. Andrews! Is this Season 6 or Season 666? Oh, please let this turn into a campy horror movie in which Jenny stashes various things and people and body parts in the attic.

The hospital – Bette and Tina encounter some resistance from an unenlightened health-care professional who wants to know which of them is Angie’s mother. Bette has a Terms of Endearment—meets—Milk moment:

Bette: Are you kidding me? This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on every f—in’ street corner. She was born in this f—in’ hospital and both our names are on the f—in’ birth certificate. So why don’t you just give us a f—in’ break, you bureaucratic maggot, and get our daughter in to see a goddamn doctor. Please.

Bette: [apologetically, as an afterthought] Please.
Woo! Have a big helping of irrefutable social change, woman at the desk! Also, if you’re not careful, that weird dazzly butterfly on Bette’s chest is going to morph into Mothra and devour your narrow little mind.

The Planet (I think?) – Shane and her Whole Foods bag are trying to leave, but Niki and her entourage have just arrived. Niki is drunk or high or something; she pulls Shane into a booth and starts kissing her and fawning over her. In public? Is Niki totally out now? What happened to her starlet-who-still-likes-boys-too image?

Niki says she wants to take care of Shane, but Shane doesn’t want that at all. Or any of this, for that matter. Just in time, Niki gets a text from Jenny. It seems that Jenny is willing to give Niki a second chance. Shane says “Go” so many times, it starts to seem like a tic, so Niki finally gets up to leave.

Niki: [hesitating] Shane, do you think she loves me? Shane: I dunno. Sure. Sure.
Niki’s too high or drunk or dumb to realize that “sure” isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement.

Speaking of happy families and marriage-type relationships – In the hospital parking lot, Bette and Tina are buckling Angie into her car seat. She’s fine: her temperature was only 99.5, not 104. Bette marvels at her inability to use modern gadgetry.

Tina: I’m sure it happens all the time with overanxious L.A. parents. It’s one of the things I love about you. Bette: Because I don’t know how to use a digital thermometer? Tina: No. Because you appear to most of the world to be so alpha in control, and I know how hard it is for you to cover up the panic that you feel inside.
In the blue light of the night, they kiss while Angie sleeps. A beautiful family indeed. A parallel universe – Tasha, with Alice close on the heels of her motorcycle boots, has arrived at her destination: a friend’s house. Which friend? The friend with the fondness for millinery and muchachas. Yep: Papi! Papi is on her balcony, staring down at Tasha and Alice. O, swear not by the moon, th’inconstant moon … th’inconstant characters and story lines.
Alice: But … you disappeared. I thought you left town, or got arrested by some cop who was pissed off that you slept with his wife. Papi: OK, look who’s talkin’.
Alice protests her innocence and follows Tasha inside. Wow, Papi’s crib – this is a rare opportunity. I wonder what we’ll find there? Something weird, like maybe a room full of yarn or a haven for endangered salamanders? Nope, even weirder: Gabby Deveaux (Guinevere Turner), Alice’s ex. There she is in the bed, all superior and Bettie Page—y. As usual.
Alice: Oh, my f—ing god.
Alice and Tasha sit at Papi’s kitchen table and drink beer. There’s a cute moment where Alice asks, “Is it twist-off?” and Tasha nods. I can picture them doing the same thing in their golden years, only with bottles of Mylanta instead.

The dark side – Jenny welcomes Niki to her house and her bed. Maybe my horror-movie wish is going to come true after all. Jenny almost seems possessed, the way she’s pushing Niki around and looking at her like she’s lunch. Niki, of course, thinks it’s all very passionate. She’s the perfect unsuspecting victim in Jenny’s gruesome game. Get her, Schecter! Tie her up and put her in the attic with the jacket and the love note and those macabre collages you made a few seasons ago!

Sheesh, what a wasted opportunity to play “Cat Scratch Fever,” as Jenny drags her nails down Niki’s back. And then, oh, maybe “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” or something. OK, I’ll stop.

Papi’s playhouse – Alice is examining Papi’s collection of folk art. Don’t ask what kind of folk art – we all know by now that Papi isn’t authentically … well, authentic in any way, really.

Alice: [sarcastically] Beautiful. Mmm. Tasha: You got a problem with it? Alice: You have to admit it’s a little tacky. Tasha: It’s her culture. It’s not tacky. Alice: Oh, come on. Look at the hat!
Everywhere Papi goes, somebody ends up saying, “Look at the hat!”

Tasha thinks this whole thing is emblematic of the relationship problems she and Alice are having.

Tasha: You’re a snob. You weren’t like this when I met you.
I’m pretty much on Tasha’s side here, but I’m not happy that she’s saying this in front of an audience. Papi and Gabby, sporting sheets and mussed hair, have whooshed into the kitchen for a sandwich break. Gabby Da Foe helpfully chimes in with her own assessment of Alice.
Gabby: She was a wannabe, and now she’s a wannabe with money. Ever think about investing in a stylist with all that money, Alice? Tasha: [to Gabby] You need to watch your mouth. Gabby: Ooh! Alice has a big butch daddy to protect her.
Shut up, Gabby. You’re ruining the moment for me; I totally got chills when Tasha got all fierce and protective. Rrrrawrr!

Gabby and Alice continue to snipe at each other.

Gabby: [to Papi] Can you give me the liverwurst one? Alice: Are you sure that’s liverwurst I smell? Gabby: [to Papi] I wonder if your friend knows that her girlfriend used to be nicknamed “Crash,” because she used to show up at parties she wasn’t invited to.
Papi saves the day by stuffing a sandwich in Gabby’s flapping mouth and escorting her out of the kitchen. That little exchange could have been catty in a lighthearted way, but instead it’s the kind of catty that makes a person feel all chewed up. Alice seems relieved to be alone with Tasha again.
Alice: [sighing] That’s what my life used to be like, right there. [very seriously] You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’re strong, you’re honest, you’re beautiful … I’m not ready to lose you.
Tasha seems to accept this. I think, anyway. Please? Stay, Tasha, stay!

The Hit Club – The place has only recently been rechristened and redecorated, but some dyke drama is already in progress. Before it can come to fisticuffs, Helena intervenes.

Helena: Everybody keeps their hands off everybody else in Hit Club. Unless they’re loving hands.
Wow! I guess she learned those badass moves in prison? And now she’s the law in these here parts. Hey, that reminds me: where did Lucy Lawless go? So far, she’s been the most interesting thing about this episode, and she was onscreen for about 30 seconds. While I’m thinking about this, let me make a wish: can we please put Sergeant Mary Beth Duffy and Helena Peabody in a room together?

Shane and her Whole Foods bag slouch up to the bar. Helena joins Shane for some tequila and some truth.

Helena: [matter-of-factly] Women are poison.
Hmm, maybe Helena isn’t dispensing truth after all. I mean, really, the Patron is the poison, if you have too much of it. Oh, so … just like women, actually. Carry on.

Home again – Bette, Tina and Angie are back home. Bette doesn’t get out of the car right away. She apologizes for defending Shane and sending the “wrong message.”

Tina: It doesn’t matter. We just fall on two different sides of this, that’s all. It’s fine.
It is? It doesn’t feel fine. Somebody get the space-age digital thermometer: I think I’m coming down with something.
Bette: Given my history, I just … I don’t want to be … casual about the promise that I made to you. Tina: I didn’t know you’d made any promises.
Ouch. That’s what Bette’s face says. That, and “touché.”
Bette: [whispering, tearfully] Well, I’m making a promise to you right now. I promise that I share your values about family and faithfulness and commitment, and that I will never, ever cheat on you again.
This impresses Tina, who cutely and delightedly quirks an eyebrow. Tina exhales. I want to release my bated breath, too, but I also want to say to Bette what I say to Obama every time I see him on TV: “We believe in you. Please don’t screw this up!”
Tina: [shaking her head] Wow. Bette: [simply] I love you.
Maybe these two need to hang out in the car more often. They seem to really get along there. Here in my car, I feel safest of all!

Papi’s pad – Gabby and Papi are going at it, and Gabby is making some unbelievable noises. It sounds like a failed audition for one of those Herbal Essences commercials. And it’s enough to make Alice and Tasha burst into giggles. Actually, Tasha never really giggles: she has one of those great, deep, hearty laughs that are so delicious and infectious. You gotta love a woman who really laughs.

Alice: Come home with me. I promise I won’t make any gross noises like that.
Tasha agrees, but not before making it clear that she’s not going to sleep with Alice – not even in a friendly, nonsexual way. Probably because the noises that are emanating from Gabby are the sonic equivalent of a bucket of cold water.

Eeek – At Chez Shenny, Jenny and Niki are going at it too, but not for comedic effect. No, this is very serious. I think you could call even this hate sex. And that’s not funny, no matter what the 27 Dresses trailer might lead you to believe.

Rock-a-bye baby – Kit and Helena are trying to rouse Shane, who has nodded off in one of those swinging egg chairs at SheBar – er, the Hit Club. I guess maybe they haven’t really redecorated, then?

Kit takes Shane home, after assuring her that yes, she has the precious Whole Foods bag. What’s in that bag, anyway? The box of crackers that was the temporary home of an old lady’s life savings? That cheddar-in-two-senses cracker box was at a Whole Foods in California, after all – hey, Mama Chaiken, you missed a chance at another “ripped from the headlines” story line!

Alice’s house of abstinence – Tasha is making up the sofa bed. Alice – who is beyond cute in her glasses – begs her to come to the bedroom. But Capt. Williams has slept in much less comfortable places, so the sofa bed is fine by her. Alice confesses that she’s never actually slept on the sofa bed. So of course she has to try it right now.

It’s comfortable enough to lead to some attempts at making out, but Tasha fends Alice off. Once again, Tasha’s laugh is the best. thing. ever.

Tasha: We’re not doing this. Not until we’re sure that we’re gonna stay together.

Alice: Mmm. Tasha: I’m serious. Alice: Oh, I know. You’re serious. Yes. A very serious person. Tasha: Yeah, and you’re not. Another thing we don’t have in common. Alice: Wait a minute. That’s not true. Tasha: It is. Alice: No, I can be very serious!

Alice proceeds to prove this. The proof consists of staring and flaring – her nostrils, that is. This elicits yet more hearty laughter from Tasha. For having nothing in common, these two sure do have a lot of fun. But then Alice really does get serious, and suggests therapy.
Tasha: Oh, hell no, I’m not going to therapy. Alice: Why, what’s wrong with therapy? Tasha: Therapy’s for people with problems. Alice: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, so let’s not go to that. ‘Cause we’re good.
Sigh. Can they be that adorable if they’re wrong for each other? Yeah, I guess they can. But I’m not ready to lose them.

Kit’s crash pad – Kit is trying to comfort Shane and minimize her guaranteed hangover.

Shane: I totally f—ed it. And it wasn’t even worth it – that’s the worst part. Such a waste.
Kit thinks Jenny will get over it, but Shane doesn’t: “She’s too delicate.” Delicate? Is that what we’re calling it these days?
Shane: She’s fragile. And the worst part, the part that makes me the most sick, is that I was probably the last person she would ever expect to do something like this. And I did it. Kit: Yeah, you did it. You know, it seems like her life has just been one big ass-whupping.
Fair point; for now, let’s ignore the whole question of whether some of the whupping was self-inflicted. Anyway, Kit tells Shane to fight for Jenny.
Kit: See, you … kinda just let all your women go. Carmen, Molly. Shane: No, no, no, Jenny’s my friend. Kit: That’s why you can do it. Fight for the friendship. The friendship. Let her know that you’ll fight to the death.
It’s good advice. And hey, Kit actually got some lines! Did you see the interview in Jane and Jane magazine with Pam Grier? They asked her what the most rewarding part of her job is, and she said, “My paycheck.” Ha-ha. Girl!

The morning after – Niki kisses Jenny awake. Mia Kirshner is aging exceptionally well, isn’t she? She looks lovely in the morning light. Niki starts to declare her love for Jenny.

Niki: It was so romantic when you said that I broke your heart.
Uh-oh. Here it comes. Jenny drops a kiss on Niki’s lips, and then drops a bomb on her head.
Jenny: [calmly] You didn’t break my heart. You’re nothing but a self-absorbed, self-indulgent little brat. And our affair on set was nothing but a showmance. And when I said that you broke my heart, I wasn’t talking about you, darling.
Woo! Wow. Sometimes Niki doesn’t really seem to feel much, but she definitely felt that one. Jenny throws the little brat’s clothes at her and tells her to go.

Just … wow! I still think we could veer into horror-movie territory any minute. Jenny’s as close to unhinged as she’s ever been. And yet somehow she’s calmer than ever, too. Dangerous combination. But far preferable to seeing her on the slab.

The war-torn Planet – It’s the next morning. Kit and Shane have just arrived at the Planet for breakfast – I guess this is the “day” into which the long night has been journeying. Helena spots them and tries to steer Shane away from the table where Jenny, Alice, Tasha, Bette and Tina are chewing on recent events. But Shane won’t be swayed from her path: she heads right over to the table. Bette and Tina see her coming and appear to be thinking, “Ruh-roh!” Bette invites Shane to take a seat next to her.

Jenny: If she sits there, then I’m gonna leave.
Bette starts to scold Jenny a little, which doesn’t go over very well with Tina – so Bette shuts up. Tina, you really do hold all the cards now, don’t you?
Shane: [to Jenny] I’d like to talk to you.
Jenny ignores this. She pauses for dramatic effect, and then asks Tasha and Tina to go with her to a different table. The invitees hesitate briefly – Tina mutters an apology to Bette – and then follow Jenny in a show of scorned solidarity. So now we have two camps: Jenny, Tina and Tasha at the table of Wronged Women; and Bette, Shane and Alice at the table of Malleable Morals. It’s like a lesbian West Side Story! Only instead of the Jets and the Sharks, it’s the Cheats and the Narcs.

Helena flits from table to table, finally sighing and settling down with the Cheats. Kit surveys the battlefield.

Kit: Come on now! Y’all gotta be kiddin’, right?
Wrong.

Wait … that’s it? It’s over? Well, OK. Welcome back, L Word. Same as it ever was.

Next time on The L Word: Alice and Tasha go to therapy; Tina continues to fight the heterosexist movie moguls; Bette is reunited with an old friend; Jenny finally deigns to speak to Shane.

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