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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.8 “Lay Down the Law”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Spaghetti: Shane’s favorite dish. Magazines: Prehistoric artifacts. Tszuj/zhoosh: A not-very-hip word we’ve heard twice in two episodes. What year is it again?
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Malaya Rivera Drew weaves her web, Patricia Velásquez has one line, Kate French hits the big time, Clementine Ford rebels, Angela Gots makes a play for Shane, Deanne Bray feels sorry for Bette, Kelly McGillis freaks out.

Ready for her close-up – Woo, hot chick on a motorcycle! And now she’s doing super-cool spy stuff. Hey, is this D.E.B.S.? Or, let’s see, is it another Charlie’s Angels movie? Or is Bette stealing a sign again? Or is Dawn Denbo doing dirty deeds dirt cheap? Or has Kit finally hired an assassin to take out double-D and her lover Cindi? Sigh, no; it’s not half as exciting as any of that. Niki and her manager and agent are screening Niki’s new film, Liquid Heat, in which Niki plays a sexy spy whose husband is also a sexy spy. Haven’t we already seen this movie? Niki’s people are so thrilled, they decide she’s on the verge of becoming a major star, and thus they can now ask for 8 or 12 million per picture. And it just gets better:

Agent/manager: I have a call in to Stuff, and I think we have the cover.
Did she make that call from a time-traveling phone booth or something? Because Stuff folded last August.

Jodi is not Snuffleupagus – Hey, look! Someone other than Bette can see Jodi! Shane and Jodi are training for the Subaru Pink Ride – yeah, remember that? It’s so ineffably refreshing to follow up on something from an earlier episode, instead of dropping it like a gay hot potato! Not that they’ll really follow up – the discussion is all about Molly, because the Fonz thinks her straight-girl crush might actually come to something.

Shane: I like her. But she’s different. Jodi: It’s called heterosexuality.
Is Jodi way more interesting when she’s away from Bette, or what?
Jodi: Maybe she’s a spaghetti girl. Shane: Hmm? Jodi: Straight until wet.
Snicker. And eww. Shane insists she likes all the mind games Molly is playing, but Jodi is skeptical at best. Shane might take Molly to the theater, even though Shane herself hates the theater. It’s not cool to like the theater? Somebody should have told me that before I started peppering the BLWE columns with theater reports. I like the theater, and I never bother with people I hate.

I do wonder when Shane learned the bits of sign language she’s using in this scene. It would have been nice to get a glimpse of her extracurricular activities (other than the obvious one). Regardless, I’m happy for Marlee Matlin: A scene with someone not-Beals must have felt like an entirely new and exciting job.

Jodi decides she’ll have a dinner party and invite Shane and Molly. But Jodi can’t think of other “couples” to invite, so Shane suggests Sam (the D.P. on Lez Girls) and Tina. Uh, bright idea, Fonz.

Controlling the spin – Niki’s agent or manager or whatever (I don’t really know which is which, but I don’t think Niki does either) is confronting Tina about a tabloid headline: “Is Niki a Lez Girl for Real?” The manager/agent – I’ll just call him the managent, sorta like the “analrapist” on Arrested Development – threatens to pull Niki from Lez Girls. Tina convinces him that all they need to do is make sure Niki is photographed with a cute boy at the premiere of her new film. The managent suggests Zac Efron, but Tina doesn’t think Efron is quite right. (I wonder why?) The managent’s next idea is Stavros Niarchos, but Tina doesn’t think Niki should have to settle for “Paris’ sloppy seconds.” But isn’t the whole show going to become Paris’ sloppy seconds?

Then Tina suggests someone from High School Musical, which, well, would seem to be a vote for the so recently pooh-poohed Efron, so I’m just confused.

She tries to think of someone who’s “really boyishly hip” in that “Jane magazine” sort of way. Uh, Jane also folded over six months ago. So instead of “hip,” are we talking hip replacement surgery, maybe?

Right on cue, Greg/Jim/Tim opens the door of Tina’s trailer, asking about a wardrobe something-or-other. The managent and Tina sort of eye him, and after he leaves, the managent says, “I’d f— him.”

Getting physical – Tasha is working out in the Army gym. Oh, to be in the vicinity of (but not too close to) that heavy bag. She’s soon ready to move on to the speed bag, but someone in a hooded sweatshirt is pummeling it. Rocky, is that you? Nah, of course it’s Colonel Davis – and of course that wasn’t really Kelly McGillis pounding that bag, but who cares? She could pulverize it with her steely stare. That scene was way too short. How hot is Rose Rollins?!

Distracted by a (clothes) rack – On the Lez Girls set, Tina finds Jenny to talk to her about the tabloid trauma. But Jenny is otherwise (and hilariously) occupied by high fashion and Niki-Karina conflict. Tina manages to stare her down anyway – it’s chimples vs. hickey in a battle royal! Who will reign supreme? My money’s on the blonde. Jenny’s not very concerned, because she has a head for sin and a bod for business. And she’s a little slow on the uptake when Tina says Niki has to take a date to the Liquid Heat premiere.

Jenny: Oh, she is. She’s taking me. Tina: Not unless you grow a penis.
Maybe that’ll happen next season!

Jenny goes right to Niki’s trailer, where she finds a sobbing starlet. You know how some people are pretty criers and some people are ugly criers? But she’s totally doing it on purpose, and it’s sorta funny. But it’s hard to be funnier than Mia Kirshner, who is displaying mad comedic gifts this season.

Niki: They’re making me take cheese-ball Greg! Jenny: The Greg who plays Tim in the f—ing film?!
Jim, Jenny. Not Tim. I know reality is increasingly blurry for you, but do try to stay with us.
Jenny: That midget?! [screaming] No!
The managent emerges from Niki’s bathroom then, but Jenny doesn’t care what he and his “f—ing purple tie” have to say about anything.
Jenny: What the f— do you think this is, 1952, where you can give her a beard so you can pretend she’s straight?
Shrug. It worked for P!nk, for a little while.

Everybody starts to yell and scream – Niki says, “I love her!” – but it goes nowhere:

Jenny: I will not continue this conversation until you remove the piece of snot that’s dangling from your nose. Managent: You’re so quick. Jenny: No, I’m actually serious. It’s distracting from the seriousness of your argument.
Bwahaha! Oh, Director Schecter.

The telltale glance – In the Army locker room, Tasha and Colonel Davis are getting dressed. A nubile, naked young thing saunters by, and Colonel Carnal gives her the longest, lustiest up-down ever committed to film. And what I meant by “straight” was – In the hair and makeup trailer, a drunken Cammie (remember her? The one who insisted she’s straight at the pot brownie party) wants to have sex with Shane. Just for research purposes, of course.

Shane: Let’s not forget, you’re not gay. You’re just gay for pay, right?
Shane – well, color me startled – refuses to play, though not in time to get Cammie’s shirt back on before Begoña barges in. Begoña seems pretty upset about this situation. Almost green, even. She storms out. Shane promises Cammie she will swear Begoña to secrecy and tells Cammie to go home. Molly really must be getting to Shane, if she’s going to pass up opportunities that fall into her lap like that.

BTW, is it just me, or does Cammie look sorta like a Dark Crystal Muppet? Bride of FrankenBette – Whoa. The hair. The horror! Bette arrives at Jodi’s loft, where preparations are already under way for the dinner party. Bette’s not happy to hear that Sam and Tina will be there.

Bette: They’re not together. Jodi: Doesn’t matter. It’s not a couples dinner.
Never mind that you explicitly used the word couple when you and Shane concocted the whole farkakte idea!

Bette grabs a nearby bottle of wine, but she isn’t the type to drown her sorrows when she can rock the boat instead.

Bette: Did it ever occur to you to maybe ask me first before you invited Tina? Jodi: No.
You have to love the way Jodi “handles” her.
Jodi: What are you so upset about? Bette: [sighing] Oh, it’s just my hair. It looks terrible.
Nah, that’s not really what Bette says. She stammers about how ex-a-rific the whole thing is (Jodi’s ex is invited too) and is sure that will all add up to a “nightmare lesbian dinner party.” Yeah, like the one you had fairly recently? Why are you trying again already?
Jodi: Then don’t come. But let me know.
Nicely done! Bette gives in and says of course she’ll come to the party. Jodi punctuates the whole thing by handing Bette an onion to chop.

Dressing for duty – As the awesome “What’s Going On?” by Marvin Gaye plays in the background, Tasha gets ready for the hearing. Hhhhhhotttt.

Colonel Davis looks very smart too, and reminds me of Glenn Close in Serving in Silence. Alice has dressed for the occasion as well – that is, she seems to think it’s 1942 and we’re all working in factories and coping with sugar rations. Or maybe she has just auditioned to be the fourth Andrews Sister. Colonel Davis greets her with a faux friendliness that makes Alice squirm. And then the hearing begins and everybody squirms – only you can’t tell, because they’re soldiers. In their opening statements, Colonel Davis focuses on rules and codes, while Captain Beech emphasizes Tasha’s exemplary service. But Colonel Davis’ voice is shaking, just a little.

The Planet – Kit shows Shane the tabloid with Niki on the cover.

Kit: What the f— am I gonna do with these she-bitches? Shane: You got them closed down. What else would you want? Kit: Yeah, but they gonna open back up. And when they do, guess what? Everybody’s gonna go over there wanting to look at that Niki Stevens and her greasy ass. Shane: So go pull a Tony Soprano and get ’em whacked.
Kit seems to consider this. (“Greasy ass”? Haha! And she says it like “greezy.”)

Nearby, Molly and Phyllis are talking. Molly, are you trying to say something with your new hair? It’s like, “I’m straight, I’m straight!” Or at least that’s what your mother wants to believe. But she’s not pleased that you have broken up with your boyfriend and don’t want to go to law school.

Molly: What’s the point? It’s so pedestrian.
Phyllis thinks pedestrian professions are better than others she could name. Like, say, Shane’s.
Phyllis: She’s a hairdresser. That’s what happens to people who don’t get an education. They wind up in the service professions.
Molly thought Shane was Phyllis’ friend, but Phyllis says she’s just a friend “to party with.” She thanks her stars that Molly’s not a lesbian who might fall prey to Shane’s wiles. And that’s when Molly stands up in a huff.
Phyllis: Where are you going? Molly: To go gay for Shane. We’re gonna adopt Chinese babies and live in a trailer park.
These two are hilarious – the funny must run in the family – but Molly’s a little bit serious, too. It seems Shane called her, but Molly didn’t return the call. She still wants to see Shane tonight at the dinner party, and Shane is obviously interested but plays it cool. Just like the Fonz would!

Do you hear what I hear? – The hearing is still dragging on. It ought to be Dramatic and Tense, but because it’s been such a long time coming, it’s more like Drudging and Tedious.

It’s all sunny for Tasha so far; one Specialist Martinez even testifies, “I would serve under her anytime.” Mm hmm.

Still raging – Having failed to get her point across to Jodi, Bette is in Tina’s trailer, wondering why on earth she would accept the dinner party invitation.

Tina: I thought it was coming from both of you.

Bette: Why would I want you to bring some girl who’s after you to Jodi’s dinner party?

Bette – who is standing, confrontationally, while Tina sits on a sofa – finally asks the question that’s been floating between them for far too long:
Bette: You and I just are … we just have some kind of fling? And you’re OK with that?

Tina: It’s kind of a foregone conclusion, don’t you think? Bette: No. No, it’s not, not for me. Tina: [after a long pause] I don’t wanna break up you and Jodi. That’s not anything I want. I don’t wanna be part of that. Bette: What if I want to? Tina: Do you?

Bette: I really don’t like who I am becoming right now, and when I think about Angie, it’s just … it’s just not behavior that I want to model for our daughter.
Tina swallows hard and asks Bette what she wants to do. Tina, you are nothing but classy and awesome this season. I’m so glad you have found yourself again, because you sure were absent for a while.

They agree to “stop” (the fling, that is) and to try to get some kind of clarity. They’re so relieved to have made the right choice, they don’t even seem to mind that they probably have no intention of following their own advice.

A different tone at the hearing – Colonel Davis manages to break Specialist Martinez. She gets her to admit that she was “uncomfortable” receiving special attention from Tasha. Sigh. It’s time for a recess. In the hallway, Tasha tells Alice that Martinez folded. Alice is nice and expresses her sympathy, but things are tense between them.

Alice wants to know when she’ll be called to testify. Well, I don’t know when they’re gonna call you, but I have a guess at what they’re gonna call you: the Boogie Woogie Bugle Girl of Company B. Or would that be Company T? Colonel Davis interrupts to tell Alice she won’t be needed until tomorrow. Alice and Tasha nervously step away from each other, but Davis says it’s OK for them to talk to each other. Talking’s fine if you got the time, but I ain’t got the time to spare!

The dinner party – Sam and Tina arrive. Tina would love some wine, but Sam doesn’t drink when she’s shooting.

Bette: I’d think you would need a stiff drink after being mired in Jenny’s masturbatory opus all day long.
Masturbatory! Yeah, it’s right around the corner from Meta Town! But wait: If the show itself is aware of its masturbatory qualities, do I really need to point out said qualities? I’ve gone from recapper to rehasher in four seconds flat.

Bette makes the introductions. Amy (Jodi’s ex) is there, and so is Melinda (Amy’s new girlfriend). And Molly and Shane. So much tension!

The premiere – Niki and her beard stroll down the red carpet. Jenny and Adele (eek, look at them!) approach the throng of paparazzi, but Jenny has been banned by the managent and is not allowed to go inside the theater. Adele tells Jenny to text Niki, so Jenny does, while telling the security guard, “I don’t like you.” And then, seeing how unlikely it is that Niki will get the text, Adele graciously agrees to go in and tell Niki about the “huge mistake.”

Jenny: [waving her away] I feel like an a–hole.
Aw. I actually feel sorry for Director Schecter, so close to the red carpet and yet so far! Adele is happy to take her turn on it though.

Awkwardness and Moroccan food – While Bette gazes longingly at Tina, Molly and Shane talk amongst themselves. Molly says she and her boyfriend just didn’t have that tszuj/zhoosh together. Wait: Alice used that word last week, and now here it is again. Why? It was a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy word, and it feels about a hundred years old now.

On that note, Molly and Shane go out to have a cigarette.

Bette and Jodi sign to each other about Molly and Shane. Tina, feeling left out, interrupts and does that yelling thing people sometimes stupidly do in the presence of deaf people. But despite that faux pas, Bette’s the one who feels like a heel.

Bette: We didn’t mean to exclude you. Tina: Yes, you did. Bette: No, we didn’t. Tina: Yes, you did. Bette: What did you say? Tina: Nothing.
Yiiiiikes. Sam beats a hasty retreat to the bathroom. Jodi gets up to show her where it is. Wait for me!

Amy is surprised that Jodi has never made Indian food for Bette. But, as Tina explains, Bette once got very sick in India.

Tina: She was so weak, I practically had to carry her through Jaipur.
They laugh a little and look at each other with a lot more tenderness than they were showing a minute ago. Aw. You’ll always have Jaipur.

A significant cigarette – Molly and Shane are flirting and smoking. Shane insists she doesn’t want to sleep with Molly.

Shane: Well, to be honest, I thought about it. But I came to the conclusion that if it was to happen, you would probably freak out afterwards. And then you’d most likely go running back to your boyfriend in Vermont, and then I’d be stuck in the cold with nothing but the distant memory of mediocre sex. And I’d be out of cigarettes. Molly: Here’s your cigarette. And I am not mediocre in bed.
Molly’s a brat. I kinda like it. So does Shane. And then, of course, they kiss – Molly instigates it. But Shane definitely reciprocates. And then Molly freaks out and asks Shane to take her home. Surprise!
Shane: Told you.
The premiere – Jenny texts Adele, who is inside mingling while Jenny stands and waits and feels like an a-hole. Adele texts back that she can’t get near Niki but is still trying. As in, not trying at all.

Why do their phones make beepy noises like they’re in Tron or something?

Kitchens turn us on – Bette clears the dishes. Tina emerges from the bathroom. Conveniently, everyone else is either gone or up on the roof looking at Jodi’s sculpture.

Bette: This is really one of the most excruciating things I’ve been through.
Tina does her best to make it a little more bearable. Make that unbearable. Bette suggests that they make an appointment with Dan Foxworthy, that therapist they saw way back in Seasons 1 and 2. Just as they are about to kiss, the others return from the roof and Bette and Tina bounce away from each other like billiard balls.

Everyone makes their excuses and goes home feeling weird.

The premiere – It’s over! Jenny missed the whole thing. On the way out, Adele whispers to Niki that she should kiss Greg for the photo op, and Niki does. Jenny looks on with tears in her eyes. Then she cries on Adele’s shoulder. How can she be so trusting?!

Back at the hearing – Oh, look, OurChart is on the show again! How I’ve missed it. Colonel Davis presents it as a very loathsome thing. She’s quite convincing, but so is Beech when he points out that Tasha’s name is nowhere on the site.

Alice finally gets to testify. She must be thinking, “Crap, I had only one WWII outfit and now I have to look all modern.” Colonel Davis gets right to the point.

Colonel Davis: So, you’re a lesbian, Miss Pieszecki? Alice: Last time I checked.
OK; just don’t check Season 1!

Colonel Davis wants to know how Alice and Tasha met. Oh, never mind that; Papi was apparently a figment of everyone’s imagination, so don’t bring her up now.

Colonel Davis: Have you had sexual relations with Captain Williams? Alice: [after a pause] You know what? This whole thing, this whole thing is a crock. It’s a frickin’ witch hunt. I mean, you’re trying to say Tasha’s a lesbian because of her association with me, with lame trumped-up evidence. I’m sorry, but I could just as easily say that I think you’re a lesbian, Colonel Davis, with a propensity to engage in homosexual conduct, because of the way you looked at me in the hallway yesterday.
Woo! Way to use your outing powers for good! Colonel Davis tries to stop her, but Alice goes on.
Alice: If all I have to do is establish that you know a lesbian, one lesbian, and maybe you had lunch with her once? I bet there aren’t a lot of women who wear that uniform who haven’t eaten out with a lesbian in their time.
Colonel Davis hastily requests a recess. In the conference room, she freaks out and makes a deal with Alice, agreeing to stop the witch hunt in exchange for Alice’s assurances that she won’t out Colonel Davis or ever go anywhere near her again.
Alice: You will never hear from me again.
Well then. Alice was totally bluffing, Colonel Carnal!

Alice: [after the Colonel storms out] Oh, my God!

Finally telling – Alice finds Tasha outside and tells her about the deal with Colonel Davis. And now it’s Tasha’s turn to testify.

Colonel Davis: Do you agree that the military codes of conduct be strictly adhered to at all times? Tasha: I always have. Until now. Colonel Davis: I’m sorry? Tasha: [taking a deep breath] One of the things that is asked of us when we go to the front lines is that we be prepared to be separated from the people that we love. And we ask it of them, too. We ask them to go and let us fight for their freedom, maybe to never come home. And when we do come home, we feel blessed. It seems so wrong now to have my personal freedom denied to me within my own country. It seems wrong to watch the person that I love be interrogated like a criminal when she did nothing wrong. Colonel Davis: The person you love? To whom are you referring, Captain Williams? Tasha: Alice Pieszecki, Colonel.
Huh. That was entirely anticlimactic. Why didn’t she stand up and interrupt during Alice’s testimony? Or why didn’t Colonel Davis break down in the hearing room when Alice hinted that she was gay? Or why didn’t gay soldiers crowd the hallway and demand to be heard and be given equal rights? Or why didn’t something, anything, dramatic happen? All the drama has gone out of the melodrama!

Tasha runs out to find Alice and give her the good news.

Alice: So what happened in there?

Tasha: I told them I love you.

And even that moment can’t be a big moment, because Beech stops by to say goodbye and Colonel Davis stops by to say one last thing.
Colonel Davis: Personal freedom is an enviable thing, but personal sacrifice to ensure that many more Americans can enjoy their freedom – that’s the nobler cause.
They exchange salutes, and that’s that. Well, not quite: Tasha pulls Alice to her, and they kiss in full view of all the milling military types. Some of whom are pretty impressed. They kiss some more, and Tasha picks Alice up and spins her around. It’s like they’re that sailor and nurse in Times Square on V-J Day. It’s V-Gay Day! Thank God that war is over! Even if I’m not sure who won.

Next time on The L Word: Niki and Greg/Jim/Tim get closer; Shane and Molly get way closer; Jodi knows something’s up with Bette.

Serving in Silence photo research assistance provided by Phantom.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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