“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.3 “Lady of the Lake”


Home, sour home — Alice arrives at her apartment to find Tasha on the couch, looking glum. Oh, does Tasha live there now? Obviously she at least has a set of keys.

Tasha shows Alice the very official and very ominous-looking papers.

Alice: Fffaahhkk.

Alice is relieved that her name doesn’t appear anywhere on the papers, but Tasha assures her they know who she is. And it gets even more grim when Alice asks what they have to do to win.

Tasha: I have to lie.

Alice: Isn’t that against your military code of honor? [after silence from Tasha] What do I have to do? Do you need me to disappear for a while? Do you need me to leave you alone?
Tasha: [taking her hand] No. That’s not what I want.

Alice: Because I can do that. I know it’s late in the game, but I can do that. I can be really on the D.L., you know? Like, just be really discreet, like a nonexistent girlfriend. I want you to know I can do that.

Can you? Doesn’t it, uh, sort of go against everything you’ve ever done and ever been? I think Tasha’s weak smile means she doubts the offer is genuine, and maybe even hopes it’s not.

Alice promising to be discreet and nonexistent is like Kit promising not to say “Girl!” anymore. Or Jenny promising not to be a kook. Or Shane promising not to have sex.

Big Bear — Bette and Jodi have arrived at their lakeside retreat. They’re late, though; everyone else is asleep (well, everyone except the chorus of frogs in the background). But they don’t really mind, because they have some kissing and canoodling to do.

Oh, the places they’ll go! — Helena and Dusty are putting together a puzzle. It’s a map of the Pacific, or at least the part of the Pacific where you’ll find the Society Islands. Are maps allowed in prison? Forget the maps, actually — what about puzzles? You could force a puzzle piece down someone’s throat and totally choke them. Yeah, never mind; clearly I wouldn’t last a day behind bars.

But wait a sec. How cute is it that they’re whiling away the evening by doing a puzzle? It’s more like they’re retired, not restrained.

It seems that Dusty inherited property on Tahaa, a flower-shaped island that smells of vanilla. She hopes to go there if she ever gets out of jail. Helena says, “You will,” and kisses the Tahaa puzzle piece.

A guard interrupts their reverie; Helena has a visitor. She’s surprised to hear this because it’s 10:00 at night, but the guard says she has friends in high places.

Helena: Be right back.

Dusty: Yeah, right.

As Helena turns to go, Dusty calls her back and gives her the puzzle piece.

You can hear Lucia Rijker’s accent (she’s Dutch) in this scene, and it’s kind of sweet. Oh, fine, I’m just sweet on these two. If you share my fondness, check out the nice photos on Lucia’s website, like this one:

Anyway, back to the prison. Guess who Helena’s visitor is? Peggy Peabody, in the very fine flesh. As she strides down that ridiculous hall of holding cells, an inmate gets fresh:

Inmate: Oooh, let me eat your p—y.

Peggy: [stopping and facing the woman squarely] Were I receptive to such a proposition, it would first require a full booty check. And were you to pass muster, baby, I’d give it to you family style.

I just gasped so forcefully that it sounded like I was choking on a puzzle piece. Holland Taylor, you are one hot mama!

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