“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.3 “Lady of the Lake”

Working out her demons — Alice and Tina arrive at the gym. Shane’s already there; in fact, she’s been there since 5:30. In the morning.

Shane: Morning, lazy asses.

Alice and Tina: F— off, you freak.

Shane is on her third day of abstinence, having sworn off sex and “all the crap that goes along with it.” Like girls throwing rocks through her windows (that was one of the bridesmaids from the last episode) and setting fire to her property. She must be pretty loopy from the deprivation already, because she just explained the whole thing twice.

Shane: I have never, ever felt so freakishly clear-headed or highly energized.

Are you sure you don’t mean clearly freak-headed? Nah, your hair really does look pretty good this season.

Tina: Speaking of freakish, look at Jenny’s new assistant.

Nearby, Adele is doing her mistress’s bidding, which is to say that she’s placing weights in Jenny’s hands, which causes the frail diva to teeter uncertainly. Careful, Adele; you might put her in a permanent walk-like-an-Egyptian pose!

Alice thinks Adele deserves credit for her dedication, but Tina says, “There’s something seriously wrong with that girl.” I for one can’t wait to find out exactly how she steals Jenny’s thunder.

Tina and Alice talk about Tina’s date with Denise, the mortgage broker.

Tina: We didn’t have anything in common. I don’t know, you’re going to say I’m a snob, but —

Shane: Tina, honey, you are a snob. I mean, come on, we love you, but you’re a snob.

Alice suggests that Tina find someone in the movie biz, but Tina nixes that idea.

Alice: Tina. Picky, picky, picky. Really. Gaaahl!

So cute. They decide Tina should find someone in the art world, or “art-adjacent,” and should also look for someone on OurChart. That last idea doesn’t sit well with Tina.

(Hey, Alice, what’s happening to your tattoo? The days of stars and rainbows are over for you?)

They all get distracted by Adele and Jenny. The diva is making her assistant check her pulse, bring her water, do everything except lick her gym shoes. Well, maybe that too; who knows what happened in the locker room?

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