Yet another version of that scene — How many ways can our heroines sit around a table in tension? Well, here’s another: At The Planet, present day, everyone’s picking at their breakfast and trying not to talk about the Bette-Jodi fiasco.
Oh, I must pause to note that Shane is reading the New York Times. Hey, Phyllis, does this change your opinion of the barely literate service professional?
Max — who appears to be eating oatmeal, and I find that completely endearing — volunteers that Tom and Jodi have been in touch. Jodi is staying with a friend.
Tasha: It’s good that she has friends.
Shane: Yeah, but we’re her friends, too. [after she sees Tasha's face] I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude. I apologize.
Hey, I think Tasha is eating oatmeal, too. I’m totally craving some now.
The tension is so thick, you could cut it with a knife fashioned from the leg of a prison cot. (What? I miss Dusty.) Alice asks Bette whether she has spoken to Jodi at all, but Bette says Jodi hasn’t returned any of her calls.
Kit: [huffing] Would you blame her?
Bette: I’m not “blaming” her.
Jenny: Ladies, please, don’t fight. I can’t stand it when sisters do that.
Alice: Jenny, this isn’t a scene in your movie. You don’t have to direct today.
Tasha: Stay out of it, Alice.
Alice: You are so PMS-ing. Please.
Tasha: I’m not PMS-ing. You’re the one that’s PMS-ing. You’ve been flying off the handle over every single thing this morning.
Whoa. Uh, what? PMS-ing? Really? I can’t even comment. Oh, fine, I’ll comment: That’s ridiculous.
Max: I’m so glad I don’t have to go through that anymore.
Kit: I second that emotion.
Ha ha! It never would have occurred to me that Max and Kit might bond over their respective escapes from Aunt Flo, but I love it. I have never wanted to write for The L Word, but can I please write for the spin-off sitcom, Max and Kit’s Low-Estrogen Getaway? I picture lots of piña coladas and karaoke.
The testiness continues to fester as Shane and Tina square off about call times, and then the predators, Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi, arrive to take advantage of their prey’s weakened state.
Dawn Denbo: What’s the matter? You all look a little down. What is it? PMS? Did you all sync up on the Subaru Pink Ride?
OK. Hold up. One bit of PMS-oriented dialogue is more than enough. Two instances in under two minutes is just wrong. It’s also suspicious: Mama Chaiken, are you, uh, going through the change? Or did you hire a couple of frat boys to write this scene? “They’re, like, on the rag! They’re totally bitchy! It’ll be hilarious!”
Dawn and her lover Cindi have big news.
Dawn Denbo: Does the name Ivan Aycock ring a bell?
Yeah, and Ivan rang my bell, in general! (And Beals’ bell, too.) But anyway, it can’t be good that Dawn has made his acquaintance.
Dawn Denbo: Wasn’t easy to find ol’ Ivan, let me tell you. But I have my ways. Anyway, I tracked her down, and God bless her, she couldn’t have been happier to unload her 51 percent of The Planet.
Gasp! I mean, I actually gasped! Of course, I saw this on a screener before I knew a thing about the episode, so I really didn’t see that coming. (And I really don’t like the fact that Dawn keeps calling Ivan a “she.” Nor the idea of Ivan being happy to break his silent partnership with Kit. And especially not the fact that we don’t actually get to see Kelly Lynch.)
Dawn Denbo: I would say that she was actually practically gleeful to sell it to me.
Bette: [standing up] How f—ing dare you?!
Tasha: You know what? Get the f— outta here.
I love that Tasha doesn’t shy away from a fight, even when it’s not really her battle. Lover Cindi, meanwhile, is standing there like Silda Spitzer, looking dubious as her disgraceful mate gives a speech.
Dawn Denbo: You can’t really tell us to get the f— outta here, because we own this place.
Kit shrieks, “What?!” and overturns the table, just like Tina did. And like Nina did. And like some other hapless soul probably will again someday.
Kit: You m—–f—in’ liar!
She storms out, and on that note, Dawn and Cindi take their leave, too. They promise to return with a decorator. Yeah, go ahead and rearrange the furniture, Denbo — Kit’s gonna rearrange your face!