Phyllis' party â€” Helena is schmoozing with a guy who's an old friend of her mother's. But she can't continue to play the heiress because there's a problem in the kitchen: Something's burning, and in the process of trying to rescue it, Helena slams into a guy with a tray of glasses and thus gets glass all over the rest of the food.
Um. Next to the doily-rific kissing, that's only mildly amusing. What job will Helena screw up next? Tollbooth operator? Pedicurist? Dog walker? Soda jerk?
Alice wants a ride â€” Alice is chatting with enigmatic, cool Tasha, who's not unmoved by approachable, warm Alice.
Alice: So, how long have you known Papi?
Tasha: Five years.
Alice: Five years? Wow. How'd you meet her?
Tasha: Hangin' out.
Alice: Oh. Ya like hangin' out?
Tasha: It's a'ight.
It continues along those terse lines when Alice asks Tasha why she wasn't at the basketball game with Papi's crew. Tasha says she was out of town. Alice just sort of nods, so Tasha finally gives in and gives her something to work with. "I guess I like workin' on my ride. I got a Triumph Scrambler."
Alice: Get the f— outta town. You have a motorcycle?! F—, that's cool. 'Cause I have this kinda new obsession with motorcycles. I dunno why, but I want one. Wow. How fast do you go?
Tasha: On the open road I've taken her up to about 120.
Alice: A hundred and twenty? Miles an hour? Dayumn, that's fast. Very.
Tasha: I'll take you for a ride sometime.
Alice: Really? I would love that. That'd be cool.
I am embarrassed by the goofy grin on my face. I'm not alone: Alice is wearing one too.
Alice's cell phone interrupts. It's Helena; she needs Alice to bring her some caviar so she can salvage the party.
Bad girls â€” Bette is high. You can tell this because she's saying the party is so much better than she thought it would be. Jodi says, "You are much naughtier than I thought you would be." As if to demonstrate, Bette asks for more. Jodi asks Tom whether he thinks Bette has ever been "really jacked up," but Tom says he'd rather preserve his vision of Dean Porter as the "impenetrable ice queen." This elicits one of those stoned laughs from Bette â€” the deep, throaty kind that come out when you open your mouth as wide as it can possibly go. And then Bette says, "That is so f—ed up," and proceeds to offer up some more THC-laced, halting sentences. It's divine.
A crashing party â€” Alice is trying to leave, having delivered the caviar Helena wanted. When Phyllis sees Alice, they both freeze a little, and it just gets worse when Alice makes small talk with Leonard, Phyllis' husband. Then Alice sees the conveniently placed (and glaringly Photoshopped) family photographs. Phyllis looks like she's about to bite into her wine glass.
Alice leaves without looking at Phyllis.
Back in the high life â€” Bette is telling a story about the time she and Tina were on a yacht and a senator with a cigarillo-sized penis tried to hit it with them. (Like how I just condensed a way-too-long story into one sentence?)
It's getting so cozy and comfortable, it's clearly time to up the stakes: Jodi asks Bette whether she knows how to shotgun. "Well, you're just gonna have to find out," says Bette. Surprise, surprise: she does know, and the smoke almost leads to a kiss â€” but then they stop when they hear someone exiting the house. They see Phyllis walking by the pool, following Alice.
Phyllis tries to explain her loveless marriage to Alice and tells Alice she loves her. But Alice says she never even thought for a second that Phyllis had a husband and kids. Never mind that Bette told her to think about that last week. Alice says it's just not right and it can't work. Phyllis holds tight to Alice's hands, but Alice just turns and walks away.
Bette looks on sadly as Phyllis goes back inside.
NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD: Jenny continues to scheme against Stacey; Tasha and Alice take things slow; Bette and Jodi speed things up.