The L Word Recaps: Episode 4.5 “Lez Girls”


Sounder, you're lucky you can't see this — Angstus is giving Hazel a guitar lesson. If you know what I mean. Unfortunately, that really is what I mean: One minute he's showing her how to keep her wrist loose, and the next minute she's showing him how she keeps her morals loose.

I'm probably protecting you too much. So here's a snippet of dialogue to convey just how horrific this is:

Angus: [demonstrating how to strum the guitar] You wanna keep this up-and-down movement goin' no matter what.
Hazel: I don't usually have a problem keeping my up-and-down movement.

Hey, Angus, have you ever noticed what happens if you take the G out of your name? Also, have you ever noticed what happens if you don't take your dick out of your pants when you're not in the presence of your girlfriend or a urinal? You might find it makes for a pleasant life.

I guess these two could be considered a parody of straight soap opera couples or something. But aren't parodies supposed to make you laugh rather than vomit?

The Planet — Shane is listening to Kit's new record. She's got the big headphones on, and she's groovin' to the beats. She tells Kit it's good.

Kit: Really?
Shane: Mmm hmmm.
Kit: I haven't played it for Angus yet. He's been so down on himself lately.

Oh, no, you di'n't. You did not just set up that joke. I ain't playin'.

Shay wants to listen too, but Kit says it's not for tender ears. Shane gets all mom-like and says, "No, no," and also tells Shay to quit scratching under his cast with a dinner knife because "It's not good for you." Wow. Shane as the arbiter of health. When did this show slip through a wormhole?

As if to answer my question, Papi arrives and greets Kit: "Whassup, beautiful?" Kit says "Hola." Please don't encourage her, Kit.

Papi's really there to talk to Shane about the "problema" that's unresolved because they didn't finish the basketball game.

Shane: Look, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Papi: Oh, really? A'ight, so lemme break this down for you, OK? Now that you're in my solar system, I can't have you dimming my stars and s—.
Kit: You must be kidding.
Shane: Yeah, seriously, that's Alice's thing. That's not me.
Papi: F—, man, I'm just f—in' wit you. Like the foxy lady said, I'm just kidding.

I love the way Shane's been looking at Papi — as if she's from another solar system indeed. You know, the Wayward Accent System in the Repugnant Hat Galaxy.

Cooking — Phyllis and Alice are at Alice's apartment, where Helena has been cooking all day. Phyllis is glad to see that Helena's getting five kinds of crostini ready for the big fund-raising event, but she's much more excited about the prospect of getting some alone time with Alice. As Helena runs down the menu, Phyllis makes lots of unsubtle faces at Alice, who responds with the sort of trapped look Sounder probably had when Jenny adopted him.

Alice offers to help Helena — "I'm a good chopper" — but Phyllis whisks her away to the bedroom, where she throws Alice on the bed.

Alice: Wooo! Cool your jets, there, Phyllis.

Phyllis has a present for Alice: The Whole Lesbian Sex Book.

Phyllis: Is it a faux pas?
Alice: No, no.
Phyllis: I was thinking we were having such a wonderful time and, just to try to keep everything just fresh and exciting, maybe we could experiment.
Alice: Right. Right, right, right, right. Like, uh … let's see … [flipping to a page] oh! Anilingus!
Phyllis: Sure!
Alice: Yeah. [putting the book down] You know what, I'm sorry. Yes! Yes, let's experiment!

Phyllis says she wants to do everything in that book. Alice says Phyllis is going to wear her out and she's going to need a pinch hitter. But Phyllis says Alice is the only one she needs. Alice tells her she really should explore:

Alice: You're a new star. You're gonna be very sick of staying in this tiny little orbit.
Phyllis: Oh, you and your charts and your solar systems. Alice, you and I are binary stars.
Alice: [worriedly] Right.
Phyllis: Orbiting a central system of mass. Bound by gravity.
Alice: OK.

And then they giggle and make out. But Phyllis isn't kidding about the mass: She's seriously thinking of Alice as her one and only. Heavy, heavy.

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