Taught â€” Bette is finishing up a lecture. Nadia keeps interrupting with transparent questions and far-too-familiar comments. It's just downright dissy, because when you're in Dean Porter's classroom, you should shut the fahhhkkk up and learn.
Bette quotes Jeanette Winterson as she wraps up. Really? Winterson? Oh, gee, let me find something more obviously gay: Here's my unread copy of The Well of Loneliness. Also, here's a pair of Birkenstocks. And a labrys. And a cat and a Subaru and a backward baseball cap. Go drink this chamomile tea and write some poetry! I'm talking to you, EZ Girl, purveyor of clichÃ©s.
After the lecture, Bette gives Nadia a lecture:
Bette: Nadia, I'd like a word with you.
Nadia: I think I'd like more than that with you.
Bette: Nadia. Just listen to me. You're a beautiful girl. And I had a wonderful time with you. But what happened can never happen again.
Nadia: I think you're being overly sensitive to me.
Bette: No. I'm being very serious. We made a mistake. Do you understand me?
Nadia: I understand that you want me as much as I want you.
Bette: [shaking her head] It's over. And that's final.
Nadia: OK, I'm sorry. I'll be more careful around campus.
Bette: If you continue to ignore what I'm saying to you, then I'm going to take disciplinary action. And I will take the consequences. Believe me. Do you understand me now?
Nadia: I'm sorry, Dean Porter. I understand that you're serious.
Nadia sorta sounds like Anne Heche when she talks. And we all know how that turned out.
Back to school night â€” While the teacher talks, Shane scribbles on the chalkboard. And some of the parents babble about Shane: "Maybe Patti Smith's just here for the free food." Speaking of free, has Mom No. 2 been stealing from Kit's wardrobe? Check out that shirt.
As Shane registers the sniping, another mom interrupts to tell her to ignore it. She introduces herself: She's Paige, Jared's mom, but more important, she's played by Kristanna Loken, which means she's giant. Shane looks even more Hobbit-like in comparison.
The teacher interrupts to tell Shane that Shay is doing well, but should probably be involved in some activities. Shane says she doesn't know how helpful she can be in this department, because she's just filling in and she knows Shay misses his family a lot. The teacher takes Shane over to a convenient bulletin board titled "My Family" and reveals Shay's contribution: It's a drawing of Shay and Shane holding hands, with Shay's parents in the background. Awww.
Bette's house â€” Bette is scolding Alice: "I cannot believe you f—ed my boss."
Bette: Do you understand the consequences of this?
Alice: Really intense, great orgasms?
Bette: I'm serious, Alice. She's never been with a woman before.
Alice: She coulda fooled me. Bette, just chill. I mean, everybody has their first time, OK? And I have to say, I'm a very good first.
Bette: She's not just some girl on your chart. Right? Phyllis is the executive vice chancellor of a major university, married with children, considerably older than you.
Alice: Right, exactly, which is why I thought that she would, you know, she knows what she's doing. Come on, it's all about me broadening my horizons right now, OK? And I … I liked trying an older vintage.
Bette: Well, I just hope it doesn't blow up in your face. Or mine, more to the point.
Alice: OK, but when she ate me out, it was â€”
Bette: Nonono lalalalalaaaaa! No!
I love it when Bette is funny. And when she's in scenes with Alice. Yeah, I know I love Bette, period, but come on: These little scenes rock.
Alice wants to talk about basketball instead. Bette says she hasn't played basketball since junior year of high school, which of course only encourages Alice. She tells Bette their honor is at stake, but Bette says she has a report due and a speech to write and five budgets â€” at which point Alice says she'll just tell Phyllis to order Bette to play.
Am I the only one who's starting to think of these two as the super couple?