The L Word Recaps: Episode 1 “Pilot”


The CAC — Bette is talking about pornography and art. There is a penis on the wall, directly behind her head. Thanks. Tina is in the audience; the guy next to her tells her that Bette is awesome and that they’re a beautiful couple. Tina must feel so validated.

Milk (a bar) — Alice and Dana lament the shallowness of their dating pool.

A rooftop — Jenny and Marina look at the city lights, and at the sparks that are flying between them. They kiss … it’s rather electric, I must admit.

The CAC — That guy is still talking about what an amazing couple Bette and Tina are — he tells them they’re “f—ing sexy.” While he goes off to get drinks, Bette gets an idea.

Bette: I have a thought. It might be crazy.
Tina: What?
Bette: I know you’re ovulating. Do you think he’s attractive?
Tina: Is he a good artist?
Bette: Who cares?
Tina: What about Dan Foxworthy?
Bette: Oh, f— Dan Foxworthy. It’s our life. We don’t need his permission to do what we think is right for us.
Tina: And you’re OK with …?
Bette: I wanna have a baby with you. And if we make it together, that’s enough for me to know that it’s our baby.
Tina: OK.
Bette: Yeah?
Tina: Yeah. You sure?
Bette: Yeah.

Milk — Dana decides someone’s not her type because she looks like she’s been around the block a few times. Shane wants to know what’s wrong with that. Alice sees someone she likes and hasn’t seen before, and wonders if that’s possible.

Shane: Fresh meat.
Alice: New blood.
Dana: Crispy!
Alice: [to Dana, shaking her head] Uh uh.

Bette and Tina’s house — Oh God, they’ve brought the guy home and are going to have sex with him. Really? Must you?

Marina’s house — Jenny and Marina are having sex. Finally. They’ve got Kinnie Starr playing in the background. (Kinnie Starr! I loved her in Down and Out With the Dolls. I even sent her an email to tell her how great she is, because I’m prone to stalkerness.) Anyway, Marina’s … well, let’s just say that yeah, she owns the planet. Her hands are exactly where Jenny wants them to be, and then her mouth is too, and I’m glad I’m recording this.

Bette and Tina’s house — Bette and Tina kiss while the guy watches and starts to undress. Tina looks pretty uncertain. So do I. Bette looks kind of jealous when the guy kisses Tina. If that guy weren’t in the scene, I’d be riding the high that Marina and Jenny gave me, because Bette and Tina are good kissers. But then the guy says he wants Bette to make love to Tina while he makes love to Bette, and of course that’s not going to work. Bette tells him how it’s gonna be, and he’s willing to follow instructions. But then he gets out a condom, and of course they don’t want him to use that, because they’d rather get an STD as well as get pregnant. He figures out what’s going on, gets pissed off, and leaves. Whew. That was a close one!

Afterward, Bette asks Tina whether she was turned on by the guy. No, says Tina, and by way of demonstration, explains what really turns her on.

After the bar — Alice and Dana agree that they will never sleep together. Never. Ever. Nevereverneverevernever.

Tim and Jenny’s house — Jenny arrives home, tiptoeing, and then cries. Well, it makes sense that she feels guilty, but hey! You just had sex with Marina — how can that not be a good thing? But she goes to bed with Tim, who says she smells different. She tells him it’s a new perfume; he says he liked the old one better. Ah, Tim. Poor guy.

Alice’s house — Alice and Dana are smoking pot and talking about the women they’ve slept with — which for Dana is only two. Aww, that’s so cute! Alice draws a little map of all the connections and discovers it takes a mere four steps to link herself to Dana. This is like “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” except I guess it should be called “Six Degrees of Kyra Sedgwick.” They decide to play this game with other names; we find out that Alice once slept with Bette, and that a lot of people lead to Shane.

Bette and Tina’s house — Um. Did I mention that they’re great kissers? They’re pretty good at other things, too. They’re pretty damn good, actually. Ahem.

Tim and Jenny’s house — Jenny wakes up saying, “Oh my God, oh my God.” That happened to me once, but it was because I’d just had a dream in which I forgot to hide the body.

Bette and Tina’s house — Shane walks by on her way home. She can tell that Bette and Tina “just got laid,” and says that it gives her hope, because it’s nice to know that people who have been together for so long can still make each other so happy. Geez, why is that so hard to believe? Anyway, I guess Shane does have the rock star thing going on, in a heroin chic, lettuce-leaf-for-lunch sort of way. Meanwhile, Bette and Tina are awfully cute, sitting on their front step and grinning.

Tim and Jenny’s house — Tim serves Jenny breakfast. The first course is a ring. Jenny’s face says, “Oh, s—.”

The end of the beginning!

Next week on The L Word: Alice continues to work on the map of lesbo-land; Shane has a stalker; Dana catches someone’s eye; Alice’s ex wants her back; Bette and Tina are still on the baby track; Jenny is stuck between a rock and Marina’s place.

More L Word recaps available here.

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