The L Word Recaps: Episode 1 “Pilot”


Another potential sperm donor’s house — Bette and Tina seem to have found the perfect artistic donor with a bad French accent — who is that guy? He looks like a younger, grungier Christopher Plummer, sorta. Anyway, he thought there would be actual fucking involved, not just jerking off: “Hey, ze penis, ze pussy, ze baby.” Why are all of these artists such morons?

The Planet — Everyone’s laughing about the French guy’s description of reproduction — everyone, that is, except for Tina. She sort of picks a fight with Bette, and everyone feels uncomfortable. Well, maybe she’s pouting a little, but c’mon: It wasn’t even very funny!

Tim and Jenny’s house — Jenny’s “all dolled up”; apparently she’s changed her mind about going to Radar. Hmm, I didn’t see that coming at all. Tim and the other swim coach (whose name is Randy) are working on some stuff; they wish her a fun evening. After she leaves, Randy asks Tim how he can “let” her go to a party alone. Maybe Randy and the pseudo-French pseudo-artistic guy should get together and talk about the good old caveman days.

The Planet — Jenny didn’t realize Radar was going to be a women’s party. Duh, Jenny. Dana’s eyeing someone who looks familiar … you know that joke about how small the lesbian community is? Maybe it also extends to the community of Actors Who Appear in Lesbian Films.

Jenny finds the others. Tina says, “I didn’t know you were coming out tonight.” Ha ha. Marina explains that she thought Jenny would like Radar; nobody knows what to say to that. Marina also tells Jenny that Kit does a poetry night, and we get 2 more seconds of Pam Grier. Jenny asks where Bette is, and Alice and Tina simultaneously say (a) “They’re still fighting” and (b) “She’s still at work.” Tina makes a funny face at Alice.

The familiar-looking woman — the one Dana was eyeing earlier — stops by the table; Dana gets all flustered and says hello. The woman pretends to say hello back, but then leans down and kisses Shane.

Dana: What does Shane have that I don’t have?
Tina: It has to do with her attitude.
Dana: I’ve got attitude.
Marina: It’s because she’s so withholding.
Tina: No, it’s because she’s so confident.
Dana: No, it’s because she’s so stupid, and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure. [Ha ha!]
Alice: Dana, she’s your friend.
Tina: It’s confidence, OK? I’m telling you. And it’s because of her nipples.
Dana: What do you mean, it’s because of her nipples?
Tina: She has the best nipples in town, and she knows it.
Alice: Oh my God, you’re so right: she has nipple confidence.

I guess that’s supposed to go with “bush confidence.” Whatever.

By now Jenny’s uncomfortable; she decides to just “wander around.” Yeah, that’s like just “wandering around” in a mine field. A mine field where all the mines are lesbians with the urge to merge. Somebody hits on Jenny right away, of course; she says “No, thank you,” and leaves. Not a bad move, Jenny: someone might have started discussing “armpit confidence” next, for all I know.

The grocery store — Jenny’s learning the ropes. The other cashier asks her whether she likes the neighborhood and whether it bothers her that there are lots of homos around. Right on cue, Marina shows up, with her hair kind of mussed in a very sexy way.

Marina: C’mon, I wanna see you check me out.
Jenny: OK. I’m … sorry … about last night. I should have … I shouldn’t have left like that. I feel really silly. I feel really, really silly, and I think I kind of freaked out. And not because it was a gay bar, OK? But because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing there, you know?”

Hey, what was in Marina’s shopping basket? That could have been very revealing, and we didn’t get to see any of it.

Marina: Do you want to come to my reading group? It’s, uh, one week from Monday.
Jenny: I don’t know. I have to check with Tim. Um … Marina, is your reading group a gay group?
Marina: No, there are straight people. [She picks up the grocery bag and starts to leave.] You look cute with the little apron on.

Hee. Turn around Marina — Jenny is checking you out as you go! I’m not. I’m still stuck on the fact that we didn’t get to see Marina’s groceries.

Tim and Jenny’s house — Jenny and Tim are having dinner with two other straight couples and talking about joining a poker game. Jenny says she can’t play poker because she has to go to the not-gay reading group. Tim is not happy, but because he’s nice and trusting, he lets it go. Oh, Tim.

Bette and Tina’s house — Bette is home when Tina didn’t expect her to be; she came home from work so they could spend some time together. But Tina is on her way to the gym. She gives Bette a half-hearted smooch on the cheek and leaves. Brrrr.

After the book group — Jenny had a great time; Marina did too, and says “A great mind is such a turn-on.” Marina, do you really have to make everything about sex? Oh, I guess you do: you’re that sexy. She suggests that Jenny read one of her stories next time. Jenny freaks at the idea, and Marina says, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do.” Mmm hmm.

The gym — Tina is naked in front of the mirror. The spinning instructor shows up and starts hitting on her. Dana was wrong — those are not “spectacular tits”; they are scary silicone nightmares. Tina runs off, wondering why she left Bette at home alone.

Tim and Jenny’s house — Marina has given Jenny a ride home; she tells her to have sweet dreams. Jenny gets out of the car. Why?

Bette and Tina’s house — Tina tucks Bette in (Bette has fallen asleep with her glasses on). Awww. I can’t help rooting for them.

The next morning, they talk about going back to see the shrink to the stars. Tina has already made an appointment, which sorta bugs Bette.

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