The L Word Recaps: Episode 1 “Pilot”

The street — Kit (Pam Grier) talks her way out of getting arrested by promising the cop some Neville Brothers tickets. This scene is about a second longer than the last one she was in. Come on, we need more Pam Grier!

The sperm donor party — Shane is making out with someone. Get used to this: I have a feeling it’s gonna happen a lot. Tim and Jenny and Dana and her gay boy date are in the kitchen making drinks. Dana’s very nervous about seeming too gay. After the awkward drink-making, she stomps over to Tina and Bette and asks why they had to invite “those geeky straight people.” Ha ha!

Bette and Tina are trying to talk a guy into being a donor, but he doesn’t want the kid to show up later asking him to be a dad. Bette and Tina seem sort of surprised. Why?

Alice is chatting up Jenny. She’s impressed that Jenny has won a fiction prize. Alice, I once won a trip to Iceland; c’mere and chat me up instead. Marina shows up and joins the conversation. Alice introduces her: “This is Marina. She owns The Planet.” Yes, I do believe she does!

Sparks fly between Jenny and Marina. They find out they both know who Nietzsche is (Alice doesn’t seem to) and they both love Anne Carson (go read the article on Slate.com — thanks for the alert, Jen!). Alice says they should take the Cosmo romantic compatibility quiz. Marina says she could reduce it to one question: “What is your most influential, important, life-altering book of all time?” Oooh, pick me, pick me! I would have to say Housewives at Play.

Jenny doesn’t want to answer the question; she asks it back to Marina. Marina says, “I asked you first.” What are they, five years old? Alice suggests that they each whisper their answer to her and she’ll tell them whether they’re compatible — and she mutters that she thinks she already knows. I guess I know too, because there are all those lingering gazes and slow sultry smiles and all of that, but the truth is I’m too busy staring at Marina to make much sense of anything else. Anyway, each whispers her answer to Alice, but Alice just leaves them “to get married,” so we don’t get to know what they said. No fair. I’m sure it was something sufficiently literary. Alice probably would have said More Housewives at Play.

Bette and Tina are out by the pool, getting rejected by another potential sperm donor. As Karen on Will & Grace would say, “It’s funny ’cause it’s sad.”

The cop has given Kit a ride to the party. She stumbles into the house and walks right out of the scene, because for some reason she’s not allowed to actually be on this show.

Jenny is in line for the “washroom,” as she puts it. What are the geographical boundaries of that term? I never know whether to say “washroom,” “bathroom,” or “restroom,” so I just say “loo.”

Whichever term you use, it’s not quite right for what happens: Jenny goes into the washroom, and after a split second, Marina follows her. She pushes Jenny against the wall and kisses her; Jenny resists at first, but not for long. This is some nice kissing, and Marina’s hands are all over Jenny, but something’s a little bit off. Maybe it’s supposed to be. Eventually Jenny tears herself away — how could she possibly?! — and leaves the washroom/bathroom/restroom. She finds Tim, who is in the middle of a conversation about his college swim team days, and asks him to take her home. Honey, you live right next door: can’t you find it yourself?

We see Kit from afar, playing DJ, for about three seconds. We find out she’s Bette’s sister and not entirely welcome.

Tim and Jenny’s house — Tim wants to talk to Jenny about the fact that she so rudely interrupted him, and about how weird she’s being in general (it’s just the Marina effect, Tim — we’ll all feel it sooner or later because Marina owns the planet). Jenny decides she’d rather give him a blow job than talk. Ick. I should have been keeping track, but I think that so far the hetero sex screen time outnumbers the lesbian sex screen time by a factor of two.

The sperm donor party — Kit is in the kitchen getting a beer. Bette gives the beer a disapproving look. She and the beer and Kit start to snarl at each other, but a guy shows up to profess his love for Kit and to see if she can help with the soundtrack of a film he’s producing. Okay, so here’s what we know about Kit: she has a suspended driver’s license, she’s Bette’s sister, she likes beer, and she is a musician. Oh, and she’s played by the best actress on the show but can’t get more than 5 minutes with the damn camera.

Tim and Jenny’s house — More sex. It’s not even pretty sex: Tim looks like he’s fixing a lawnmower and Jenny looks like she’s wondering where she’s left her keys.

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