“The L Word” Recaps 4.9 “Lacy Lilting Lyrics”

Still in the boudoir — Phyllis is trying to get Leonard to leave Alice’s apartment. He has just one more question. He grabs Phyllis and presents her to the Helena-Papi-Alice-Tasha panel:

Leonard: Is she not the most beautiful woman you have ever seen? And the most brilliant? So how the hell am I supposed to get over her?
Phyllis: I’m not really that great. Tell him, Alice.
Alice: Oh, Phyllis. You are great. You’re amazing. You’re beautiful. She’s beautiful, Leonard.
Phyllis: But I’m a lesbian.
Alice: Yeah. Yeah, you’re one of those, too.

Helena says Leonard is fantastic too. Alice says, "He’s great," and Phyllis assures Leonard that if she was ever going to be with a man again, she’d be with him. Everyone looks moved. I wonder if Alice is ever going to answer the door again.

Phyllis and Leonard finally leave. Alice asks, "Who needs a drink?" — and three hands pop up.

A fond farewell — Shane has an early birthday present for Shay: It’s an iPod. Gross Gabe interrupts and helps Shay hook up the headphones.

Shane tells them they should go. Gabe finally takes the hint and lets her have her moment with Shay.

Shane: I want you to be good to yourself. And you know I’m always here if you need me. So don’t forget that. I probably should have given you a better haircut.

I just had a premonition of Shane in her old age, tugging at her own wig and repeating, "I probably should have given you a better haircut."

But really — this is horribly sad. After Gabe and Shay drive away, Shane breaks down. That is some very heartfelt sobbing, Kate Moennig. Well done.

Not as heartfelt — Max and Grace are chatting about Max’s job situation. Max knows his boss is just going to make his life miserable until he gives up and quits. Grace thinks that’s a good idea anyway, but Max says he can’t afford to quit. Will somebody please turn on the Joyce Wischnia bat signal? We miss you, Joyce!

The phone rings. It’s someone asking for Moira. Grace is confused, so Max says, "That’s me." This is sorta like the moment someone came to the door asking for "Jeremy" in Better Than Chocolate, only somehow infinitely less interesting. Where’s Wendy Crewson when you need her?

The caller is Max’s sister, Maggie. She has bad news: Max’s mom has died. And it gets worse. Maggie doesn’t want Max to come to the funeral because it would be too uncomfortable for their dad.

Max: You know what, Maggie? It’s not up to you, OK? F— off.

Sigh. It actually looks much more dramatic than it was; it was just very forced, as is the rest of the scene. I’m sorry, Max. I’ve really tried to get on board, but what can I do if you insist on this kind of flat, strained, wholly soporific line delivery?

Grace tells Max he has to go to the funeral and offers to go with him.

Max: Why would you do that? I mean, you barely even know me.
Grace: It’s what I’d want someone to do for me.

I like you, Grace. Try to hook up with a different character so I can stay awake during your scenes.

A real slumber party — Alice, Tasha, Helena and Papi are still in bed, but now they’re drinking. Alice, ever the Pollyanna, thinks they helped Leonard. Tasha and Helena know better.

Alice says Papi’s break is over:

Alice: Who’s the girl?
Papi: First of all, there’s no girl. She’s a woman. And second, she’s special. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to respect her privacy.

Groan. Pass the bottle.

There’s a buzzing noise: Somebody’s cell phone is vibrating. Alice says, "Wait, I feel it," as Tasha feels for it under the covers. Um, you know what I mean.

It’s Helena’s phone. Catherine is calling. At first, everyone teases Helena just for being generally smitten, but they soon have a different reason to mock her: Catherine wants Helena to pick up her dry cleaning.

Alice: What? You’re picking up her dry cleaning?
Papi: Sprung!

I hope that’s all it is. I hope Helena doesn’t eventually end up needing to be sprung in a different way. As in "from jail."

Helena insists she’s just doing Catherine a favor. Papi mimics her in an English accent that’s much better than any other pseudo-accent she has affected this season. But I’ll give you a little credit, Papi. You seem to be having fun hanging out with these three, and you’re even being an OK friend to them. Just don’t say, "It ain’t even like that" again, OK?

Another cell phone buzzes. I giggle. It’s Alice’s this time; Shane is calling.

Alice: Oh, my God. We’ve been having a party in bed all day.
Papi: Shane, come over!

But Shane is in no mood to party. She tells Alice that Shay left and asks her to come meet her. She’s on the corner of Sunset and Harper, under another Shane-in-underpants billboard.

Shane: [staring up at the billboard] Fahhkk.

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