“The L Word” Recaps 4.9 “Lacy Lilting Lyrics”


Packing Shay’s things — Paige tries to convince Shane to fight for Shay, but Shane is resigned. She just wants to keep Shay out of foster care. Paige continues to try to talk her through it, which just makes Shane yell.

Shane: Will you … will you stop? Please!

Paige doesn’t seem to like being yelled at. She says she and Jared are going to leave, and Shane should call if she wants to talk. Yep. This is definitely the house of Paine.

Alice’s encounter group — Leonard is now at the head of the bed, surrounded by Alice, Helena, Tasha and Papi. The camera circles them as they talk in circles.

Leonard offers possible reasons for Phyllis’ awakening sexuality: trendiness? Menopause? Each idea is gently but firmly shot down. Leonard also wants to know what "ladies" can do to a woman that a man can’t do, which of course prompts passionate reactions.

Alice: Um, Leonard, it’s not about sex. You know. I mean, it’s about so much more than that. There’s … things …
Helena: It’s about knowing what a woman is thinking, what a woman is feeling, when you touch her.
Papi: I don’t know about all that. Sometimes it’s great when people are completely different.
Alice: But it’s not about mechanics. This is something Phyllis is going through for the first time in her whole life. It’s very big.

The panel starts to discuss larger issues, like whether Phyllis’ realization was really about Alice or would have happened anyway, as well as the matter of Alice getting involved with a married woman. Leonard starts to fall apart again, insisting that Alice has cast some sort of spell on Phyllis. Tasha finally lays it all out for Leonard.

Tasha: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard. Listen. You’ve gotta hold on to yourself, OK? Remember what’s important. All right? Your value in life is not Phyllis. You’re Leonard, and you still have a lot of great stuff ahead of you. You and Phyllis had an amazing run. You even have two beautiful children. But life is all about change, and you’ve gotta confront it head on. Do the hardest thing anyone could ever do. Leonard, you’ve gotta let her go.

Tasha, will you please be my life coach? Everyone else is impressed with her too.

Cue the doorbell.

Alice: Oh, my God.

It’s Phyllis, of course. She and Alice have a brief reunion in the hallway. Alice apologizes for how she left things between them.

Alice: I think it was just, um … too much. You know?
Phyllis: Yeah. I’m sorry too. I absolutely suffocated you. I was like a teenager in love, overwhelmed by my emotions. It was too much. I should never have put all that on you.
Alice: Well, I’d like to be friends.

Oh, of course. "Let’s be friends." In other words, let’s remember we’re watching a show about lesbians!

Alice and Phyllis hug. Phyllis hangs on a little too long, and then the inevitable happens: Alice has locked herself out of her apartment. It’s cute, but who didn’t see it coming?

Having it out — Bette finds Jodi in her studio. She accuses Jodi of walking out in the middle of the conversation, but Jodi reminds her of what really happened.

Jodi: You were being snippy with me for going out with Amy — after you told me to go out with her.

Bette climbs up on the big sculpture thingie — which is beginning to look more and more like some sort of bondage playground — and asks Jodi how she’d feel if Bette brought someone she was dating to school and "paraded her around." Jodi starts to answer, but Bette cuts her off again. She finally gets to what’s really bothering her:

Bette: Did you f— her?
Jodi: Yes, I f—ed her. [as Bette turns her back to her] But it didn’t work. Every time I looked at her, my head filled with pictures of you. Her skin didn’t feel as soft as yours. I didn’t like the way she touched me. And her kiss … didn’t make my head spin the way yours does. You’ve ruined me for anybody else. I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore. She was pretty upset. Bette. Please.
Bette: [turning around] You are a f—ing heartbreaker.

Well, that’s certainly how I’m feeling about all this. Bette’s face makes me want to sob. As does her blouse, actually.

Another meeting — A bunch of techie types are sitting quietly at a conference table. We’re in Max’s workplace, and Max’s boss isn’t happy. He says, "Can someone go see where Max is?" While they continue to wait, a text message passes between two of the employees: "Why don’t we just start without him … her … it?"

When Max finally arrives, the boss lectures him about time management and not making excuses and taking responsibility for his actions. I should feel incensed, and I sort of do, but I also feel a little sleepy. Max’s boss has one of those droning boss voices. Wah wah wah, Charlie Brown.

Yet another meeting — Tina and Jenny are meeting with Garry Marshall. Yes, really! He cracks me up. But this isn’t so funny:

Tina: That’s not why she went back to men. It was the humiliation of finding out that her lover was cheating on her. That was the reason.
Jenny: No. Nina went back to men because she’s one of those women that find safety and security by belonging to the dominant culture. She only feels safe if there’s a man by her side.

Sheesh. Maybe "Nina" herself might have some insight into this matter, hmm? Oh, I forgot — this is all fiction. Just like the "Karina" stuff at the beginning. There are so many intersecting realities here, I think I’m about to turn into Vamp Willow.

The thinly veiled vitriol is interrupted by some autograph seekers. Garry is happy to scrawl his name, but Jenny, ever the diva, shoos the starlets away. Garry begins to sketch out Lez Girls in his hilarious fashion:

Garry: I love these kinds of stories. Because I love the ladies’ stories. And I understand that Jerry is a woman, right?
Tina: Jenny.
Jenny: Jessie.
Tina: Oh, Jessie.

Garry seems to understand the "no more men" story that Jenny/Jessie claims to be aiming for. But then it becomes clear that Garry is seeing this as a romantic comedy, much to Jenny and Tina’s confusion. Garry proposes a twist: He wants to turn Jessie into some sort of princess.

Jenny: I just have, like, a little brainstormy thing. I think that … OK, what if Jessie is a sex worker. OK? And Karina is, like, a wealthy businesswoman. And then Karina hires Jessie for the night.

As Jenny babbles, Garry realizes she’s mocking Pretty Woman (which Garry directed). Tina tries to excuse Jenny, and Garry says he understands that she wants to protect her material. Be careful, Garry: Give her an inch, and she’ll take your last ounce of breath.

So, that’s two directors dismissed. Or dissed.

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