Post premiere â€” Alice, Helena and Shane have just seen the movie: "Ugh, that movie bit ass," says Alice. Shane looks around at the look-alikes and says, "I need a new haircut, and I've just stopped wearing ties." Don't toy with me like that, Shane.
Helena's just thinking about poker. Speaking of which, Papi and Tasha are there. Tasha looks pretty great in her vest and sleveless shirt â€” and Alice definitely agrees with me â€” but Papi is wearing a weird puffy shirt that defies description. And gravity.
The bald PR guy shows up again to introduce Shane to Saskia, the star of the movie. Shane starts to charm the statuesque blonde, but then Shane's cell phone rings. Thank God: We were all missing the split screens!
It's Paige. Shay has had a bad dream and just needs to hear Shane's voice. Then he crawls back into bed so his two mommies can talk. Shane says she can come over, but Paige tells her not to worry and to just have a good time.
Getting to know you â€” Bette and Jodi are having dinner and trading tales of past loves. They're smiling and gazing and it all seems to be going well. But when Bette reveals that she has a daughter, Jodi comes clean:
Jodi: I don't like kids.
Jodi: I don't like kids.
Bette: Wow. [signing] Wow.
Jodi: I'm sorry. I don't. They need too much attention. They get in the way of work, of sex. They're a hassle.
The waiter stops by. Bette asks for the check and smiles weakly. She and Jodi just sort of stare at each other.
Well, it's not the smartest thing to say to someone who's just told you she has a toddler, but I'm with you, Jodi. No kidding. (OK, I'm not really that gung ho about it.)
Hanging out â€” Alice and Tasha are chatting. Alice asks Tasha about her history with Papi. Tasha says they hooked up once, but there was no chemistry: Papi's just not her type.
Alice: I didn't know you had a type.
Tasha: I just like girls who are girls.
Alice points out that her dress is pink and sort of feminine. Tasha enjoys the flirting.
Elsewhere, Helena meets the infamous Catherine Rothberg, who wants to know whether Shane likes girls or boys. After revealing that Shane is on the girls' team â€” and that she's on Shane's team too â€” Helena finds herself invited to join Catherine's high-stakes poker game.
Bette's house â€” Angus is leaving, but first he asks Bette how her date was. She says it sucked. And then Angus says he broke it off with Hazel. Bette just says, "Good."
Let's keep the party polite â€” As the strains of "Luck Be a Lady Tonight" from Guys and Dolls start to swell, we see several pensive faces: Bette, Jodi, Shane and Jenny, all wondering what to do next.
The poker game â€” I don't know a lot about poker, so it's sort of difficult for me to tell what's going on, especially because Papi's giant sleeves are eclipsing the light fixtures. Papi tells Helena the last rule of poker: "The house always wins."
Four doors â€” Shane is at Paige's door. She pretends to just be checking on Shane, but when Paige invites her in for her grandmother's meatloaf, Shane happily says yes.
In a doorway not far from the poker table, Papi and Saskia (the movie star) make out â€” as well as they can around Papi's gargantuan sleeves. Hey, maybe she's got accessories stashed in those puffs.
Tasha walks Alice to her door, saying she wants to take things slow. Alice says she can do slow. But someone else can't: Phyllis, who is on the steps, waiting for Alice. "I told Leonard about us. I told him I wanted a divorce." Tasha says, "I don't do drama" and turns tail as Alice looks daggers at Phyllis.
Jodi is at Bette's door. She says she's sorry and asks whether they can try again. Bette invites her in.
The last rule â€” Helena, confident of her newfound poker skills, pushes all in and says, "Read them and weep." And two seconds later, she loses $50,000 dollars to Catherine, aka the House.
On the way out, Helena tries to explain her financial situation to Catherine. But Catherine already knows the score: She had lunch with Peggy Peabody (Hi, Peggy, wherever you are!) and heard all about Helena's monetary downfall. She tells Helena there are other ways to pay her debt, if you know what she means, and gives Helena the key to her suite.
And on that rather flat note, we leave the land of poker, phones and premieres. Thanks for the ride, Angela Robinson.
NEXT WEEK ON THE L WORD:Bette and Jodi wear tank tops; Phyllis sobs; a bidding war for Jenny begins.